Oct 15, 2013
A Mind is a Terrible Thing
FIRST UP TODAY is my acquaintance Miriam. My best friend Saunders and me were hanging around Chez Schnide t'other day when she walked in and asked me what I was up to. "I'm working on my blog," sez moi. "Ooohh!" she gushed. "A blog! How do I get my name in it?" Let's pause here for a reality check. This is being read by more than two dozen people. Pity th' fool who mess with my powers! We could move into desperation on her part here, but instead I'll go to flattery. Miriam is the first person who has ASKED to have her name inserted. I'll take whatever I can get, and with gratitude. "I dunno, I replied --- tell me a joke." Miriam ejects "How can you face your problem if your problem is your face?" Saunders and me let out giant belly laughs, and I mean not the patronizing kind. After miss M left, we tried to figure out why. Neither of us understood the joke. We agreed it had been a surprise. Perhaps it was like the joke about the roof --- over our heads. Maybe one needs an IQ of something like 250…million. If any of you get it, please let me know. At any rate, thanks for the item, Miriam . . . Over to Florida, where the Schmitt family --- Rick, his lovely wife Lisa, and their beautiful children Hillary and Eric, have discovered gold after a 13-year search. They found it on an old Spanish shipwreck. It's worth $350,000. So far so good, eh? Not so fast. Most of the findings will go to the state and the company that owns the diving site. But that's all fine with Lisa, who said "The greatest treasure is time with the family." Huh? Underwater, swimming around in a shipwreck? How about hanging together off the top of a skyscraper? At least you could talk to each other. Whatever happened to a picnic at the beach?
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MOSES DROPPED DOWN from the mountaintop with a spacial tablet for Teahadist Ted Cruz and his nut job followers. It said "Thou Shalt Know Without Enactment of a Law That Said Law Shalt Fail, And Thou Shalt Spare No Effort To Make Certain Such Law is Stillborn. Oops --- Didn't Mean That. Got My Priorities Mixed Up. He Wants the Unborn to Live. Once They Shalt Live, THAT'S When He Shalt Get Involved In Everything. Don't Forget That Part." That prompted The Devil to pop up from his hideaway in Upchuckistan with his response, available on Facebook and Twitter. "Forget about the crap (the devil can talk like this) the Old Man says. That law means I may not be getting ceased-to-be humans at the rate I'm used to. Plus donations and favors from the Insurance, Legal and Pharmecutical companies might dry up. Go ahead and vote down the law; just do it for the proper reasons." As I write this, our govt. problems have not been solved. Let no one forget exactly who started this. The whole idea was to shut down the government unless congress would defund the Affordable Care Act, which many of our less educated congresspeople continue to refer to as a bill. We should provide all these folks with a simple book titled "How A Bill Becomes A Law", kind of like we got in grade school. Lots of color pictures so they'll pay attention, but here's the Schnide Notes: The House of Representatives approves the money, the Senate agrees, the President signs off and voila --- it's a law! I've never in my life witnessed such a collection of sore losers. I think they came to Congress in 2011 to shut the govt. down. They almost succeeded once. Now they have and guess what --- they've upped the ante and suddenly, people don't like them! I will be disappointed in the President if he negotiates anything with these folks until they drop all objections to Obamacare. Have you noticed the Republicans are suddenly not talking about the Affordable Care Act? Don't be fooled . . . I fear I'm over-ranting, so I'll end the paragraph with a nice, pleasant joke that will dovetail with the theme of said rant, since Congress is so full of lawyers. A pleasure boat is out on the bay. They encounter a big wave, and two guests are thrown overboard; one a lawyer. A shark immediately shows up, grabs the lawyer and carries him to safety. The astonished folks on the boat say "That's amazing! How did you do such a thing --- and why the lawyer?" "Professional courtesy," sez the shark.
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THIS WEEKS LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS award goes to William Freis of Nebraska. He's suing Walmart for killing his wife. The crime? These underworked and overpaid employees overloaded a single plastic bag with two 42-oz. cans of La Choy and a 2-pound bag of rice. His wife, Lynette, dropped said package on her foot. Her toe got infected and she died. What the --- ? As much as I dislike Walmart, I think we're talking an easy money scam here. In Nebraska, there are these people called doctors. Before the toe becomes infected, the doctor can apply some disinfectant and a band-aid. Should that not work, antibiotics would be in order. Ain't no reason on God's Green Earth anybody oughta die from this. So here's Judge Willie's settlement: A lifetime supply of plastic bags to Mr. Freis and a $2-an-hour raise to Walmart employees on GPs.
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FROM AMBROSE BIERCE: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
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When you're weary, feeling small;
when tears are in your eyes I will dry willschneider7648@gmail.com
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