Schnide Remarks

12/09/13

Here He Goes Again

WHITHER THE REPUBLICANS?  They've now voted over 40 times to defund the Affordable Care Act.  I hate to sound like a broken DVD (no I don't), but I doubt this is much of an option now.  After all, when we had the hanging chad and butterfly ballot problem in 2000 (and Pat Buchanan said on national TV:  "Those votes in Palm Beach County weren't meant for me" --- now THERE was a national scandal), we didn't revert to monarchy.  The best they can hope for at this point is that the law implodes --- which, given the way things have been going for the President, just might happen.  I still think that once things get rolling, it will be popular.  Maybe they can start by trying to nullify the nuclear agreement with Iran --- I like it, so it must be a bad idea.  There are a few Republicans who are bringing up impeachment, but that won't work.  How can we impeach a President who wasn't born here?  But even some Dems, like Senator Whinestein, are on board as being squirrely about the Iran business.  Throw in the stuff that's already underway with Syria (too busy shutting down the govt. to jump on that one in time) and maybe they've got something.  We can of course count on Senator McCain, who would bomb Nebraska if he had an excuse.  I used to respect him when he was more of a maverick;  now he seems to be angling for History's Sorest Loser.  It's his own damn fault.  He ran a horribly negative campaign and picked a running mate that didn't made it thru her term as governor on her way to being a media celebrity (have to give Ms. Palin her props on that --- she knows how to stay in the public eye) . . . Polls indicate Obamacare is only popular with one in four Americans --- and that's just in the Obama family (one in five if the First Dog gets a vote).

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HAS IT BEEN cold lately or what?  It's been so cold that the Obamacare website literally froze up . . . It's been so cold that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had to smoke crack just to keep warm . . . But great snow!  I'll be up there in the fresh pow cutting the rails and shredding the liner.  Don't be telling ME I ain't one hep cat . . . Did you see 60 Minutes Sunday nite!?  Neither did I! . . . READER ALERT!   This column brought to you by Obamacare --- Turn your head and cough up savings! . . . San Diego Judge Patricia Cookson officiated a marriage between Danne Desbrow and his fiancé --- right after she sentenced the groom to 53 years in prison for murder . . . A group called the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled a new video and DNA analysis that it insists proves Bigfoot is real.  "This is a serious study," said Melba Ketchum, genetic scientist.  You didn't really need to tell us that, Melba . . . Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep on a plane and didn't disembark?  Apparently the crew didn't notice he was there, left, and turned off the power and locked up the plane.  Fellow had to call 911 to get out.  Two questions and one observation:  2) How could the landing not have awakened him?  b) was he sleeping under the seat? and III) Do you smell a huge lawsuit? . . . Did You Know Dept.:  According to British newspaper The Guardian, the number of Americans killed in all wars since 1775 is 1.17 million.  Number of Americans killed by firearms (including suicides) since 1968:  1.38 million.  Just reporting . . . Speaking of the NSA (we were?) Ess Eff Chronicle columnists Matier & Ross have helpfully pointed out that German Chancellor Angela Markel's husband works at UC Berkeley.  Like M&R I am always happy to point out wiretap long-distance savings tips, even tho the NSA seems immune to Republican or Democrat efforts to do so.

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NEWS I'M PROUD TO REPORT:  Ess Eff's current unemployment is 5.6%, one of the lowest in the country.  Our minimum wage is $10.55, one of the highest in the country.  So Chamber of Commerce and NRA (National Restaurant Assn., not that other NRA), in response to your comments about businesses being driven away by the M.W., especially the small businesses you claim to care so much about (The City is about 80% small business), why don't you go piss up a rope? . . . Gratuitous joke for old-timers:  Today is Ed Sullivan's birthday!  Don't forget to wear a really big shoe . . . Gratuitous joke for yuppies:  Remember the Budweiser commercials featuring the promiscuous dog who was always surrounded by gorgeous women?  Ladies, I mean no offense (I know better than that) but wouldn't you have to be pretty desperate to date outside your species? . . . And now, a word from your local undertaker:  Are you bored with life?  High cholesterol?  Diabetic?  Overeater?  Drink too much?  Avoid exercise?  Keep it up . . . These Kids Today, with all their piercings, tattoos and buzz-cut hairstyles:  One phrase they use I really like:  "No worries."  Beats the hell out of the ones my generation came up with, like "farm out," "outtastate", and "right arm" . . . Why is America the only country with overweight poor people?  I'm glad we don't have the flies buzzing around the head thing going on here, but wouldn't your food stamps go farther if you were to go on a diet?  (Note: not a good joke for Tease Party types to tell.)

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NUGGET O' WISDOM, courtesy Meryl Streep:  "You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing."

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Hey Jude, don't make it bad;

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, Hey Jude, begin,

You're waiting for willschneider7648@gmail.com