12/20/13
Help Me Combobulate
BREAKING NEWS: Russia and Canada are both claiming territorial rights over the North Pole (currently occupied by ice). Something about mineral and oil deposits, but that isn't the point. Now it looks like we're in for a REAL Cold War . . . And MORE breaking news: We have a budget for the first time since 2009! There's something for everybody here --- if you live on Krypton. If you live in America, however, all this budget does is kick every can in the country down the road. This crowd in D.C. is the biggest collection of gutless wonders I've ever witnessed. I'd say hats off for finally getting it done, but my gut tells me heads off would be more appropriate . . . Always turn to S.R. for the latest --- when news breaks, This Column Repairs It! . . . Item-Type-Item: An Oakland resident named Alicia Dattner is performing a one-woman show called "The Oy of Sex." Don't know anything about it; I just like the title. Want to check it out? It's at the Marsh Theater on Valencia . . . Just Asking: Why are earthlings the only ones allowed to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant? . . . Same with the World Series. Howcum only two countries? . . . 86% of Americans wear seat belts. About half of law enforcement officers don't, according to the California Commission on Peace Officer Standards. And traffic fatalities are the leading cause of death among these folks. Don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a solution in search of a problem . . . Most nations got together to sign a treaty calling for world reduction in distribution of firearms. The U.S. was prepared to sign, but the NRA objected, saying it would interfere with our second amendment right to arm bears.
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SARAH PALIN has asserted that Pope Francis is (gasp!) a liberal. Rush Limbaugh has called him a Marxist. Some folks confuse these media celebrities with actual journalists. These people are known as idiots. But enough about reality. The Pope says that if he met a gay person, he'd be happy to worship with them. "Who am I to judge?" he asked. You're the ****ing Pope, for Chrissakes! What the hell else do you guys do? Uh --- sorry about the inappropriate wording. He also has said the church should not be quite so worked up about worldly issues, like all the other Popes lately have seemed to be. He often leaves the Vatican and goes to poor parts of town to minister to the less fortunate. He's even washed the feet of Muslims! When he was a Cardinal, he eschewed the fancy out-of-town estate, living in an apartment downtown, preparing his own food, and, if I'm not mistaken, taking public transportation to his modest office. If Sarah and Rush are upset with this Pope, they ought to get a load of what Jesus has been saying. I think he's potentially the best since John XXIII . . . How about the phony who did the signing for the deaf at Nelson Mandela's funeral (speaking of Saints)? Apparently it was total gibberish. I want to know what test he had to pass to get the gig. Finally, a job I could do! . . . Did you notice that Benji Netenyahoo wasn't at Mandela's ceremonies? He's becoming isolated from the rest of the world, partly because of his increasingly hard line stances and exacerbated by some financial scandals. He's fond of expensive cigars and cognac, which I don't think he buys with pocket change. He has charged the govt. for $1700 in scented candles and $22,000 for a water bill at his vacation home. As for his foreign views, let's accept that Iran would prefer Israel cease to exist. Two points: R) Iran would not be making this offer so they could vaporize Israel, and 4) Israel is perfectly capable of vaporizing the entire Middle East. Time to step down, Benjamin, and let adults get this process going. It takes both sides to negotiate. All of this couldn't happen to a more deserving fellow.
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FORMER VEEP DICK CHENEY was roasted at a gathering of Bush administration allies, with waterboarding jokes dominating the evening. It was "a very sentimental night", said one attendee. No word on how Mr. Cheney felt about it . . . The Golden Gate National Recreation Area wants to delay a decision on the various proposals near the Crissy Field marsh area. This is good thinking, since all of the designs SUCK. The site is currently occupied by a Sports Basement store, which would be fine if it were actually underground . . . Representative Michele Bachman resurfaced on a talk radio show to say, among other witticisms, "we are in God's end times", and adding "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand." For her sake I hope so. That attitude would have made her a real forward-looking President . . . An Oklahoma man was charged with burglary after police matched his DNA to used toilet paper at the scene of the crime. Police said Charles Williams used a home's bathroom while burglarizing it, leaving a mess behind and allowing the cops to identify Williams from his droppings. The whole affair prompted a neighbor to offer Williams the following advice: "Flush!" . . . Riddle Me This: Q. How do you make a pair of pants last? A. Make the coat first! Get it? Make the coat first! Har dee har har har (Relax, folks --- It's almost over).
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FROM FOUNDING FATHER and second President John Adams: "One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three is a congress."
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More than the greatest love the world has known,
This is the love I give to willschneider7648@gmail.com
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