04/11/14
Look Who's Here
I'VE BEEN AWAY. Well, no, I've been right here. Mr. Schneider is on vacation. Nope. Haven't even been to Oakland. Schnide has been ill. True enough, but not physically. I've got it. Will has been off. Actually, if you get close to me that has a bit of accuracy. Wotineck do I tell all my regular reader? One wrote. "I look forward to Fridays. Where the h-e-doulble hockey sticks have you been?" Bless you, what a great upper for moi. Anyway, I'm back. Lucky you. As the guy on The Ed Show (I think his name is Ed) likes to say, "Let's get to work." Right.
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ITEM ITEM HOOSGOTTANITEM? Have you heard an airliner crashed? Somewhere off the coast of Australia. First they found debris --- that was it. Um, nope, sorry. Then they found the location of the crash. They've now found about four potential locations. Sorry, not good enough. BUT WAIT! We're getting pings --- they must be coming from the black box! Nope, that didn't do it, but stay tuned. How can you help it? Here's the story: A plane went missing a month ago. Nobody knows how or why. THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY. But the news networks have pulled out all the stops. You can watch Fixed News; a lot of entertainment and a very loose relationship with fact. Fair and balanced? Pardon me, I feel convulsions coming on (though I do enjoy Chris Wallace and Mike Huckabee). Then there's Constant News Network. Here's our next one-hour special on the missing plane. WHOOP'S! There's been a mudslide in Washington! What to do what to do whadda****dowedo? Hey, we've got it! We'll have a one hour special about the plane, followed by a one hour special on the mudslide, followed by a one hour special on the plane, followed by --- well, you get it. The network to tune into if you need to catch up on your sleep (though I do enjoy Candy Crowley as well as Anderson Cooper). Then there's MSNBC, or, as it's known from 7pm Friday until 1am Monday, Boring Prison Crap. Here's a network with archives going back 65 years, and this is the best they can do? I will give them credit for being the first network to get back to their irregular programing. "The place for politics"? How about "The place for boringly repetitive liberal politics" (though I do enjoy Joe Scarborough and Chris Matthews)?
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NOW WE'VE DRONED OVER TO IRAN, where its semiofficial news agency Fars claims that NSA secret document leaker Edward Snowden has offered "incontrovertible proof" that the U.S. is being run by a "shadow government" of space aliens. No wonder the govt. is so pissed off at you, Eddie . . . Bad week for a Mexico City motorist who was pulled over by the cops for suspicious driving. When said police approached the car, the guys pet parrot blurted out "He's drunk! He's drunk!" Sure enough, a test showed the bird was right. The fellow is now looking into a pet turtle . . . Hey! Dick Cheney's found work! He'll be teaching a class at the University of Wyoming titled "Safety Tips While Hunting (tip #1: stay away from older white guys). How many of you even remember what I'm on about? Let's face it, I'm old . . . Off to Deadwood, S.D., where businessman Greg Vecchi has announced plans to open an indoor shooting range and saloon. He assures us he'll see to it that customers use his services in the right order: "Bullets first, beer second." Good luck with your endeavor, sir . . . Rep. Paul Ryan has presented us with yet another budget, much like the ones that weren't adopted in 2011, 2012 and 2013. Some folks just don't get it. This budget has about as much chance of becoming reality as a heat wave in the Himalayas . . . We've wrapped up the second week of the baseball season and we all know what that means --- the Mets have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs . . . Should we raise the minimum wage? Should the sun rise in the east? Families on minimum wage are living at poverty levels. If we brought them up to a living wage maybe they wouldn't have to depend on so much government assistance, which the taxpayers have to pony up for. Come on, Republicans, this is a no-brainer . . . Gratuitous joke for real old-timers: Roy Rogers is out on the range one day, sporting his brand new suede cowboy boots. A wildcat comes up, strips off the shoes and mangles them. Roy schleps back home and shows the shoes to Dale Evans, who is of course empathetic. A few hours later they are relaxing by the fire when Dale spots a wildcat out the window. She turns and says, "Pardon me, Roy --- is that the cat that chewed your new shoes (Ya! Ya! Track twenty-nine)?"
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THE PUTIN UPDATE: A little less than eighty years ago a foreign leader held a grand show off Olympics in his country. He left an ethnic minority alone for a couple of weeks. Then he sent troops across the border of a neighboring country, saying he was just reclaiming original land of his empire. He assured the world he had no further territorial demands, all the while amassing troops on the border of another country. We all know how that turned out, don't we? We've got to take this monster down. Boots on the ground won't work, that kind of war is outmoded for us, as the last 15 years have proven. I like the President's idea of putting sanctions on some of Putrid's big business buddies; that certainly can't hurt. My sources also tell me that one of the few world leaders this thug pays attention to is German Chancellor Merkell, who seems willing to get involved. I was very proud of myself for putting these observations together. Then I read that Hillary Clinton had already done it. Whatta --- whatta --- what a rhymes with witch.
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MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE with a quote from Hillary: "In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart," said the witch.*
*"I am not a witch." --- HRC*
*"Yes you are." --- Schnide
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You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you.
Please don't take my willschneider7648@gmail.com
Open for business noon-4pm PST @ (415)202-7697
Hey kids! Like that rock n' roll? Look up my blog from 2/14, press on icon at end. Hot socks!
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