Caution: You Are About To Enter A Really BIG Spin Zone
IS IT JUST ME, Or does Mitt Romney look like a guy that should be doing ads for erectile dysfunction? . . 70's movie "Oh God". "Take avocadoes", deadpaned Burns. "I made the pits too big." Not a good idea to argue with God. Also a great idea to watch this movie --- one of the greatest talents of the 20th century . . . Another GOP first! Mitt Romney is the only presidential candidate in history to be named after a glove . . . Lyndon Johnson said it: "You can't make chicken salad with chicken manure "(Okay, he used a more earthy word for manure, but you get the idea) . . . Out of the mouths of babes comes drool . . . I'm so glad I wasn't born a female. If I was , I'd just stay home and play with my breast all day . . . This week is the late Ed Sullivan's birthday. Don't forget to wear a really big shoe; and if you're old enough to get that joke, I hope you're taking good care of yourself . . . I do not consider myself a pessimist, but rather an optimist with high standards . . . Two friends meet. "What's that you're putting in your vest, Jack?" Sez Jack: "It's a stick of dynamite. Every time that Riley sees me he slaps me a breaks all my cigars. Next time he tries it, he's gonna blow his hand off" . . . Reports says one out of every 50 drivers on the road is drunk. So what can you do? Easy. Count the cars. Pull over after every 49th car. You must start with a drunk driver, however, or you'll be all fouled up.
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SPACE OCCUPIED: Do you remember Barry Goldwater's 1964 campaign slogan," In your heart, you know he's right"? This is how I feel about the Occupy Wall Street movement. It's not easy to explain why I identify with these folks in a logical way, but I have an almost visceral bond and empathetic feel for them. Having just said I like them for reasons inexplicable logically, I will attempt to explain these feelings in words, for two reasons: 1) Its needs to be talked about, and B) I'm a know it all smart aleck. I'm not sure regular folks are 99%, but 99% is a whole lot catchier than, say, 96%. The gap between the well off and everybody else has increased dramatically over the last few decades. I have friends whose kids have college degrees and the best they can do is get a job as a grocery clerk. That's perfectly all-american work, but they aren't achieving their dreams. Why? Because large businesses, which have been astonishly profitable, are sitting on their profits, parking them in overseas banks and outsourcing jobs to other countries without minimum wage and benefits. Who's responsible? Republicans? Democrats? Is there really a dime's worth of difference between what's being delivered by either of the parties? My dad used to tell me he hoped I'd be able to do better than his generation. Most of my friends were told the same thing. What's happened to that? OWS seems to be saying: It's OUR country --- let's take it back. Bless 'em all. It's exactly the right message. They aren't a bunch of chronic malcontents. They're not just occupying Wall Street. They're also occupying a portion of many of our hearts.
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SURLY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP: Word has it Sen. John McCain wants to start a third party called the "Fed Up" Party. I thought most of us were already fed up with Sen. McCain . . . Speaking of another Cain, Herman's rambling and ever-changing explanations are proof that Cleopatra is not the only Queen of DeNile. Bottom line: Is Cain Able? Personalities like him help keep guys like me off the streets, and trust me, that's what you want . . . I like Sarah Palin's line: What's the difference between a soccer mom and a pit bull? Soccer moms wear lipstick . . . My advice to OWS: Hungry? Eat a banker! . . . Scientific study sez gas pump handles are the most germ-infested surface that American touch in their everyday lives. Makes a good case for using the full-service pumps, if you can find one . . . How the 2012 campaign shaping up, if you listen to Keith Olberman: "The blood is in the water, and the sharks are bipartisan" . . . A young man in Colorado Springs met a woman online and invited her to his home for a little rendezvous. Unfortunately his girlfriend paid an unexpected visit. Thinking quickly, he told g.f. that the other woman was a burglar, and called the cops to report same. Result? He is charged with false reporting to authorities.
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FROM HUMORIST P.J. O'ROURKE: "Everyone wants to save the earth. Nobody wants to help mom to do the dishes."
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