The Smorgasboard
IN THE WIDE WORLD of sports, this just in, a partial score: Boston, 6 . . . Have you seen the ad for a brand spanking new two dollar bill? Only ten bucks! But there's more! Act right now and we'll throw in another $2 bill --- no extra charge! So I send them ten bucks, they refund me four. Only a Washington politician could have thought up this ad campaign . . . Dad says to his smart-aleck kid at dinner:" One more bite like that and I'll put you down from the table." Kid retorts: "One more bite like that and I'll be finished." . . . Two brothers left home. One sailed off to sea, the other became Vice President of the United States. Neither was ever heard from again . . . Not exactly a quick study dept: Michelle Astumiam of San Luis Obispo, Calif., was accused of forging prescription drugs and ordered to show up in court. She appeared at the appointed time with a doctor's note asking that her sentence be delayed. The note was --- you guessed it --- forged . . . Way to go, Mr. P: President Obama accepted an award for supporting government transparency. The award was accepted at a private ceremony. The media and public were not allowed to attend . . . Groucho Marx, interviewing a contestant on his old TV show: "It says here you have nine children. NINE children? How do you explain that?" "Well, Groucho, sez the contestant, "I love my wife." Retorts Groucho:"I like my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while." Needless to say, that line didn't make the final cut . . . Poli-tickle: "I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people of this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told I am". A tip of my chrome dome to John Cleese of Monty Pythom fame for that zinger . . . There's a new toilet bowl cleaner out. Its name? KABOOM! How long do you think it will take for the manufacturer to figure out what a poor choice of titles this is on so many different levels? . . . Here's how low-tech I am: A friend asked me t'other day if my cell phone took pictures. "No", I replied. "And my camera doesn't make phone calls."
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SHOOTING FROM THE LIP: Have you gotten a load of all the weight-loss ads? Lose up to 300 lbs IN 48 HOURS!*(*Results not typical) says an ad for Weight Begone. My father had a pretty succinct opinion on this matter: "there is only one way to lose weight. You need to take in less calories than you burn, period. If you do that, no matter how you do it, you will lose weight." Being the smart alec teenager I was, I said: "So you can do it with candy?" "Yes, you can," responded my father, giving me a playful kidney punch. These ads show a picture of a nice juicy cheeseburger or an enticing slice of cheesecake. What they fail to show you is that the photo has been enlarged to about 300% bigger that comfortably shows the product barely covering a person's little finger. Then there's the obligatory before and after pictures. In the before picture someone is wearing sweats, indoors, carrying a can of soda and not looking at all happy. In the NEXT picture, She/He is out on the beach, having a great time in their form-fitting bikini or bathing suit. What they NEVER show you is the really after picture, where they've gained back all the weight and more. They're wearing the sweats again, but in addition to the coke a bag of chips has been added. Their belly now comfortably keeps their toes warm. Study after study shows that 85 or 90% of folks that try these fad diets end up going all the weight back plus more. Do you think this exercise in self fluggelation has value at all? I can't think of any. Neither could my dad, and he was a pretty smart guy.
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A TIMELESS POEM deliverd by the late Jimmy Steward on Johny Carson's old tonight Show: I love old lake Wanacoochie; it's surface is smooth as glass. But GETTING to late Wanacoochie is a real pain in the " . . . eh, caboose" . . . So the baseball season starts in April. And we all know what that means, don't we? By April 15th the Mets will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs . . . One thing about baldness --- it's neat . . . A Settler is heading out west back in the 1830's. He stops in a small prarie town. Seeking out the local church, he goes in, shakes hands with the pastor, and confesses: "Father, I am so frightened. I've been told there are horrible fires, devastating earthquakes, and fierce Indians. I'm scared of what awaits me." The pastor, who has been calmly polishing his musket the entire time, says: "Son, I believe in God. When it's my time, God will call me. I'm not frightened of anything." "That's very reassuring, Father, "says the settler. "But if you're not scared of anything, why do you carry a gun?" "Who knows", responds the pastor. "Today may be the Indians' time." . . . I thought republicans had learned something from "Tricky Dick." But now they've iced the cake by giving us Nasty Newt."
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AUTHOR MALACHY McCOURT said it: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
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