01/03/2014
Out With the Olde;
In With the *Phew!*
I AM REMINDED of the old Woody Allen joke: "I divide our species into two categories: the miserable and the horrible. The horrible are people that are disfigured, amputees, living in iron lungs, or in hopeless poverty --- I don't understand how they get thru life. And the miserable is everybody else." Why not get the New Year off to a fitting and hopeful start? Plus my best friend Saunders is laid up in the hospital right now and this is his kind of joke. Get well, Saunders --- I miss you, and you know what they say --- half a wit is better than none . . . A new website! It's called Farmers Only. First is a guy in a field surrounded by cows. That's followed by a woman in a field, also surrounded by cows. It's some kind of dating site (I must confess --- the Christian Mingle dating site is confusing enough to me. Christians aren't supposed to mingle; they're looking for their one and only so they can do the fun stuff to procreate only. Take Richard Nixon, now there was a good Christian. He had sex twice in his life and each time he was wearing a dark blue suit. But I ingress). Trouble is I don't understand who's looking for what. The man and the woman are alone. The place is loaded with cows. So the cows have already found each other. The man and woman are all by themselves, in separate film, so they haven't found other farmers --- unless the man and the woman are having a hard time deciding which cow they want --- it's all quite confusing. It's been a number of years since I've been up to date on such matters, but farming used to be pretty male-dominated. These are odds I like, and heck darn and schucky dang, ah kin tawk lahk a fahmuh; Ma, fetch the overalls, Ah'm In! . . . Now that I'm thinking about it, I've never had kids, but it must be way cool. People tend to treat you much differently when you're holding a newborn --- especially in strip clubs.
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RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN says we should reign in the NSA --- and we don't even wiretap his cellphone calls! . . . Been awhile since I've unloaded about Mr. Putin, and I of course do everything in my power not to tip my hand regarding how I feel about this worthless deadbeat. I think he's doing everything in his power to restart the cold war; I'll get to that. First, a little record-straightening. It was not exactly honest of Mr. Putrid to leave the impression that he came up with the path for peace in Syria. Secretary of State Kerry (a man who has actually seen war) was asked at a press conference if there was anything that could be done to avoid President Obama's nonsensical idea to carry out an air strike against Syria. "Mr. Assad could agree to U.N. inspection of their sarin facilities and negotiate removal of same", said the SOS. Within a couple of hours Putin had contacted Assad and announced this plan to the world as HIS idea. Then he came up with his forward-looking laws and proposals about gay folks. Throw them in prison! Take their children away and put them in orphanages! Why stop there? Let's just shoot them if they're even accused of being gay! Now he's released oil tycoon Mr. Khodorkovsky (why do these folks have such long names? Makes research for the column difficult) from prison, a man who no longer poses any threat to Putin. He thinks this makes him look benign to the rest of the world. "Rubbish!" retorts writer Lilia Sherstosa (AGAIN with the confusing names!). "(He) has been demonstrating all along that he does not care anymore what the rest of the world is thinking of him. He views other world leaders as weaklings who can be ignored." So did Hitler. As far as the cold war goes, Putin wants to establish Russian supremacy in the Middle East. LET HIM HAVE IT!!! He can negotiate with the ayatollahs, the sheiks, the allahs, al queda, talliban, whoever. We'll help Israel (who's perfectly capable of helping themselves) and the rest will still be happy to take our money. Mr. Putin is staking his reputation on the Winter Olympics being staged in Russia. President Obama and Vice President Biden will not be attending as a statement of protest against homophobia. They will also be sending such closeted figures as Billie Jean King to play visible roles. But they are sending a former cabinet level official, Janet Napalitano. May I suggest a White House groundskeeper? They could also send the fellow that did the signing for the deaf at Mandela's funeral as an interpreter. We are still on good terms with most of Europe, Australia and Japan; all countries who are somewhat gay-friendly. Let's call in some favors. I hate to call in the Russian fundamentalists because they aren't too discriminating about who they injure and kill, but they've been making Verminir Putrid a little nervous lately, and that's good. It's way past time to take this blustering egomaniac down. Enough of a rant by moi? I sure hope so, 'cause I'm pooped.
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AN "OVERHEARD" FROM Leah Garchick's wonderful Ess Eff Chronicle column (best gossip column in America): "I was homeschooled. I had to bully myself." . . . Note to all you young folks: Michael Bolton is back! This guy inflicted himself on my generation with his cajones-free ballads and bland voice. Anyway, you can hear his best work on the car commercials he's doing now, and the next time your parents complain about your taste in music, just pull him out . . . My Pal Al decided to escape the harsh San Francisco winters by vacationing in Hawaii. Got an email from him in which he informs me that "I've found that lying on the beach consuming Mai Tais at 2 pm is a rather ****ty idea." Nonsense, Al. That's why the pharmaceutical industry invented Ipecac. A good slug of that, wait 20 minutes, and you're ready to start all over, fully refreshed. Problem solved; yr' welcome . . . A multiple choice test: Q. Do women have the right to make their own decisions about their bodies? a) Yes. b) I'm an ignorant nincompoop . . . And finally, a couple of personal notes: Happy Birthday to my valued and delightful friend-for-life, Laurie . . . Another shoutout to my Pop, who would've been 91 today. I love you and miss your humor and wisdom.
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT: "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax."
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There goes my baby
With someone new.
She sure looks happy,
I sure am willschneider7648@gmail.com
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