01/17/14
Voyage to the Bottom of My Brain
LET'S BEGIN TODAY in TV land, where white supremacist Craig Cobb, who wishes to establish an Aryan enclave in North Dakota, has mistakenly agreed to appear on television to have his DNA tested. The black host (omigawd) is pleased to inform the horrified Mr. Cobb that he's 14% African, offer him a fist bump and call him "bro". This reminds me of the rumor that Hitler had some Jewish blood in his lineage, which was either knocked down or disproven. When I was a teenager I insisted on growing my hair long (this was very controversial back in the days when Dinosaurs ruled the earth). My hair fell out by the time I was 25. Forever after, my mom referred to this as Poetic Justice. We can file the aforementioned in the same category . . . Over to the Obamacare website, where Adriana (she refuses to give her last name), whose attractive, smiling visage adorned the home page of HealthCare.gov asserts she has been the victim of fierce cyberbullying. "I didn't design the website, so I don't think they had any reasons to hate me," she whined. Point taken, Adriana, but had you noticed there were a few people who objected to the ACA? What exactly did you expect? Chalk it up to a poorly investigated career move . . . Getting the 'rents outta yer face: An outfit in China has launched a website that, for a fee, will allow you to hire a fake boyfriend that you can take home and introduce to the folks. The idea being that this will get them off your back about finding a beau. If China is coming up with ideas like this, we're likely to lose the cultural wars. Shape up, America! . . . One D.C. wag chimes in: "Stop calling what's happening in Congress gridlock. It's insulting to traffic jams."
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SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES: I am aware that I'm venturing into an area that involves human feelings so I should be careful, but I can't help myself. Let's begin with the situation at Ess Eff General. I would call this a comedy of human errors, tho I am fully aware there's nothing funny about it. There was no plot to lose this woman. They knew she was gone right away; they just didn't know where to look (also human error, but no plot). Same with the poor young teenager at Children's Hospital in Oakland. A routine tonsillectomy with horrible complications, but I don't hold the doctors responsible. The way the hospital handled it; now that was different. Very damaging PR for the hospital, which brings me to my point. Human beings make mistakes; we always have and we always will. Every time I see ambulance chaser Gloria Allred on the tube I want to vomit, even tho I am usually in agreement with her. But I am sick of the legal profession making such an obscene monetary killing on human error. They should all be shot. No, I retract that, we should boil them first. I worked for a little mom 'n' pop outfit called Marriott. By the end of my career I could have spent all my time in my office filling out forms and checking off boxes. The job took me more and more away from prepping food, supervising the staff, and interacting with customers. That was a perfect formula for mistakes to happen. The cook gets into a fight with the utility worker and there's a punch out because the boss is not around to intervene. The salad prep person doesn't check the date on the milk and makes a contaminated batch of dressing because there's no one around to double-check. Perhaps the lady's disappearance from General would have been noticed sooner if the nurses hadn't been so busy filling out their charts. Who knows what a surgeon has to pay attention to besides the patient while performing surgery? Don't they have to look at a whole bunch of monitors and machinery? Could this --- even if momentarily --- distract them? And what distracted Children's after the event? They were all over the media, of course! Forget the patient, hang the doctors out to dry if need be, marginalize the family --- WE NEED OUR LAWYERS! Thankfully, I'm not hearing about these kind of problems in small businesses, not because things don't go wrong, but because small business doesn't have such deep pockets. Unlike Amalgamated Consolidated Incorporated small business is paying their fair share of taxes instead of using every loophole in creation, hiding all their money overseas, screwing over their employees, and --- WHOOPS! Tangental rant coming on --- save for another column. What I'm attempting to say is we're working for lawyers as opposed to taking care of one another as human beings, and I'm not happy about it. This applies to single human error only, not the trouble we can get ourselves into when we get a gaggle of H.B.s together that try to plot. The current situation with Gov. Chris Christie comes to mind. All the evidence isn't in, and it would be unfair to presume anything other than innocence on his part, but a careful examination of the events could lead one to think the Governor just might possibly be remotely guilty of something (that's guilty --- GUILTY! GUILTY!! GUILTY!!!). I had to get that in --- like I explained, sometimes I can't help myself. I was raised by good people, but over the years I've developed some ways about me that just ain't right.
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WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE about a higher minimum wage? Won't this cramp the wealthy folks' need to increase the maximum wage? Honestly, you selfish deadbeats! No wonder our country's such a mess . . . Can't the stores take 24 hours off for the hollydaze? The last thing I feel like doing when I've stuffed myself on food and drink is go shopping! Well, Bi-Rite and Walgreens could be open so we could stock up on Pepto-Dismal and Alka Seltzer . . . Headline on "Dear Abby" column: "I love mornings, yet traffic, work put me in a foul mood." Dear worthless waste of valuable human territory: And what do you like? The alarm clock? Cleaning the cat litter box? Do what I do: start drinking immediately. The day will fly by. Love, Shabby . . . According to media sensation Morrissey, he sees "no difference" between eating meat and pedophilia. So, Mr. M (if that is in fact your real name), what is the difference between being a vegetarian and being a cannibal? . . . THIS JUST IN! Porn star Linda Lovelace and Dracula have returned from the dead to team up for a movie, titled "Down for the Count" (I know you're out there, folks, I can hear you groaning).
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FROM HARVARD ECONOMIST Henry Rosovsky: "Never underestimate the difficulty of changing false beliefs by facts."
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I knew you were
You were gonna come to me
And here you are
But you better choose willschneider7648@gmail.com
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