01/24/14
Gamut from Ho to Hum
SO THE PRESIDENT gave his speech about the NSA last week, which offered a bunch of excuses and absolutely nothing new. It's been difficult lately to remain a FOB (Friend of Barack), tho I still am, but he seems to have lost his voice and lost his way. Why doesn't the President have advisers like me who would tell him what folks were really thinking? Um --- wait a sec. I'd just be participating in the circle jerk routine of sucking up and promoting my own ideas that he gets to his face, all the while bad mouthing him behind his back while preparing notes for my best-selling autobiography "I Was the Only One Who Told Him the Truth But He Wouldn't Listen". Actually I can still write it, using my powers of telepathy . . . Duh! Dept.: Over 50 Americans scalded themselves during the recent cold snap by throwing pots of boiling water into the air, assuming it would freeze before it landed on them. Ah, the best laid plans --- maybe I should've said the best tossed plans . . . What column would be complete without a "Grabber", that feature in the Sunday Book Review section that prints the first line of a new novel, plus my capsule review. This week the book is "Saving Mozart" (ambitious title!) by Raphael Jerusalmy: "I hate Fridays." Obviously he had Wednesday and Thursday off . . . Off to Merry Olde England, where inventor Charlie Francis has used fluorescent proteins from jellyfish to create an ice cream that glows in the dark. He thought his invention was safe, since "I tried some and don't seem to be glowing anywhere". (*Urp!*) I'll take your word for it, Charlie . . . It's the night of Jesus' birth. Three Wise Guys are following the North by Northwest Star, looking for the Manger Suite at the Bethlehem Motel Six (a bit hard to find since the interstate bypass was completed). They stop at the Home Depot to get a crib (Home Depot out of stock, had to drop into Ikea), then find the Baby Jesus, all meanly wrapped in swaddling clothes (when I say meanly wrapped, I'm talking about a really nasty job of wrapping. Pretty atrocious swaddling, too). They present Jesus with their gifts: Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh (pronounced "myrrh"). I can see Jesus having a lot of fun with Frankenstein, but what's a little baby going to do with gold and myrrh? No point to this item; I just like all the cheap jokes --- before you jump me, remember the advantage of cheap (and corny) jokes --- the price is right.
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HAPPY BELATED MLK DAY --- I think. I saw Vice President Biden on the tube Monday, saying something to the effect of he had thought we were over the hump on the whole civil rights stuff. Until recently I was just as guilty of this. The Vice President, who I like, sounded both surprised and distressed by what he was saying (this is one reason I like the veep --- for a politician, I find him refreshingly genuine and down to earth). There have been plenty of signs over the years that our brothers and sisters of color haven't been getting an even remotely fair shake. Remember the incidents at Denny's about twenty years ago, culminating in that institution refusing to serve a group of Secret Service agents? Come on, Denny's --- dark suits, white shirts, black ties, sunglasses --- honestly, dip into your corporate profits and take out enough money so you can buy a clue. I had a friend who joined the service in the late 60s and was stationed in Georgia. He made friends with a black fellow and one day they drove into town to get lunch. They went into a local diner, the owner came over and took the black guys order. A few minutes later a beautifully prepared entree was delivered. "Excuse me," said my white friend George. "I wanted to order too." "Law says I gotta serve him," came the response. "Doesn't say anything about you." I like to think we've come a long way from those days, but sometimes I wonder if the less tolerant elements have just become more sophisticated. The "Stop and Frisk" law in NYC resulted in something like 80% of blacks being pulled over when they only account for about 20% of crime. The Trayvon Martin case was appalling. But one thing has changed dramatically --- the number of white people living in poverty. The War on Poverty is another column, but we declared it fifty years ago. Back then the pictures we saw were primarily black folks and their kids, who lived in shacks (no indoor plumbing, often no electricity) and all looking malnourished. Because of Lyndon Johnson (and virtually no one else) very few folks are living in shacks and looking malnourished. Also, this is no longer exclusively or even primarily a race problem. White women are too often the heads of households now. I don't think this is what Dr. King had in mind. I saw a picture in the paper of MLK Jr. Drive in St. Louis --- a bunch of boarded up and/or gated buildings, one with a sign saying "Dream and Make the World Conform to Your Dreams". Do you think Dr. King would have endorsed this philosophy? Seems more to me like something Hitler could get down with. As to the outrageous decision the Supremes made scrapping title V of the Voting Rights Act, there is virtually ZERO evidence that anyone is trying to take advantage of the right to vote. I fail to see how the intent of these laws is anything other than racism, youthism, ageism, whatever. In short, a solution in search of a problem. On the other hand, 40% of the populace chooses not to vote. If you don't vote, don't gripe. But Happy Birthday, Martin --- the dream lives on.
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READING THE NEWSPAPER for fun and items: Actual ad: Anniversary Dinner: $200. Bottle of wine: $100. Cure for Erectile Dysfunction: Priceless. Underneath, in slightly smaller type: December Special: $199! Includes everything (followed by a list of everything you get except a cure for ED). Priceless, eh? . . . A Sunday Headline: "S.F. listed as top city in U.S. to have a baby." So, young ladies, head on down to the corner of Turk and Jones @ 12:30AM and Have That Baby! . . . File under "Loyalty": Hiroo Onada, 91, has died. He fought in WWII. His commander, Maj. Taniguchi, instructed him in March 1945 to defend his corner of a remote island in the Philippines and await further instructions. This Mr. Onada did, surviving on coconuts and bananas, shooting the occasional intruder, until Maj. Taniguchi, now a bookkeeper, returned to inform him that Japan had lost the war and Hiroo could return home. This was in 1974. The whole thing reminds me of one of my Pop's favorite jokes: Q. Who is Chicken Teriyaki? A. The last living kamikaze pilot. Dated and maybe even racist, but happy to get a chance to remind the world of what a great guy Pop was.
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SAGE OBSERVATION FROM Jean-Paul Sartre: "Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat." (Schnide Sez: You may have noticed I don't do much rowing.)
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I believe every lie that I ever told,
Paid for every heart that I ever stole.
I paid my cause and I didn't fold.
Well it ain't that hard when you got willschneider7648@gmail.com
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