CURRENTLY DECEASED BUT nevertheless very talented British comedian Dudley Moore opens things up: "Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water!" . . . And from very much alive and also very British comic Eddie Izzard: "How do you suppose the appendix feels about Intelligent Design?" . . . Have you caught the prescription drug ads on T.V. lately? The first half of the commercial claims all the benefits of this brand new wonder drug. Cures cholesterol! Restores stomach and bowel regularity! Eliminates depression! Gives you the libido of an eighteen year old! Pays your mortgage! Then the other portion of the ad, which is just as long as the first half, with all the same happy faces except they're talking twice as fast: don't take Cureitol if you are nursing, plan to become pregnant, or can potentially impregnate a woman (if you have this situation, try our new male birth control pill PregNot --- Be sure to read hideous warnings on label). Have your doctor perform regular liver tests as our product is toxic to the liver. While you're at it, might as well get regular heart, lung, kidney, and everything else checked up too. You can't be too careful if you're taking this stuff. If you develop an erection that lasts more than four hours, get immediate medical attention (Ohgawd how I wish I'd EVER had this problem, but let's not go there). If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call 911 immediately. Hallucinations may occur. Possibility of dizziness, drowsiness, itching, hives, rash and death. Do not drink alcohol in excess when taking this medication. I am already drinking alcohol in excess to calm my nerves while just contemplating the risk of these drugs.
* * *
POLI-TICKLE: President "Silent Cal" Coolidge led our nation through most of the roaring twenties. I know many stories of him, often related to his carefully chosen words. Once he was at a Washington Bistro (Yes, Presidents used to be able to go to them in those days!) A waitress approached him, and said: "Mr. President, I have a bet with my fellow waitresses that I can get you to say at least three words." Without missing a beat, the President replied "you lose" . . . Do you recall the boxers vs. briefs-stuff that Governor Clinton was asked about in the heat of the 1992 campaign? Wow, what a highly-charged national security issue! Senator Bob Dole, the Republican nominee of 1996 and then aged 73, was asked the same question. The reported response? "Depends" . . . How classy a response you can get? . . . President Harry Truman was once asked at a press conference what he thought of a Republican-sponsored piece of legislation then being proposed. "Horse manure", replied the President. A reporter caught up with first lady Bess Truman shortly after. "Mrs. Truman," he said respectfully. "your husband is the President of the United States! How can you allow him to say those kind of words?" Mrs. Truman sighed and said "You have no idea how it took me to get him to say THAT" . . . Otto Von Bismark, famed German statesman of the 19th century, once said: "making law is like making sausage. The end result maybe pleasing but you don't want to witness the process."
* * *
SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES: You open the cereal box; no grapes, no nuts. What's up with that? . . . All this fuss about second amendment. Of course I'm against it. Why on earth would anybody want to arm bears? They can already do a lot damage by themselves. Whyinevvins name should we let them have guns? Were the founding fathers drunk when they thought this one up? Uh --- wait a sec --- I'm being told it's actually about bearing arms. Who could be against that? Bare legs, even bare feet, that's all fine with me. Heck, we shouldn't need an amendment about it . . . Have you heard about the organization D.A.M? Stands for Mothers Against Dyslexia . . . Good news on that front! Headline in paper t'other day: "Cure Dyslexia For Found" . . . My uncle Otto was dyslexic. The only word he could spell properly was his name . . . I get a kick out of the current canned soup promotional commercials: made with "farm grown" veggies. As opposed to bus stations grown produce? . . . nothing satisfies quitet like a fresh tomato from Downtown Farms . . . So Eve said: "Adam do you really love me?" and Adam replies: "Who else?" . . . Have you seen new Denny's ad campaign featuring bacon and all the new ways they can serve it to you? Don't get me wrong, I love bacon. It has all of the basic food groups: fat, salt, cholesterol and smoke. An extra bacon BLT? Great! Bacon meatloaf? Howdy Doody! A bacon sundae? Urp --- excuse me a minute. Methinks that by the time you read this, Denny's will have a new ad campaign.
* * *
FROM WILL ROGERS: "Mixing politics and religion is like mixing manure and ice cream. It doesn't do much to the manure, but it surely does ruin the ice cream."
No comments:
Post a Comment