02/28/14

Do You Mind If I

Let Out a Gazooka?

REMEMBER ED JEW?  He was a Stupidvisor from the Sunset district about a half dozen years ago.  He was caught not living in his district and accepting bribes.  If you recall my columns from The City Star at the time, I was pretty rough on him.  I'm not sorry about that.  Turns out the guy is trying to get his sentence reduced to time served.  He's been behind bars for at least five years.  He's also been a model prisoner.  Additionally he has a wife and daughter waiting for him to come home.  The bribery was $40,000, which he stored in his home freezer.  In politics, this would be known as pocket change.  For living outside his district, he should have been removed from office, which he was.  The rest has been overkill.  Let the man go so he can get on with his life --- I think he's learned his lesson . . . Reader G.B. Shaw checks in:  "Of course there's intelligent life in the rest of the universe.  They haven't tried to contact us, have they?" . . . I'm not a big fan of Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.  But she did the right thing by vetoing the hideous anti gay amendment her legislature passed.  I think she's also going along with the Medicaid portion of the Affordable Care Act, which is a simple recognition of reality.  Now if we could just get some of her congress to have their heads examined.  I think bigotry is a pre-existing condition, and thus covered by Obamacare . . . In the Ukraine, it looks like we may be a big step closer to that country lining up with the EU forces.  Anything to reduce Vladimir Vhithead Putin's sphere of influence is fine with me.

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IT'S TRAVEL TIME!  A Florida man has racked up over $130,000 in fines for refusing to trim the plants, grass and weeds in his yard.  Sez he has a "moral opposition" to doing so.  It's driving down property values, say the neighbors.  He says the fines are a "blunt tyranny" by the govt. to try and regulate his ability to grow crops.  Good luck with your hobby, sir . . . Because of the holiday and Super Bowl parties, we have a national shortage of Velveeta.   My dear sweet lord, what is America coming to?  One fan referred to the shortage as a "cheesepocalypse" . . . Howcum he never writes any nice stories?  OK, here's one:  Against family orders, a 12-year old Kentucky boy stayed up until 3 AM playing computer games.  He smelled something funny.  Turned out to be an electrical fire in the kitchen.  He awoke his family and guided them all to safety.  Awww . . . An Australian man decided  it would be a nice surprise for his girlfriend if he hid naked in a top-loading washing machine.  Police had to grease him liberally with olive oil to get him out.  By the way, his girlfriend was properly surprised . . . Finally, we're in New Hampshire, where 12-year old Maddie Gilmartin decided to test a theory of hers by sticking her tongue on a frozen flagpole to see if it would --- well, you know, stick.  Experiment successful.  Her parents found her flailing away awhile later and freed her with warm water.  "Think before you do something," Maddie said later thru a sore, swollen tongue.

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ABE LINCOLN GAVE US THIS:  "I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."

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You say you want a revolution;

Well, you know,

We'd all love to change willschneider7648@gmail.com

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02/21/14

I Know My Writes

HEADLINE IN THE CHRON:  "White House offers to help thwart attacks":  The White House offered to help U.S. businesses protect their computer systems from cyberattacks that President Obama called "one of the gravest national security dangers that the United States faces."  Excuse me;  I'm confused.  Isn't this the same White House that got all exercised when Eddie Snowden exposed all of their extracurricular activities?  Why don't we give Mr. Snowden a work permit and have him figure all this out?  He's certainly demonstrated an ability in this area.  Do I have to do all the heavy lifting around here? . . . Now we're off to China, where their state-run newspaper, The Global Times, has claimed the country's choking air pollution is good for national defense because the smog would cover the areas from missiles and drones.  Wouldn't the smog be a pretty good way of telling where the targets --- oh, never mind . . . And the coveted Schneiduh award this week goes to Jennifer Chirico of Connecticut.  She was running late for a court hearing on a minor criminal charge and apparently confused about which court she was supposed to show up at, so she called bomb threats into three separate courthouses.  She won't have to worry about being on time for the next ten years, because that's how long she's being put away.  Way to go, Jen!  That's really taking the bull by the --- testicles? 

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SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES:  This week's homily is about President hating.  I'm agin' it.  I was guilty of it until August 9th, 1974.  I allowed myself to hate Richard Nixon.  I hated him right thru August 8th when he made that smarmy, maudlin resignation speech, in which he accepted no responsibility for what he'd done, let alone apologize to the millions of Americans who had supported him nor pardoned all of his minions who went to jail for following his orders.  But the next day I saw something entirely different when he made his off the cuff remarks in the East Room as he was leaving office.  "Never be petty --- always remember:  Others may hate you.  But they can't win unless you hate them back --- then you destroy yourself."  I saw a completely broken human being.  Just as stunning, I saw the look on the faces of his broken family.  The whole thing was heartbreaking.  But hey, we won!  Here's what we won:  Thirty-five years without an even emotively progressive President.  Carter and Clinton?  Give me a break.  These two are wearing well enough in history, but Reagan is doing better.  Why?  Because hatred has no patience.  It just wants to win;  hang the cost.  I thought the right wing had spent its credibility on President Clinton, but then along came Obama!  How about this --- instead of impeaching Nixon, why didn't congress just censure him?  He would have been completely ineffective his last two and a half years in office.  The democrats could probably have renominated McGovern or maybe Mondale in 1976 and won big.  But I ingress.  Barack Obama is better on social issues than any President since Lyndon Johnson.  He has established National Health Care.  As long as he doesn't get us into a war, he has a good legacy, and nearly three more years to build on it.  The current President haters will be remembered about as favorably as Father Coughlin.

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DING A LING RING A DING!  FEATURETTE!  This time it's a chunk 'o philosophy from my best friend Saunders:  "Think globally;  irritate locally" . . . Over to Sochi, where an upstart band named Pussy Riot (love that name!) decided to give an impromptu performance in the Olympic City.  We all know this was President Putin's moment in the sun and he wanted ZERO disruptions.  So it wouldn't surprise me if the order to forcibly rip off their face masks and whip them publicly came directly from him.  I can picture it all:  President Verminer Putrid orders you to whip those Pussies!  I'll stay in Moscow while the civilized world pussywhips me . . . A shootout to Joe's Cable Car, an Ess Eff institution that will close on March 16th after 49 years in business.  Joe's been working 12 hour days, six day weeks, no time off, and at 75, he's pooped.  Can't blame him.  He takes pride in trimming and grinding his own chuck daily.  All of the basic food groups here:  Grease, salt,  fat and cholesterol.  Add bacon and you've got it made.  But I wreckommend a patty melt; ask for extra onions.  A lot of us will miss you, Joe.  Where do we go now?  My cab-driving buddy John Gould suggests Burgermeister, located at Filbert and Columbus, as an acceptable alternative.  Why there?  Because cab drivers Know Everything.  John told me at the beginning of 2008 that the market was gonna crash --- wish I'd Listened . . . Chronicle columnist C. W. Nevius had this t'other day:  Ingleside cops busted a guy for burglary.  While searching him, they found meth in his pants pocket.  The guy's excuse?  Those aren't my pants!  Police booked him anyway.

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FROM THE GREAT LOUIS ARMSTRONG:  "There are some people that if they don't know;  you can't tell them."

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Hey, I just met you:

This is crazy ---

Here's my number,

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02/14/14

Valentine's Day?

THIS IS NOT an ordinary day for me.  I don't buy candy, flowers or cards (just part of the crass commercialization that all holidays have become --- but I'm not going to rant today).  This is a day for watching a gorgeous Ess Eff sunset, observing a fire crackle in the fireplace, looking at the view from a quiet mountain lake, and holding hands with your significant other.  To celebrate it properly, one should take the entire day off from our hustling, teeth-gritting, stomach-churning routines.

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"You organize your life that way

For minutes and days and years away

And put your pencils in their stall

Then you've done Nothing At All."

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I THINK OF A SPECIAL GIRL, disarmingly attractive from head to toe, not only to me.  She had this same effect on many other men, perhaps more than she could handle;  I wouldn't know.  I do know that I'd never met such an enchanting creature:  half imp, half elf, every milliliter fascinating to it's core.  For a long while she meant everything to me, and for shorter periods of time me to her.  There was nothing we could not share in that marvelous spectrum of emotions we call life.  I chased her for years --- there were other men, other adventures, other people --- way too many for her to pass up.  She lived life to its full potential;  I got on with mine but the fire never burned out.  I was miserable when I could not be with her.  I began my career.

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"You write your pages by the hour;

Plan your work and meals and shower.

Planning one two three four five

For what to do while you're alive."

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SHE FINALLY RELENTED and we moved in together.  For a while we shared everything, from the best of times to the worst.  We grew apart.  She suggested we should separate;  I resisted.  Ultimately I agreed, more in anger and hurt than any desire for her to leave.  She sensed this and told me she would not go until she was sure we could be friends.  I did not appreciate the wisdom and maturity of her words, and I did not let go easily --- it took me a year to assent.  It was a tough year for both of us.  We talked haltingly and uneasily for years.  She married a fine man and they bore two wonderful children.  I let my heart go a couple more times, but it wasn't the same.  After twenty years together, her husband died unexpectedly.  She was devastated and shocked;  we began talking a bit in fits and starts.  About ten years ago I got wind of one of our childhood heroes, Paul McCartney, coming to town.  I called her and we went.  It was then I began to realize what she meant about being friends --- better late than never, I suppose.  Meanwhile, our lives went on, ever more full and demanding.

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"The phone that interrupts you rings

With busy people and busy things.

Now you're gonna miss your train:

These interruptions are to blame."*

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HOW WOULD THINGS have worked out if we'd stayed together?  I doubt it would have been trailing clouds of joy.  One can never know about such things.  One can only guess.  But it can be a beautiful guess.  Valentine's day is a constant;  it arrives every Feb. 14th, and like I said at the beginning it's no ordinary day with me.  It was on this day, so many years ago, that we met.

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*Poetry © 1984 by Doug Heeschen, one of my best friends and whom I had the privilege of composing with.

To hear the music to the lyrics, go to https://home.comcast.net/~heeschen/wsb/media/NothingAtAll.mp3

Contact willschneider7648@gmail.com or call (415)202-7697 8AM-4PM PST

02/07/14

I'm Too Poor to Be a Paranoid;

I Can Only Afford One Noid

ESTABLISHING YOUR PARAMETERS DEPT:  Barry Swegle of Port Angeles, Washington, was having a disagreement with a neighbor over a property line.  So he got behind the wheel of a logging machine and rammed it into four homes, a pickup truck and a power pole.  He's managed to set his property line, whatever it is and after the police finish charging and fining him . . . A Princess Cruise ship returned to port two days early because of a "dense fog" and not because 180 of the passengers caught a stomach virus, according to a ship spokesperson.  When informed there had been no reports of fog and the ship was covered with vomit and feces, Princess Cruise released a statement saying the ship had returned due to "climate change".  Okay, I didn't make up the first sentence . . . My Best Friend Saunders adds some interesting insight to my item last week about The Beatles:  "The 'Girl From Ipanema' was sung by Astrud Gilberto" (even Joe Scarborough knew that, Schnide) "and written by 'Tom' Jobim and Vinicius de Moraes.  Their music had already profoundly shaken up the musical, theatrical and movie worlds.  It was the first commercial hit from a different culture, i.e. Brazil, which had been struggling for mainstream recognition for over a decade.  A highly deserved award.  It's history's most recorded song other than 'Yesterday'."  As usual, Saunders knows a whole bunch of stuff I don't.  All I can say is the British had also been struggling since the 50s to make their contribution to the music scene and boy, did The Beatles succeed.  "Girl From Ipanema" is arguably a better song than any single song The Beatles released in 1964, but they certainly deserved equally to be recognized for what they did . . . After the stupid press release concocted by Gov. Christie and his playground bullies last Saturday (excuse me, the Governor did not sign it and was probably  "blindsided" by its release) I'm prepared to make a Fearless Prediction:  Chris Christie is toast.  He may be able to serve out his term as an extremely lame, and I do mean lame, duck Guv, but nationally, he's finished.  You read it here first (note I didn't say you heard it here first).

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THE KEYSTONE XL PIPELINE has cleared a major hurdle, with the State Dept. declaring it's unlikely to dramatically boost demand for Canada's oil sands.  If that's the case, then why the %#@$! build it?  In my humblish opinion, we will rue the day we built this full frontal assault on the environment, which I fear our President is looking for a way to sign off on.  He may wait until after the midterm elections to do this; but I've got a bad feeling about the whole thing.  This is horribly dirty oil.  If there's a spill (Don't worry about a thing!  Shell and Mobil will guarantee the safety) the sludge sinks to the bottom of our lakes, rivers and seas, making it impossible to clean up and destroying all life in our waterbeds.  If we keep behaving this way we won't be around long enough to be done in by global warming.  So here's my question for you, Mr. President:  In twenty years, will you be able to tell your grandchildren "I did something" about the environment, or will you say "I tried to do what I could"?  We're addicted to oil like some folks are to smoking.  We're always going to get off the stuff --- later.  After I get thru with this stress.  When I don't need to appease the business interests anymore, even tho I know in my heart what they're doing is wrong.  Tomorrow.  Trouble is, tomorrow never comes.  But Mr. President, I assume grandchildren will arrive in your family.  Will you do what it takes to leave them a better world?  Wouldn't it break your heart to have to look at their beautiful, innocent eyes and say "I did the best I could?"

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AN OHIO WALMART STORE held a Thanksgiving food drive --- for its own employees.  The drive was part of "the company's culture to rally around associates", said a spokesperson.  Here's another view, Duhmart:  Instead of asking your low paid employees to donate food to other low wage employees, try a) donating the food from your enormous corporate profits, not just to your indentured servitude employees but also other needy people in your community, and 2) more importantly, pay your workers a living wage in the first place . . . Need To Know Dept:  British researchers admitted to killing the world's oldest living animal, a 507-year-old Icelandic clam.  And how did they kill it?  They opened it to see how old it was . . . The Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News apologized for an 1863 editorial that dismissed President Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address as "silly remarks."  The paper said its previous editors must have been "under the influence of partisanship, or of strong drink."  Better late than never . . . If you were checking this space a couple of years ago, I noted that Denny's had introduced a number of new and inventive ways to serve bacon, including --- erghh --- a bacon sundae.  I predicted this ad campaign would be short-lived (I was right, but I take no bows.  Anybody with a two-digit IQ could've figured it out).  But they seem to be having trouble coming up with a catchy slogan.  I have a modest suggestion:  "Denny's --- Now Serving Blacks*".  No need to thank me; happy to help . . . Schnide Wreckommends:  Check out the Feb 3rd New Yorker, page 32, for a different take on sugary beverages (only one page, an easy and entertaining read).

*(w/proper ID)

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FROM THE GREAT WILL ROGERS:  "I belong to no organized Political Party.  I'm a democrat."

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It was the best of times;

It was the worst of willschneider7648@gmail.com

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