Schnide Remarks

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

What's in a Name?

OH MY, DO WE ever get excited about things in these parts.  Right now we're in a huge kerfuffle about our brand spanking new Bay Bridge.  Thepowers that be have deigned it be named after Willie Brown, our former Mayor.  Problem is, this only refers to the western span, opened in 1936.  It already has a name --- The Bay Bridge.  Howesomever, the approach deserves its own name.  Remember what a mess that was, for over ten years?  The Hindenburg had less design flaws than that monstrosity.  The entrances and egresses, designed in the early 30s and again twenty years later, were inadequate to begin with and have not aged well.  The redesigning gets one on and off the bridge without the curves that required you to slow to 10mph.  But once you approach or get off --- OHMYGOLLYGORKINS!  We could hang several signs over these streets to read while you're sexting. "This approach/egress brought to you by 80 years of poor city planning" --- it would be unfair to blame Willie for this.  The Oakland Toll Plaza, on the other hand, merits special attention.  It's a nice, wide structure that spans the plaza (ha! --- a span without backups, unless maybe you're a pigeon) and thus could accommodate a lot of words:  This Plaza and the 2.2 miles that follow brought to you via the egomania of Jerry and Willie Brown, plus the inexcusable delays provided by the Calif. Dept. of Highways, resulting in delays/cost overruns of $Gazzillion.  Toll in 1989:  $1.  Today:  $5-$6.  There would even be room for a sculpture.  I suggest a large right hand, middle finger appropriately extended.  And what about the cracking bolts we all read about that almost delayed the opening?  No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control.  Did you know that ifthe bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30 million bonus?  Just reporting.

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THE AVERAGE HEAD contains 250,000 hairs, give or take.  Redheads, a few more.  Blondes, a few less.  Am supplying this data to assist you in following the old Delphic Oracle's excellent advice:  "Know Thyself" . . . There's a small town, population 24, in North Dakota.  A fellow named Paul Cobb is buying up available land there, hoping to turn it into a haven for white supremacists.  He doesn't sound like a very nice man, but that isn't the story.  He's wanted in Canada on charges of promoting hatred.  What kind of law is this?  I hate frozen vegetables.  Does that make me persona non grata north of the border?  Also this town has a mayor by the name of Ryan Schock.  With a name like that, shouldn't we expect big things of him?  How about a drone attack on Bismarck?  Perhapshe could drop Paul Cobb from one . . . My Pal Al sez my column reads like it was written by a speed freak.  Sorryalilltryandslowthingsdownabitjustforyou . . . Al is also thinking about taking a cruise on his next vacation;  he isn't sure where but he is sure about one thing:  it won't be on Carnival.  "Those ship captains would have trouble finding land if they were skydiving," he asserts.

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A VERY POOR way of getting revenge:  A 64-year-old Canadian fellow decided to express his displeasure toward his estranged wife by dumpingheaps of manure into her outdoor hot tub.  He then made an unsuccessful getaway attempt, using his tractor.  "It was a low-speed chase," said the arresting officer --- "about 12.5 mph" . . . Senator Marco Rubio, the guy who exposed his drinking problem during the Republican response to the President's State of the Union speech, is in a spot of trouble with his fellow Republicans' over his too-liberal immigration stance, has responded by endorsing the idea of refusing to allow the govt. to pay its bills unless Congress votes to defund the Affordable Care Act.  Memo to the Tease Party --- The bill has been passed, signed, and upheld by the Supremes.  It isn't going anywhere before 2017, and it's Mr. Obama's legacy.  With the way things have been going for the President lately, he's likely hang onto it with both hands.  Plus, if it's such a bad idea, won't we know by then? . . . This also gets on my radar --- Immigration Reform.  The Democrats and gang of eight passed one thru the Senate.  The reps refused to sign onto it unless it was agreed that we'd add several hundred miles of fence and hire a thousand extra border guards.  And you thought the Democrats were the ones who always wanted extra spending!  As usual, it's up to me to step in with the obvious solution.  Why don't we sow a band of Nuclear Waste from the Rio Grande to San Diego?  We could get it from Nevada's Yucca Mountains --- that's two Senate votes already! --- and have Shell Oil transport it (so maybe they spill a bit; it's just a bunch of desert full of slithery, crawly things).  Once in place, it would require no maintenance or upkeep.  Don't pester me with silly objections about the out-of-control wildfire/dangerous-to-breathe air side effects --- that's what we have Senate committees for (although if my plan works, we may not have to worry about them, either --- yet another plus!).  Of course, we may have to say goodbye to a few cities;  Albuquerque, El Paso, San Diego, Sacramento and portions of Calgary, but what's up there anyway?  A bunch of flakes and commies.  Just an idea --- Yr. welcome.

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FROM MARK TWAIN:  "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."