a12/25/13

Merry Merry Merry

and Happy Happy Happy

I'M GOING TO TAKE the holiday off.  But as Ahnold Schwarzenhiesenblackenblueuntchessesenburger sez, "Ah be bak."  See you after the first.

A SCHNEIDER FAMILY TRADITION:

Merry Christmas,

Happy New Year.

Hope your refrigerator

Is full of beer.

War is over (if we want it)

Peas on earth;

Goodwill to everyone.

All Best,

Schnide

12/20/13

Help Me Combobulate

BREAKING NEWS:  Russia and Canada are both claiming territorial rights over the North Pole (currently occupied by ice).  Something about mineral and oil deposits, but that isn't the point.  Now it looks like we're in for a REAL Cold War . . . And MORE breaking news:  We have a budget for the first time since 2009!  There's something for everybody here --- if you live on Krypton.  If you live in America, however, all this budget does is kick every can in the country down the road.  This crowd in D.C. is the biggest collection of gutless wonders I've ever witnessed.  I'd say hats off for finally getting it done, but my gut tells me heads off would be more appropriate . . . Always turn to S.R. for the latest --- when news breaks, This Column Repairs It! . . . Item-Type-Item:  An Oakland resident named Alicia Dattner is performing a one-woman show called "The Oy of Sex."  Don't know anything about it;  I just like the title.  Want to check it out?  It's at the Marsh Theater on Valencia . . . Just Asking:  Why are earthlings the only ones allowed to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant? . . . Same with the World Series.  Howcum only two countries? . . . 86% of Americans wear seat belts.  About half of law enforcement officers don't, according to the California Commission on Peace Officer Standards.  And traffic fatalities are the leading cause of death among these folks.  Don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a solution in search of a problem . . . Most nations got together to sign a treaty calling for world reduction in distribution of firearms.  The U.S. was prepared to sign, but the NRA objected, saying it would interfere with our second amendment right to arm bears.

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SARAH PALIN has asserted that Pope Francis is (gasp!) a liberal.  Rush Limbaugh has called him a Marxist.  Some folks confuse these media celebrities with actual journalists.  These people are known as idiots.  But enough about reality.  The Pope says that if he met a gay person, he'd be happy to worship with them.  "Who am I to judge?" he asked.  You're the ****ing Pope, for Chrissakes!  What the hell else do you guys do?  Uh --- sorry about the inappropriate wording.  He also has said the church should not be quite so worked up about worldly issues, like all the other Popes lately have seemed to be.  He often leaves the Vatican and goes to poor parts of town to minister to the less fortunate.  He's even washed the feet of Muslims!  When he was a Cardinal, he eschewed the fancy out-of-town estate, living in an apartment downtown, preparing his own food, and, if I'm not mistaken, taking public transportation to his modest office.  If Sarah and Rush are upset with this Pope, they ought to get a load of what Jesus has been saying.  I think he's potentially the best since John XXIII . . . How about the phony who did the signing for the deaf at Nelson Mandela's funeral (speaking of Saints)?  Apparently it was total gibberish.  I want to know what test he had to pass to get the gig.  Finally, a job I could do! . . . Did you notice that Benji Netenyahoo wasn't at Mandela's ceremonies?  He's becoming isolated from the rest of the world, partly because of his increasingly hard line stances and exacerbated by some financial scandals.  He's fond of expensive cigars and cognac, which I don't think he buys with pocket change.  He has charged the govt. for $1700 in scented candles and $22,000 for a water bill at his vacation home.  As for his foreign views, let's accept that Iran would prefer Israel cease to exist.  Two points:  R) Iran would not be making this offer so they could vaporize Israel, and 4) Israel is perfectly capable of vaporizing the entire Middle East.  Time to step down, Benjamin, and let adults get this process going.  It takes both sides to negotiate.  All of this couldn't happen to a more deserving fellow.

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FORMER VEEP DICK CHENEY was roasted at a gathering of Bush administration allies, with waterboarding jokes dominating the evening.  It was "a very sentimental night", said one attendee.  No word on how Mr. Cheney felt about it . . . The Golden Gate National Recreation Area wants to delay a decision on the various proposals near the Crissy Field marsh area.  This is good thinking, since all of the designs SUCK.  The site is currently occupied by a Sports Basement store, which would be fine if it were actually underground . . . Representative Michele Bachman resurfaced on a talk radio show to say, among other witticisms, "we are in God's end times", and adding "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand."  For her sake I hope so.  That attitude would have made her a real forward-looking President . . . An Oklahoma man was charged with burglary after police matched his DNA to used toilet paper at the scene of the crime.  Police said Charles Williams used a home's bathroom while burglarizing it, leaving a mess behind and allowing the cops to identify Williams from his droppings.  The whole affair prompted a neighbor to offer Williams the following advice:  "Flush!" . . . Riddle Me This:  Q. How do you make a pair of pants last?  A. Make the coat first!  Get it?  Make the coat first!  Har dee har har har (Relax, folks --- It's almost over).

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FROM FOUNDING FATHER and second President John Adams:  "One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three is a congress."

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More than the greatest love the world has known,

This is the love I give to willschneider7648@gmail.com

12/09/13

Here He Goes Again

WHITHER THE REPUBLICANS?  They've now voted over 40 times to defund the Affordable Care Act.  I hate to sound like a broken DVD (no I don't), but I doubt this is much of an option now.  After all, when we had the hanging chad and butterfly ballot problem in 2000 (and Pat Buchanan said on national TV:  "Those votes in Palm Beach County weren't meant for me" --- now THERE was a national scandal), we didn't revert to monarchy.  The best they can hope for at this point is that the law implodes --- which, given the way things have been going for the President, just might happen.  I still think that once things get rolling, it will be popular.  Maybe they can start by trying to nullify the nuclear agreement with Iran --- I like it, so it must be a bad idea.  There are a few Republicans who are bringing up impeachment, but that won't work.  How can we impeach a President who wasn't born here?  But even some Dems, like Senator Whinestein, are on board as being squirrely about the Iran business.  Throw in the stuff that's already underway with Syria (too busy shutting down the govt. to jump on that one in time) and maybe they've got something.  We can of course count on Senator McCain, who would bomb Nebraska if he had an excuse.  I used to respect him when he was more of a maverick;  now he seems to be angling for History's Sorest Loser.  It's his own damn fault.  He ran a horribly negative campaign and picked a running mate that didn't made it thru her term as governor on her way to being a media celebrity (have to give Ms. Palin her props on that --- she knows how to stay in the public eye) . . . Polls indicate Obamacare is only popular with one in four Americans --- and that's just in the Obama family (one in five if the First Dog gets a vote).

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HAS IT BEEN cold lately or what?  It's been so cold that the Obamacare website literally froze up . . . It's been so cold that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had to smoke crack just to keep warm . . . But great snow!  I'll be up there in the fresh pow cutting the rails and shredding the liner.  Don't be telling ME I ain't one hep cat . . . Did you see 60 Minutes Sunday nite!?  Neither did I! . . . READER ALERT!   This column brought to you by Obamacare --- Turn your head and cough up savings! . . . San Diego Judge Patricia Cookson officiated a marriage between Danne Desbrow and his fiancé --- right after she sentenced the groom to 53 years in prison for murder . . . A group called the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled a new video and DNA analysis that it insists proves Bigfoot is real.  "This is a serious study," said Melba Ketchum, genetic scientist.  You didn't really need to tell us that, Melba . . . Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep on a plane and didn't disembark?  Apparently the crew didn't notice he was there, left, and turned off the power and locked up the plane.  Fellow had to call 911 to get out.  Two questions and one observation:  2) How could the landing not have awakened him?  b) was he sleeping under the seat? and III) Do you smell a huge lawsuit? . . . Did You Know Dept.:  According to British newspaper The Guardian, the number of Americans killed in all wars since 1775 is 1.17 million.  Number of Americans killed by firearms (including suicides) since 1968:  1.38 million.  Just reporting . . . Speaking of the NSA (we were?) Ess Eff Chronicle columnists Matier & Ross have helpfully pointed out that German Chancellor Angela Markel's husband works at UC Berkeley.  Like M&R I am always happy to point out wiretap long-distance savings tips, even tho the NSA seems immune to Republican or Democrat efforts to do so.

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NEWS I'M PROUD TO REPORT:  Ess Eff's current unemployment is 5.6%, one of the lowest in the country.  Our minimum wage is $10.55, one of the highest in the country.  So Chamber of Commerce and NRA (National Restaurant Assn., not that other NRA), in response to your comments about businesses being driven away by the M.W., especially the small businesses you claim to care so much about (The City is about 80% small business), why don't you go piss up a rope? . . . Gratuitous joke for old-timers:  Today is Ed Sullivan's birthday!  Don't forget to wear a really big shoe . . . Gratuitous joke for yuppies:  Remember the Budweiser commercials featuring the promiscuous dog who was always surrounded by gorgeous women?  Ladies, I mean no offense (I know better than that) but wouldn't you have to be pretty desperate to date outside your species? . . . And now, a word from your local undertaker:  Are you bored with life?  High cholesterol?  Diabetic?  Overeater?  Drink too much?  Avoid exercise?  Keep it up . . . These Kids Today, with all their piercings, tattoos and buzz-cut hairstyles:  One phrase they use I really like:  "No worries."  Beats the hell out of the ones my generation came up with, like "farm out," "outtastate", and "right arm" . . . Why is America the only country with overweight poor people?  I'm glad we don't have the flies buzzing around the head thing going on here, but wouldn't your food stamps go farther if you were to go on a diet?  (Note: not a good joke for Tease Party types to tell.)

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NUGGET O' WISDOM, courtesy Meryl Streep:  "You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing."

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Hey Jude, don't make it bad;

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, Hey Jude, begin,

You're waiting for willschneider7648@gmail.com

12/02/13

Patter of a Tiny Brain

MY LAWYER JUST CALLED --- Seems my vanity has sued (I put that in there for my best friend Saunders, who is amused by such stuff) . . . Here's a twist:  432 Ess Eff teachers didn't show up for work the Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving.  See, they were already getting Wednesday and Friday off, and decided to make it a long weekend by adding Tuesday.  Two observations:  a) This doesn't speak well of our educational system.  I'm talking about the teachers, not the students.  If they'd taken Monday off, it would have made it nine days in a row.  How much education and work experience do you need to figure that out?  And 2)  What a twist --- the TEACHERS playing hooky! . . . I called the Disney Company to see if they would open a new Disney World in my name now that I'm a famous columnist; requesting that it have a mountain with my face carved on it.  I am happy to report that, as always, This Column Gets Results!  The new site will be called Disney County and my face will be carved on Mt. Slushmore, along with Rob Ford, Marion Barry, and Anthony Weiner.  I asked if there would be other attractions.  Again, Results!  It will be called "Throw the Money into Walt's Mouth" . . . The first day of Hanukah and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year, so happy holiday.  Won't be able to wish you that for another 70,000 years, which I will do.  How, you ask?  Me and my buddy Dr. Bob were hanging out at work one day, debating who was right about everything (he is).  The subject of death came up.  "I'm not going," he posited.  "Howzzat?" I inquired.  "Somebody has to be first," he said.  "Why not me?"  Made sense, so I asked him if I could join the club, and we shook on it.  Are we right?  You'll have to wait 70,000 years to find out . . . Was TV surfing t'other day when I ran across an ad for special glasses that enabled the wearer to see clearly in the dark and in fog.  Regular price?  $439.99.  Our price --- Ten Bucks.  BUT WAIT!  Call in the next ten minutes (says the ad that will run six times a day for the next month) and we'll throw in a second pair for free!  Don't know about you, but I'm no dummy.  I'm calling every ten minutes until I run out of money.  Then I can resell them for $439.98 . . . How come he never runs any feelgood stuff?  I thought it was great when Batkid Miles Scott rescued Ess Eff a couple of weeks ago from the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin (I didn't know penguins lived here).  A gazillion folks turned out to honor him, Mayor Lee gave him a chocolate key to The City, and both papers ran special front pages in honor of the event.  Miles is currently in remission from leukemia and all of our thoughts go out to him.  I feel the same way about the youngster who got to run the fake touchdown during a Major League Football game.  Just goes to show how good hearted the human race can be if given a chance.

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RADIO PERSONALITY DAMON BRUCE has returned from an all-too-brief suspension for a rant suggesting women and "sensitive men" (what could that possibly mean?) were destroying football.  I'll be a little less sensitive about football when I don't hear as much about concussions and broken bones.  Football more and more resembles the lions and the gladiators, except the lions didn't injure their prey;  they ATE them.  As for you, Damon, may I recommend a career path more compatible with your skills, like mopping prison cell floors --- at minimum wage, since that's the least we can legally pay you.  In short, Mr. Bruce, I think your views are booring (alright, I admit, I put this item here in a shameless attempt to garner female fans.  Stay with me.  They make up 51% of the species, meaning my chances of attracting same are 8 million to one.  How can I lose?) . . . Venezuela's leftist government has seized control of a toilet paper factory in an effort to end the nation's ongoing TP shortage.  The govt. asserted toilet paper is an "essential commodity."  I'd have to agree with that.  The salient question, however, is what would a right-wing government do?  Easy.  Threaten to withhold the toilet paper unless govt. health care was defunded.

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JUST ASKING:  What do you think Thanksgiving dinner was like at the Cheney household?  Did the Clintons and Obamas dine together? . . . Homage to George Carlin:  Why is it called chicken fried steak?  It contains neither chicken nor steak . . . Don't you love getting multi-page stuff in the mail where one or two pages say "This page intentionally left blank"?  If it's intentionally blank, why is there writing on it? . . . And how about prescription drug commercials.  The first ten seconds:  END IMPOTENCE! CURE CHOLESTEROL!  GOODBYE TO ALL ACHES AND PAINS!  SO LONG TO COLDS AND FLU!  Then fifty seconds of side effects:  Drowsiness, dizziness, meningitis, heroin withdrawal, prostate, breast, brain and pancreatic cancers, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, the yaws, and then you'll die.  But in the meantime, AVOID ALCOHOL!!!  I'm going face down in a barrel of Jim Beam (I prefer Black Label) so I can drink --- uh, I mean THINK this over.

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ACCORDING TO MICHAEL DELL:  "If you're the smartest person in the room, find another room."

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That old Black Magic has me in its spell,

That old Black Magic that I know so well.

In a spin, lovin' that spin I'm in

Lovin' that old Black Magic called willschneider7648@gmail.com