A Little Family History
A number of readers have asked me about my family lineage. It is colorful indeed. There was my great uncle Waldo, an inventor. He came up with a soft drink he felt couldn’t miss. Called it Dr. Salt. So near and yet so far . . . My dad’s second cousin Norman became a doctor, specializing in Diseases of the Wealthy. Died a happy man. Left a substantial estate, too.
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No family history would be complete without my dad. Pop had a unique talent with fire; as in how to unexpectedly cause same. One year shortly after Christmas, we were going over to see my grandfolks. Mom had long since stripped the tree of ornaments and lights. Dad’s job was to burn it. He kept putting it off. Finally mom instructed him to take care of the tree before we came to The City. Back then, there was no bowl of water to set the tree in and keep it somewhat moist. The proper method of disposal was to cut the tree into very small pieces and slowly feed it into the fireplace. But dad was under pressure. He took the entire dry-as-a-bone seven foot tree, shoved it into said area, and struck a match. Flames shot out of the chimney. The entire neighborhood came out to watch . . . When I was a teenager dad was set to barbeque some steaks on the back patio. We didn’t have the fancy self-starting BBQs that exist today. You put in the charcoal, doused it with charcoal fluid, and struck matches until it eventually lit. Patience was not one of Pop’s strong suits. He gave the method what he felt was a reasonable amount of time, then went to the garage, fetched some kerosene, doused the coals liberally with it, and struck a match from two feet away. Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light, followed by a loud yelp, followed by Pop running into the family room, his eyebrows and hair burned off and face blackened. It was Macaroni & Cheese for dinner that night.
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Finally there’s me. I used to fancy myself a songwriter. I produced one I was certain would go straight to the top of the charts. Called it “Mack The Fork”. As Don Adams used to say on “Get Smart”, his thumb and index fingers held about a millimeter apart, “Missed it by that much”.
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One More Thing: W.C. Fields on his family lore: “My ninth cousin twice removed, Benjamin C. Fields, would have discovered electricity before Mr. Franklin, but he was too poor to buy a kite. He had to go out and hire one. We have a picture of him in front of the town saloon. He was hirin’ a kite.
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