Schnide Remarks
by Will Schneider
Out of My Mind
BUSTED AGAIN: O.J. Simpson has gotten a few demotion points --- he was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. See, he's gotten tired of searching for Nicole's real killer on America's major golf courses and is now conducting said search in various prison facilities, which makes a lot of sense. The real killer is obviously a criminal; what better place to look? So how did Mr. Simpson get caught? Did he leave a trail of cookie crumbs? Also, have you seen pictures of him? He's put on a lot of weight. Maybe even more since he stole the cookies. Perhaps his defense should be "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit" . . . When lawyers first got together, they were going to refer to divorce as "all the money". But more understated voices were heard and it was changed to "alimony" . . . Bob Dole was on TV a month or so ago. He was asked what he thought of the current Republican Party. He said a sign should be hung on the door saying "Closed for Repairs." Now it's time to hang a sign on Govt's door saying "Closed due to childlike behavior." Pretty soon we may need another sign saying "Sorry but we can't pay the bills we've run up." Always works for me when I'm late with the rent . . . An Indiana couple heard an animal prowling around their back yard and shot it. Turns out it was an African Leopard. State officials said the big cat was probably an escaped pet, since leopards are "not native to Indiana". I guess this statement should be filed under irony . . . Now we're in Iowa, where a woman was arrested for allegedly posting an ad on Craigslist offering $10,000 to anyone who would kill her father. "Usually this is something that takes place in a seedy bar," said police Capt. Bob Lynn. "Who uses Craigslist?" I would think his first investigative stop should be www.craigslist/Iowa women attempting to murder their fathers. No charge for the advice --- yr. welcome.
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IN THE WIDE WORLD of entertainment, Jennifer Lopez has been taken to the woodshed by her mother, Guadalupe. She apparently gave a performance in Britain, wearing a skimpy dominatrix outfit. Guadalupe berated her 43 year-old daughter for acting like an "oversexed teenager." I say strut your stuff, JLo! I would invite her to perform for me but I suspect my invitation would not only be firmly rejected, but probably with a bunch of legal documentation attached. I couldn't act like an oversexed teenager when I WAS one, and the years have not been kind. In my defense, I'd just say "I may be chained to the porch but I can still bark at the cars." I've also been told that Ms. Lopez has been married and divorced 3 times and is about to enter #4, with a guy half her age. Whassup with that? I sense a slow learning curve here. Look, JLo and whoever, after a few weeks you've seen the merchandise. Ever given much thought to attracting spouses with your mind and your heart, as opposed to your looks and your money? Or, as Judge Judy has famously said: "Looks fade; dumb is forever." Guadalupe, a slightly different take on what's important in life may be in order when advising your daughter . . . The Mailbag: Reader and best friend Saunders alerts me to an abuse of the language. A couple of columns ago I used the phrase "which I won't bore you with." This is shoddy grammar, sez Saunders. To be unshoddy, I should have said "with which I won't bore you." Duly noted, sir. Saunders had other observations about the column, which I won't bore you with . . . And yet another reader, one Chris Buck, reports: "Your column goes great with coffee." Chris doesn't drink coffee.
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HAD A HARD TIME trying to decide on what to rant about this time. The Government nonsense is too easy a target, plus just thinking about it makes my brain hurt. A conversation with my Pal Al jogged me. First, about this guy who walked into the D.C. armed services facility and blew away a dozen or so people --- with a shotgun! He had a special security clearance to enter the place. He also had a criminal record and documented psychological problems. On top of that, there's the surveillance video showing him looking into room after room for folks to shoot --- one at a time, because that's the only way a shotgun works. Even Wayne LaUnaware wouldn't have an argument in favor of the gunman. Why did a convicted felon with a history of psychological problems have a security clearance in the first place? Who was watching the security camera other than the camera aimed at the security camera? What Edward Snowden revealed was unsettling. I draw little reassurance in the knowledge that even though the government can spy on us, it does such a crappy job of it. As to Mr. LaPierre's remark that "The only thing that can stop a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun", try telling that to the folks in New Town. An underarmed security guard there would have only resulted in one more death . . . Then there's Silk Road, a website you needn't bother checking out because it's been closed. It was set up by a fellow named Ross Ulbricht, a pleasant-looking 29 year-old gentleman just trying to make a few bucks. You could get a rehearsal CD for Fleetwood Macs' Tusk album --- only $6.10! Well, that's not a lot of dough, so he expanded his horizons to include pot and psychedelics. Then he added prescription drugs, heroin, meth, opium, uppers, downers, whoopers, laughers --- you name it. He ran into problems with some clients so he advertised to get them killed. He got an offer for "$150,000 to $300,000, depending on whether you want it clean or unclean." Ross rejected this offer, saying he'd gotten a clean hit for $80,000. At this point even the FBI started to pay attention. They began by making 100 purchases of illicit drugs (one wasn't enough? And don't forget this is what the FBI, that wonderful paragon of transparency, is admitting to). Anyway after a million transactions and 2 1/2 years the FBI was able to bust --- a website!
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FROM RICHARD BRANSON, an expert in such things: "It's easy to become a millionaire --- start out as a billionaire and buy an airline."
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Because something is happening here
but you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. willschneider7648@gmail.com
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