Oct. 28, 2013

Barack Obama:  A Modest Assessment

THE GOVERNMENT CRISIS has been settled, mostly because of President Obama's resolve.  When he said after the 2012 elections that he was through negotiating with the Republicans about continuing resolutions and debt ceilings, he meant it.  Now he has more than three years to hone his leadership skills, which I believe he needs to concentrate on in order to seal his legacy.

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AND AN IMPRESSIVE legacy it is.  We finally have national health care.  Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to give thought to it, over 100 years ago.  When FDR hired Frances Perkins to be his Secretary of Labor in 1933 he asked her what her goals were.  "Unemployment Insurance, Social Security, and National Health Care," she replied.  Every Democrat and one Republican since Truman has endorsed it.  It represents the logical conclusion of the New Deal and Great Society programs.  After forty years of being in the woodshed (due at least partially to foolish behavior on our part)  we have a progressive in the White House.  To all of you armchair liberals who do nothing but whine about what he hasn't done, I would ask you to name the last president who came this close to looking out for the causes you're interested in.  On social issues, he's been right on the money.  Why do we continue our two-century-plus discrimination practices?  The White House was built by the Irish (and the blacks;  but we imported them).  My family came from Germany and Italy.  After they finished their stints on garden paradises such as Ellis and Angel Islands (where they could see the beauty of America but not participate) we generously allowed them to live in tenements.  My grandpa, a first generation American, was a butcher --- six days a week, twelve or fourteen hours a day.  The current flavor is anything hispanic, but especially from Mexico.  For the first time in our country's history, we've actually built up a wall to keep them out.  And what kind of work do they do?  Mostly they pick crops.  And who are the Communists that hire them?  Uh --- that would be huge agribusiness conglomerates, since the family farm is mostly a nostalgic memory.  Credit where it's due, President Bush was at least somewhat benign on this.  And Mr. Obama could be doing better, but at least he's responding to some pretty odious forces by making an effort.  There are way too many guns and gun violence in this country, probably more than the next five countries combined.  Couldn't we at least come to a mutual agreement that it's way past time to at least have a civil discussion about this?  Certainly we can agree with the NRA's assertion that mental health issues need to be addressed.  And certainly we ought to be able to agree that nobody except the military needs assault rifles.  Barack Obama is the first President to talk seriously about this since Lyndon Johnson.  The second amendment is the only one that talks about a piece of machinery (we may be the only country in the world to have something like this;  I've never heard otherwise).  Machinery is bound to change over the years.  What if the second commandment said "Thou Shalt Exercise Thy Divine Right To Posses a Well-Regulated Set of Wheels"?  Drones have wheels.  Maybe Donald Trump would be the only person who could afford one, which he could use to drop all of his birther documentation into the middle of the Pacific, along with the drone.  This is the first President to openly embrace LBGT issues and gay marriage.  Why are we even talking about this?  Perhaps I've lived in Ess Eff too long, but this one's as obvious as Liberace.  Those of you who don't get this, no disrespect intended, need to take a crowbar and pry open your minds.  Why are we still treating Blacks so badly?  What if Trayvon Martin had been of age, armed, and had shot the white-skinned neighborhood watch guy?  What do you think the jury would have ruled then?  "If your answer to that question is at least ambiguous, then we have something to talk about" --- Barack Obama.  Why, forty years after Roe v. Wade, are a woman's right to make decisions about her body even up for discussion?  The President has been front and center about that, as well as the depressing wage inequality between the genders.  What about the elderly?  The President's current position is he's non-negotiable on Social Security and Medicare benefits, and the Republicans have gone strangely silent about this lately.  On the economy, we are crawling back --- just like we did in the thirties.  The Roaring Twenties lasted about 8 years --- it took all of the thirties to get back.  The last economic pigfest lasted a quarter century --- this is going to take time, particularly if the Republicans, without offering any alternatives, continue to automatically reject every job and economic plan Obama proposes.  And lest we forget, he nailed Bin Ladin.  Some wisenheimers say Bush laid all the groundwork for this.  That's not unlike saying Calvin Coolidge was responsible for the Great Depression.  History ain't gonna see it that way.  Bin Ladin orchestrated 9/11 as surely as Tojo planned Pearl Harbor.  Both of them deserve to be dead.  To those who would correctly assert that much of what the President talks about is still little more than a dream, we've had dreamers before --- Kennedy, King, Lennon.  We'll see where Barak Obama fits in.

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HAS THE PRESIDENT disappointed me?  You bet.  Why are we still in Afghanistan?  Why did it take us so long to get out of Iraq?  Those places are no less a train wreck than they were in 2009.  Why do we still have troops in Germany and Japan nearly 70 years after the end of WWII?  How about Korea (1953), the Philippines and Cuba (Spanish-American War, 1898) and damn near every other country on the planet except Vietnam, which kicked our sorry asses out?  Talk about entitlements!  It would seem like the Dept. of Defense considers itself a birthright.  Way past time for this to change.  To discuss the entire issue of transparency is a column in itself, so I will try and keep my comments brief.  What Mr. Snowden and the Wikileaks guy offered are the tip of the iceberg.  We were promised the most transparent administration ever.  Right.  That would be like Richard Nixon asserting his term would be the most scandal-free in history.  The President has been embarrassingly behind the curve on every issue that's come up, being forced to 'fess up on all  matters only after the media has outed him.  At least once he gets caught, he belatedly tells the truth.  But it begs the question:  What aren't we being told?  The leader of Brazil cancelled a state visit because she found out we'd been monitoring her cell-phone.  Then the leaders of France and Germany made it clear that they were more than a little annoyed by the same behavior.  Shouldn't these revelations have been preceded by an Obamacall of abject, groveling apology for this inexcusable violation of their human dignity?  While he's at it, he should call the call every leader of every country on Earth, even Kim Sick Un, and do the same.  After that, get a few local phone books and start making random calls.  We spent nearly $11 BILLION on the NSA last year.  Looking for an easy budget cut, Mr. Prez?  They couldn't discover the human sewage responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings, nor the whack job that killed a few cops and then holed up in a cabin near L.A. and destroyed a perfectly useful piece of property, or the derango that walked into a D.C. military facility and blew away a dozen people --- just to name a very few?  The word inefficient called --- it wants its reputation back.  How about wasting the money on a $5 per hour raise for everybody making less than $20 an hour?  Finally, where do you stand on corporate welfare?  I don't know if you'll get around to this, but you could try and lay some groundwork.

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AND HOW HAS he been treated by his opponents?  Like he doesn't really belong in the White House because, let's face it, he's not like a normal American.  What other President has felt compelled to release his birth certificate?  Congress' little feelings are hurt because he doesn't schmooze enough with them.  How 80s!  Has it ever occurred to these folks that instead of going out and eating and drinking too much, wotinevvin's name is wrong with spending time with your family, especially when your kids are at such critical ages?  I don't hear much about their families.  Well no, that isn't exactly right.  A Republican congressman has come out in favor of gay marriage after his 20 or 21 year old son outed himself.  I don't think the Obamas would find out at that late date.  This is the best family we've had in the White House since the Kennedys.  What really roasted my cookies was when Sen. Mitch McConnell said, after the 2010 midterms that his objective was "to make certain Barack Obama is a one-term President."  Nothing about jobs, the economy, the deficit.  NOTHING.  The President tried to negotiate with them.  It led to one near government showdown, one real govt. shutdown ($24 billion, thank you Taze Party) two near defaults, and countless wastes of taxpayer time and money trying to void the Affordable Care Act.  Do the Republicans ever plan to tell us what they're for?

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TIME TO BRING this questionable effort full circle, or perhaps more of a parallelogram.  I believe in this President.  I believe in his ability to lead.  He still has over three years.  If my (don't forget that word modest) assessments are anywhere near the ballpark, I suspect we'll be finding out pretty soon.

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We hold these truths to be self evident:  That all men(?) are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of willschneider7648@gmail.com

Oct 15, 2013

A Mind is a Terrible Thing

FIRST UP TODAY is my acquaintance Miriam.  My best friend Saunders and me were hanging around Chez Schnide t'other day when she walked in and asked me what I was up to.  "I'm working on my blog," sez moi.  "Ooohh!" she gushed.  "A blog!  How do I get my name in it?"  Let's pause here for a reality check.  This is being read by more than two dozen people.  Pity th' fool who mess with my powers!  We could move into desperation on her part here, but instead I'll go to flattery.  Miriam is the first person who has ASKED to have her name inserted.  I'll take whatever I can get, and with gratitude.  "I dunno, I replied --- tell me a joke." Miriam ejects "How can you face your problem if your problem is your face?"  Saunders and me let out giant belly laughs, and I mean not the patronizing kind.  After miss M left, we tried to figure out why.  Neither of us understood the joke.  We agreed it had been a surprise.  Perhaps it was like the joke about the roof --- over our heads.  Maybe one needs an IQ of something like 250…million.  If any of you get it, please let me know.  At any rate, thanks for the item, Miriam . . . Over to Florida, where the Schmitt family --- Rick, his lovely wife Lisa, and their beautiful children Hillary and Eric, have discovered gold after a 13-year search.  They found it on an old Spanish shipwreck.  It's worth $350,000.  So far so good, eh?  Not so fast.  Most of the findings will go to the state and the company that owns the diving site.  But that's all fine with Lisa, who said "The greatest treasure is time with the family."  Huh?  Underwater, swimming around in a shipwreck?  How about hanging together off the top of a skyscraper?  At least you could talk to each other.  Whatever happened to a picnic at the beach?

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MOSES DROPPED DOWN from the mountaintop with a spacial tablet for Teahadist Ted Cruz and his nut job followers.  It said "Thou Shalt Know Without Enactment of a Law That Said Law Shalt Fail, And Thou Shalt Spare No Effort To Make Certain Such Law is Stillborn.  Oops --- Didn't Mean That.  Got My Priorities Mixed Up.  He Wants the Unborn to Live.  Once They Shalt Live, THAT'S When He Shalt Get Involved In Everything.  Don't Forget That Part."  That prompted The Devil to pop up from his hideaway in Upchuckistan with his response, available on Facebook and Twitter.  "Forget about the crap (the devil can talk like this) the Old Man says.  That law means I may not be getting ceased-to-be humans at the rate I'm used to.  Plus donations and favors from the Insurance, Legal and Pharmecutical companies might dry up.  Go ahead and vote down the law;  just do it for the proper reasons."  As I write this, our govt. problems have not been solved.  Let no one forget exactly who started this.  The whole idea was to shut down the government unless congress would defund the Affordable Care Act, which many of our less educated congresspeople continue to refer to as a bill.  We should provide all these folks with a simple book titled "How A Bill Becomes A Law", kind of like we got in grade school.  Lots of color pictures so they'll pay attention, but here's the Schnide Notes:  The House of Representatives approves the money, the Senate agrees, the President signs off and voila --- it's a law!  I've never in my life witnessed such a collection of sore losers.  I think they came to Congress in 2011 to shut the govt. down.  They almost succeeded once.  Now they have and guess what --- they've upped the ante and suddenly, people don't like them!  I will be disappointed in the President if he negotiates anything with these folks until they drop all objections to Obamacare.  Have you noticed the Republicans are suddenly not talking about the Affordable Care Act?  Don't be fooled . . . I fear I'm over-ranting, so I'll end the paragraph with a nice, pleasant joke that will dovetail with the theme of said rant, since Congress is so full of lawyers.  A pleasure boat is out on the bay.  They encounter a big wave, and two guests are thrown overboard;  one a lawyer.  A shark immediately shows up, grabs the lawyer and carries him to safety.  The astonished folks on the boat say "That's amazing!  How did you do such a thing --- and why the lawyer?"  "Professional courtesy," sez the shark.

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THIS WEEKS LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS award goes to William Freis of Nebraska.  He's suing Walmart for killing his wife.  The crime?  These underworked and overpaid employees overloaded a single plastic bag with two 42-oz. cans of La Choy and a 2-pound bag of rice.  His wife, Lynette, dropped said package on her foot.  Her toe got infected and she died.  What the --- ?  As much as I dislike Walmart, I think we're talking an easy money scam here.  In Nebraska, there are these people called doctors.  Before the toe becomes infected, the doctor can apply some disinfectant and a band-aid.  Should that not work, antibiotics would be in order.  Ain't no reason on God's Green Earth anybody oughta die from this.  So here's Judge Willie's settlement:  A lifetime supply of plastic bags to Mr. Freis and a $2-an-hour raise to Walmart employees on GPs.

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FROM AMBROSE BIERCE:  "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

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When you're weary, feeling small;

when tears are in your eyes I will dry willschneider7648@gmail.com

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

What's in a Name?

OH MY, DO WE ever get excited about things in these parts.  Right now we're in a huge kerfuffle about our brand spanking new Bay Bridge.  Thepowers that be have deigned it be named after Willie Brown, our former Mayor.  Problem is, this only refers to the western span, opened in 1936.  It already has a name --- The Bay Bridge.  Howesomever, the approach deserves its own name.  Remember what a mess that was, for over ten years?  The Hindenburg had less design flaws than that monstrosity.  The entrances and egresses, designed in the early 30s and again twenty years later, were inadequate to begin with and have not aged well.  The redesigning gets one on and off the bridge without the curves that required you to slow to 10mph.  But once you approach or get off --- OHMYGOLLYGORKINS!  We could hang several signs over these streets to read while you're sexting. "This approach/egress brought to you by 80 years of poor city planning" --- it would be unfair to blame Willie for this.  The Oakland Toll Plaza, on the other hand, merits special attention.  It's a nice, wide structure that spans the plaza (ha! --- a span without backups, unless maybe you're a pigeon) and thus could accommodate a lot of words:  This Plaza and the 2.2 miles that follow brought to you via the egomania of Jerry and Willie Brown, plus the inexcusable delays provided by the Calif. Dept. of Highways, resulting in delays/cost overruns of $Gazzillion.  Toll in 1989:  $1.  Today:  $5-$6.  There would even be room for a sculpture.  I suggest a large right hand, middle finger appropriately extended.  And what about the cracking bolts we all read about that almost delayed the opening?  No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control.  Did you know that ifthe bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30 million bonus?  Just reporting.

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THE AVERAGE HEAD contains 250,000 hairs, give or take.  Redheads, a few more.  Blondes, a few less.  Am supplying this data to assist you in following the old Delphic Oracle's excellent advice:  "Know Thyself" . . . There's a small town, population 24, in North Dakota.  A fellow named Paul Cobb is buying up available land there, hoping to turn it into a haven for white supremacists.  He doesn't sound like a very nice man, but that isn't the story.  He's wanted in Canada on charges of promoting hatred.  What kind of law is this?  I hate frozen vegetables.  Does that make me persona non grata north of the border?  Also this town has a mayor by the name of Ryan Schock.  With a name like that, shouldn't we expect big things of him?  How about a drone attack on Bismarck?  Perhapshe could drop Paul Cobb from one . . . My Pal Al sez my column reads like it was written by a speed freak.  Sorryalilltryandslowthingsdownabitjustforyou . . . Al is also thinking about taking a cruise on his next vacation;  he isn't sure where but he is sure about one thing:  it won't be on Carnival.  "Those ship captains would have trouble finding land if they were skydiving," he asserts.

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A VERY POOR way of getting revenge:  A 64-year-old Canadian fellow decided to express his displeasure toward his estranged wife by dumpingheaps of manure into her outdoor hot tub.  He then made an unsuccessful getaway attempt, using his tractor.  "It was a low-speed chase," said the arresting officer --- "about 12.5 mph" . . . Senator Marco Rubio, the guy who exposed his drinking problem during the Republican response to the President's State of the Union speech, is in a spot of trouble with his fellow Republicans' over his too-liberal immigration stance, has responded by endorsing the idea of refusing to allow the govt. to pay its bills unless Congress votes to defund the Affordable Care Act.  Memo to the Tease Party --- The bill has been passed, signed, and upheld by the Supremes.  It isn't going anywhere before 2017, and it's Mr. Obama's legacy.  With the way things have been going for the President lately, he's likely hang onto it with both hands.  Plus, if it's such a bad idea, won't we know by then? . . . This also gets on my radar --- Immigration Reform.  The Democrats and gang of eight passed one thru the Senate.  The reps refused to sign onto it unless it was agreed that we'd add several hundred miles of fence and hire a thousand extra border guards.  And you thought the Democrats were the ones who always wanted extra spending!  As usual, it's up to me to step in with the obvious solution.  Why don't we sow a band of Nuclear Waste from the Rio Grande to San Diego?  We could get it from Nevada's Yucca Mountains --- that's two Senate votes already! --- and have Shell Oil transport it (so maybe they spill a bit; it's just a bunch of desert full of slithery, crawly things).  Once in place, it would require no maintenance or upkeep.  Don't pester me with silly objections about the out-of-control wildfire/dangerous-to-breathe air side effects --- that's what we have Senate committees for (although if my plan works, we may not have to worry about them, either --- yet another plus!).  Of course, we may have to say goodbye to a few cities;  Albuquerque, El Paso, San Diego, Sacramento and portions of Calgary, but what's up there anyway?  A bunch of flakes and commies.  Just an idea --- Yr. welcome.

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FROM MARK TWAIN:  "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

Oct. 5,2013

Schnide Remarks 

by Will Schneider

Out of My Mind

BUSTED AGAIN:  O.J. Simpson has gotten a few demotion points --- he was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria.  See, he's gotten tired of searching for Nicole's real killer on America's major golf courses and is now conducting said search in various prison facilities, which makes a lot of sense.  The real killer is obviously a criminal;  what better place to look?  So how did Mr. Simpson get caught?  Did he leave a trail of cookie crumbs?  Also, have you seen pictures of him?  He's put on a lot of weight.  Maybe even more since he stole the cookies.  Perhaps his defense should be "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit" . . . When lawyers first got together, they were going to refer to divorce as "all the money".  But more understated voices were heard and it was changed to "alimony" . . . Bob Dole was on TV a month or so ago.  He was asked what he thought of the current Republican Party.  He said a sign should be hung on the door saying "Closed for Repairs."  Now it's time to hang a sign on Govt's door saying "Closed due to childlike behavior."  Pretty soon we may need another sign saying "Sorry but we can't pay the bills we've run up."  Always works for me when I'm late with the rent . . . An Indiana couple heard an animal prowling around their back yard and shot it.  Turns out it was an African Leopard.  State officials said the big cat was probably an escaped pet, since leopards are "not native to Indiana".  I guess this statement should be filed under irony . . . Now we're in Iowa, where a woman was arrested for allegedly posting an ad on Craigslist offering $10,000 to anyone who would kill her father.  "Usually this is something that takes place in a seedy bar," said police Capt. Bob Lynn.  "Who uses Craigslist?"  I would think his first investigative stop should be www.craigslist/Iowa women attempting to murder their fathers.  No charge for the advice --- yr. welcome.

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IN THE WIDE WORLD of entertainment, Jennifer Lopez has been taken to the woodshed by her mother, Guadalupe.  She apparently gave a performance in Britain, wearing a skimpy dominatrix outfit.  Guadalupe berated her 43 year-old daughter for acting like an "oversexed teenager."  I say strut your stuff, JLo!  I would invite her to perform for me but I suspect my invitation would not only be firmly rejected, but probably with a bunch of legal documentation attached.  I couldn't act like an oversexed teenager when I WAS one, and the years have not been kind.  In my defense, I'd just say "I may be chained to the porch but I can still bark at the cars."  I've also been told that Ms. Lopez has been married and divorced 3 times and is about to enter #4, with a guy half her age.  Whassup with that?  I sense a slow learning curve here.  Look, JLo and whoever, after a few weeks you've seen the merchandise.  Ever given much thought to attracting spouses with your mind and your heart, as opposed to your looks and your money?  Or, as Judge Judy has famously said:  "Looks fade; dumb is forever." Guadalupe, a slightly different take on what's important in life may be in order when advising your daughter . . . The Mailbag:  Reader and best friend Saunders alerts me to an abuse of the language.  A couple of columns ago I used the phrase "which I won't bore you with."  This is shoddy grammar, sez Saunders.  To be unshoddy, I should have said "with which I won't bore you."  Duly noted, sir.  Saunders had other observations about the column, which I won't bore you with . . . And yet another reader, one Chris Buck, reports:  "Your column goes great with coffee."  Chris doesn't drink coffee.

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HAD A HARD TIME trying to decide on what to rant about this time.  The Government nonsense is too easy a target, plus just thinking about it makes my brain hurt.  A conversation with my Pal Al jogged me.  First, about this guy who walked into the D.C. armed services facility and blew away a dozen or so people --- with a shotgun!  He had a special security clearance to enter the place.  He also had a criminal record and documented psychological problems.  On top of that, there's the surveillance video showing him looking into room after room for folks to shoot --- one at a time, because that's the only way a shotgun works.  Even Wayne LaUnaware wouldn't have an argument in favor of the gunman.  Why did a convicted felon with a history of psychological problems have a security clearance in the first place?  Who was watching the security camera other than the camera aimed at the security camera?  What Edward Snowden revealed was unsettling.  I draw little reassurance in the knowledge that even though the government can spy on us, it does such a crappy job of it.  As to Mr. LaPierre's remark that "The only thing that can stop a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun", try telling that to the folks in New Town.  An underarmed security guard there would have only resulted in one more death . . . Then there's Silk Road, a website you needn't bother checking out because it's been closed.  It was set up by a fellow named Ross Ulbricht, a pleasant-looking 29 year-old gentleman just trying to make a few bucks.  You could get a rehearsal CD for Fleetwood Macs' Tusk album --- only $6.10!  Well, that's not a lot of dough, so he expanded his horizons to include pot and psychedelics.  Then he added prescription drugs, heroin, meth, opium, uppers, downers, whoopers, laughers --- you name it.  He ran into problems with some clients so he advertised to get them killed.  He got an offer for "$150,000 to $300,000, depending on whether you want it clean or unclean." Ross rejected this offer, saying he'd gotten a clean hit for $80,000.  At this point even the FBI started to pay attention.  They began by making 100 purchases of illicit drugs (one wasn't enough?  And don't forget this is what the FBI, that wonderful paragon of transparency, is admitting to).  Anyway after a million transactions and 2 1/2 years the FBI was able to bust --- a website!

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FROM RICHARD BRANSON, an expert in such things:  "It's easy to become a millionaire --- start out as a billionaire and buy an airline."

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Because something is happening here

but you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. willschneider7648@gmail.com