a12/25/13

Merry Merry Merry

and Happy Happy Happy

I'M GOING TO TAKE the holiday off.  But as Ahnold Schwarzenhiesenblackenblueuntchessesenburger sez, "Ah be bak."  See you after the first.

A SCHNEIDER FAMILY TRADITION:

Merry Christmas,

Happy New Year.

Hope your refrigerator

Is full of beer.

War is over (if we want it)

Peas on earth;

Goodwill to everyone.

All Best,

Schnide

12/20/13

Help Me Combobulate

BREAKING NEWS:  Russia and Canada are both claiming territorial rights over the North Pole (currently occupied by ice).  Something about mineral and oil deposits, but that isn't the point.  Now it looks like we're in for a REAL Cold War . . . And MORE breaking news:  We have a budget for the first time since 2009!  There's something for everybody here --- if you live on Krypton.  If you live in America, however, all this budget does is kick every can in the country down the road.  This crowd in D.C. is the biggest collection of gutless wonders I've ever witnessed.  I'd say hats off for finally getting it done, but my gut tells me heads off would be more appropriate . . . Always turn to S.R. for the latest --- when news breaks, This Column Repairs It! . . . Item-Type-Item:  An Oakland resident named Alicia Dattner is performing a one-woman show called "The Oy of Sex."  Don't know anything about it;  I just like the title.  Want to check it out?  It's at the Marsh Theater on Valencia . . . Just Asking:  Why are earthlings the only ones allowed to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant? . . . Same with the World Series.  Howcum only two countries? . . . 86% of Americans wear seat belts.  About half of law enforcement officers don't, according to the California Commission on Peace Officer Standards.  And traffic fatalities are the leading cause of death among these folks.  Don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a solution in search of a problem . . . Most nations got together to sign a treaty calling for world reduction in distribution of firearms.  The U.S. was prepared to sign, but the NRA objected, saying it would interfere with our second amendment right to arm bears.

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SARAH PALIN has asserted that Pope Francis is (gasp!) a liberal.  Rush Limbaugh has called him a Marxist.  Some folks confuse these media celebrities with actual journalists.  These people are known as idiots.  But enough about reality.  The Pope says that if he met a gay person, he'd be happy to worship with them.  "Who am I to judge?" he asked.  You're the ****ing Pope, for Chrissakes!  What the hell else do you guys do?  Uh --- sorry about the inappropriate wording.  He also has said the church should not be quite so worked up about worldly issues, like all the other Popes lately have seemed to be.  He often leaves the Vatican and goes to poor parts of town to minister to the less fortunate.  He's even washed the feet of Muslims!  When he was a Cardinal, he eschewed the fancy out-of-town estate, living in an apartment downtown, preparing his own food, and, if I'm not mistaken, taking public transportation to his modest office.  If Sarah and Rush are upset with this Pope, they ought to get a load of what Jesus has been saying.  I think he's potentially the best since John XXIII . . . How about the phony who did the signing for the deaf at Nelson Mandela's funeral (speaking of Saints)?  Apparently it was total gibberish.  I want to know what test he had to pass to get the gig.  Finally, a job I could do! . . . Did you notice that Benji Netenyahoo wasn't at Mandela's ceremonies?  He's becoming isolated from the rest of the world, partly because of his increasingly hard line stances and exacerbated by some financial scandals.  He's fond of expensive cigars and cognac, which I don't think he buys with pocket change.  He has charged the govt. for $1700 in scented candles and $22,000 for a water bill at his vacation home.  As for his foreign views, let's accept that Iran would prefer Israel cease to exist.  Two points:  R) Iran would not be making this offer so they could vaporize Israel, and 4) Israel is perfectly capable of vaporizing the entire Middle East.  Time to step down, Benjamin, and let adults get this process going.  It takes both sides to negotiate.  All of this couldn't happen to a more deserving fellow.

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FORMER VEEP DICK CHENEY was roasted at a gathering of Bush administration allies, with waterboarding jokes dominating the evening.  It was "a very sentimental night", said one attendee.  No word on how Mr. Cheney felt about it . . . The Golden Gate National Recreation Area wants to delay a decision on the various proposals near the Crissy Field marsh area.  This is good thinking, since all of the designs SUCK.  The site is currently occupied by a Sports Basement store, which would be fine if it were actually underground . . . Representative Michele Bachman resurfaced on a talk radio show to say, among other witticisms, "we are in God's end times", and adding "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand."  For her sake I hope so.  That attitude would have made her a real forward-looking President . . . An Oklahoma man was charged with burglary after police matched his DNA to used toilet paper at the scene of the crime.  Police said Charles Williams used a home's bathroom while burglarizing it, leaving a mess behind and allowing the cops to identify Williams from his droppings.  The whole affair prompted a neighbor to offer Williams the following advice:  "Flush!" . . . Riddle Me This:  Q. How do you make a pair of pants last?  A. Make the coat first!  Get it?  Make the coat first!  Har dee har har har (Relax, folks --- It's almost over).

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FROM FOUNDING FATHER and second President John Adams:  "One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three is a congress."

                ====================================

More than the greatest love the world has known,

This is the love I give to willschneider7648@gmail.com

12/09/13

Here He Goes Again

WHITHER THE REPUBLICANS?  They've now voted over 40 times to defund the Affordable Care Act.  I hate to sound like a broken DVD (no I don't), but I doubt this is much of an option now.  After all, when we had the hanging chad and butterfly ballot problem in 2000 (and Pat Buchanan said on national TV:  "Those votes in Palm Beach County weren't meant for me" --- now THERE was a national scandal), we didn't revert to monarchy.  The best they can hope for at this point is that the law implodes --- which, given the way things have been going for the President, just might happen.  I still think that once things get rolling, it will be popular.  Maybe they can start by trying to nullify the nuclear agreement with Iran --- I like it, so it must be a bad idea.  There are a few Republicans who are bringing up impeachment, but that won't work.  How can we impeach a President who wasn't born here?  But even some Dems, like Senator Whinestein, are on board as being squirrely about the Iran business.  Throw in the stuff that's already underway with Syria (too busy shutting down the govt. to jump on that one in time) and maybe they've got something.  We can of course count on Senator McCain, who would bomb Nebraska if he had an excuse.  I used to respect him when he was more of a maverick;  now he seems to be angling for History's Sorest Loser.  It's his own damn fault.  He ran a horribly negative campaign and picked a running mate that didn't made it thru her term as governor on her way to being a media celebrity (have to give Ms. Palin her props on that --- she knows how to stay in the public eye) . . . Polls indicate Obamacare is only popular with one in four Americans --- and that's just in the Obama family (one in five if the First Dog gets a vote).

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HAS IT BEEN cold lately or what?  It's been so cold that the Obamacare website literally froze up . . . It's been so cold that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had to smoke crack just to keep warm . . . But great snow!  I'll be up there in the fresh pow cutting the rails and shredding the liner.  Don't be telling ME I ain't one hep cat . . . Did you see 60 Minutes Sunday nite!?  Neither did I! . . . READER ALERT!   This column brought to you by Obamacare --- Turn your head and cough up savings! . . . San Diego Judge Patricia Cookson officiated a marriage between Danne Desbrow and his fiancé --- right after she sentenced the groom to 53 years in prison for murder . . . A group called the Sasquatch Genome Project unveiled a new video and DNA analysis that it insists proves Bigfoot is real.  "This is a serious study," said Melba Ketchum, genetic scientist.  You didn't really need to tell us that, Melba . . . Did you hear about the guy who fell asleep on a plane and didn't disembark?  Apparently the crew didn't notice he was there, left, and turned off the power and locked up the plane.  Fellow had to call 911 to get out.  Two questions and one observation:  2) How could the landing not have awakened him?  b) was he sleeping under the seat? and III) Do you smell a huge lawsuit? . . . Did You Know Dept.:  According to British newspaper The Guardian, the number of Americans killed in all wars since 1775 is 1.17 million.  Number of Americans killed by firearms (including suicides) since 1968:  1.38 million.  Just reporting . . . Speaking of the NSA (we were?) Ess Eff Chronicle columnists Matier & Ross have helpfully pointed out that German Chancellor Angela Markel's husband works at UC Berkeley.  Like M&R I am always happy to point out wiretap long-distance savings tips, even tho the NSA seems immune to Republican or Democrat efforts to do so.

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NEWS I'M PROUD TO REPORT:  Ess Eff's current unemployment is 5.6%, one of the lowest in the country.  Our minimum wage is $10.55, one of the highest in the country.  So Chamber of Commerce and NRA (National Restaurant Assn., not that other NRA), in response to your comments about businesses being driven away by the M.W., especially the small businesses you claim to care so much about (The City is about 80% small business), why don't you go piss up a rope? . . . Gratuitous joke for old-timers:  Today is Ed Sullivan's birthday!  Don't forget to wear a really big shoe . . . Gratuitous joke for yuppies:  Remember the Budweiser commercials featuring the promiscuous dog who was always surrounded by gorgeous women?  Ladies, I mean no offense (I know better than that) but wouldn't you have to be pretty desperate to date outside your species? . . . And now, a word from your local undertaker:  Are you bored with life?  High cholesterol?  Diabetic?  Overeater?  Drink too much?  Avoid exercise?  Keep it up . . . These Kids Today, with all their piercings, tattoos and buzz-cut hairstyles:  One phrase they use I really like:  "No worries."  Beats the hell out of the ones my generation came up with, like "farm out," "outtastate", and "right arm" . . . Why is America the only country with overweight poor people?  I'm glad we don't have the flies buzzing around the head thing going on here, but wouldn't your food stamps go farther if you were to go on a diet?  (Note: not a good joke for Tease Party types to tell.)

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NUGGET O' WISDOM, courtesy Meryl Streep:  "You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing."

               ================================

Hey Jude, don't make it bad;

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, Hey Jude, begin,

You're waiting for willschneider7648@gmail.com

12/02/13

Patter of a Tiny Brain

MY LAWYER JUST CALLED --- Seems my vanity has sued (I put that in there for my best friend Saunders, who is amused by such stuff) . . . Here's a twist:  432 Ess Eff teachers didn't show up for work the Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving.  See, they were already getting Wednesday and Friday off, and decided to make it a long weekend by adding Tuesday.  Two observations:  a) This doesn't speak well of our educational system.  I'm talking about the teachers, not the students.  If they'd taken Monday off, it would have made it nine days in a row.  How much education and work experience do you need to figure that out?  And 2)  What a twist --- the TEACHERS playing hooky! . . . I called the Disney Company to see if they would open a new Disney World in my name now that I'm a famous columnist; requesting that it have a mountain with my face carved on it.  I am happy to report that, as always, This Column Gets Results!  The new site will be called Disney County and my face will be carved on Mt. Slushmore, along with Rob Ford, Marion Barry, and Anthony Weiner.  I asked if there would be other attractions.  Again, Results!  It will be called "Throw the Money into Walt's Mouth" . . . The first day of Hanukah and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year, so happy holiday.  Won't be able to wish you that for another 70,000 years, which I will do.  How, you ask?  Me and my buddy Dr. Bob were hanging out at work one day, debating who was right about everything (he is).  The subject of death came up.  "I'm not going," he posited.  "Howzzat?" I inquired.  "Somebody has to be first," he said.  "Why not me?"  Made sense, so I asked him if I could join the club, and we shook on it.  Are we right?  You'll have to wait 70,000 years to find out . . . Was TV surfing t'other day when I ran across an ad for special glasses that enabled the wearer to see clearly in the dark and in fog.  Regular price?  $439.99.  Our price --- Ten Bucks.  BUT WAIT!  Call in the next ten minutes (says the ad that will run six times a day for the next month) and we'll throw in a second pair for free!  Don't know about you, but I'm no dummy.  I'm calling every ten minutes until I run out of money.  Then I can resell them for $439.98 . . . How come he never runs any feelgood stuff?  I thought it was great when Batkid Miles Scott rescued Ess Eff a couple of weeks ago from the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin (I didn't know penguins lived here).  A gazillion folks turned out to honor him, Mayor Lee gave him a chocolate key to The City, and both papers ran special front pages in honor of the event.  Miles is currently in remission from leukemia and all of our thoughts go out to him.  I feel the same way about the youngster who got to run the fake touchdown during a Major League Football game.  Just goes to show how good hearted the human race can be if given a chance.

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RADIO PERSONALITY DAMON BRUCE has returned from an all-too-brief suspension for a rant suggesting women and "sensitive men" (what could that possibly mean?) were destroying football.  I'll be a little less sensitive about football when I don't hear as much about concussions and broken bones.  Football more and more resembles the lions and the gladiators, except the lions didn't injure their prey;  they ATE them.  As for you, Damon, may I recommend a career path more compatible with your skills, like mopping prison cell floors --- at minimum wage, since that's the least we can legally pay you.  In short, Mr. Bruce, I think your views are booring (alright, I admit, I put this item here in a shameless attempt to garner female fans.  Stay with me.  They make up 51% of the species, meaning my chances of attracting same are 8 million to one.  How can I lose?) . . . Venezuela's leftist government has seized control of a toilet paper factory in an effort to end the nation's ongoing TP shortage.  The govt. asserted toilet paper is an "essential commodity."  I'd have to agree with that.  The salient question, however, is what would a right-wing government do?  Easy.  Threaten to withhold the toilet paper unless govt. health care was defunded.

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JUST ASKING:  What do you think Thanksgiving dinner was like at the Cheney household?  Did the Clintons and Obamas dine together? . . . Homage to George Carlin:  Why is it called chicken fried steak?  It contains neither chicken nor steak . . . Don't you love getting multi-page stuff in the mail where one or two pages say "This page intentionally left blank"?  If it's intentionally blank, why is there writing on it? . . . And how about prescription drug commercials.  The first ten seconds:  END IMPOTENCE! CURE CHOLESTEROL!  GOODBYE TO ALL ACHES AND PAINS!  SO LONG TO COLDS AND FLU!  Then fifty seconds of side effects:  Drowsiness, dizziness, meningitis, heroin withdrawal, prostate, breast, brain and pancreatic cancers, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, the yaws, and then you'll die.  But in the meantime, AVOID ALCOHOL!!!  I'm going face down in a barrel of Jim Beam (I prefer Black Label) so I can drink --- uh, I mean THINK this over.

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ACCORDING TO MICHAEL DELL:  "If you're the smartest person in the room, find another room."

                   ===============================

That old Black Magic has me in its spell,

That old Black Magic that I know so well.

In a spin, lovin' that spin I'm in

Lovin' that old Black Magic called willschneider7648@gmail.com

11/23/13

Graton-on-the-Rohnert

I HATE GAMBLING.  So when my less-than-nimble sensory perceptions started observing advertising for a new casino named Graton (coming soon, soon, soon --- whoops!  Here it is!) I was horrified.  Gambling has a habit of attracting the less savory elements of society, i.e.:  people like me.  What is the difference between gambling and working a regular job?  The odds are heavily stacked toward the house.  At least in business you're guaranteed a (tiny) portion of the profits.  Gamble and you almost always lose all your money, then your car, your house, your family and your clothing.  I'm a coward --- I'd rather take my chances in the workplace.  But I regress.  Graton?  Graton is just the name of the joint.  It's actually located in an area (doesn't even qualify as a town, as far as I'm concerned) called Rohnert Park, a 60s blot of blight between Petaluma and San Francisco.  Having a casino there is fine with me, since Rohnert Park has the personality of a garden slug, so at least the casino won't run down the neighborhood.  Graton is a lovely small town located north of Sebastopol.  My ex-girlfriend's father was born there.  I know Graton.  Graton has been friendly to me.  Rohnert Park, you're no Graton.  All this is leading to an article I read in the Ess Eff Bay Guardian Nov. 6th by Yael Chanoff; highly enlightening.  As far as I know, there is an Indian Reservation in Graton.  I don't know if Tribal Chairman Greg Sarris is a leader of that particular reservation, but he's the main person responsible for bringing the casino into being.  At his insistence, the resort was built with 100% union labor.  The facility will also be unionized --- without the interference of the NLRB.  It will be done without anti-union big business pressure, just a simple card check where every employee can vote yea or nay.  There was full tribal control of the development board at his insistence.  He also insisted on a LEED certified green building (I'm assuming he's not referring to the paint color).  It will be, of course, Indian owned.  So Graton, I heartily approve.  Since the govt. reneged on all the treaties they signed agreeing to return the land they were no longer using (how about a casino on Alcatraz or in the Presidio?) this seems like the least we can do to accommodate the Indians.  Perhaps one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive us for the inexcusable way we've treated them.  A big shoutout to Mr. Sarris, one courageous man.  If you want more information, visit news@sfbg.com.

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SPEAKING OF SHOUTOUTS,  one is due to Kohel Jinno of Tokyo, whose home and business were demolished to make room for the 1964 Olympics, and now will have to move again because his home is on the site of the 2020 Summer Games.  "Deep inside, I have a kind of grudge against the Olympics," said Jinno, 79.  No kidding . . . Over to Florida, where Anthony Garcia has just grabbed the cash drawer from his church's gift shop and sprinted off, with employee Joe Larkin in hot pursuit.  Mr. Garcia was wearing oversize pants but was not quite as oversized himself.  The pants slipped and Larkin dove at him, pulling the pants down enough so that Mr. Garcia tripped and fell, leading to his arrest.  "Had he been wearing a belt, there may have been a different outcome," said a sheriff's spokesman.  Not a good idea to steal money from the Higher Power . . . Wide World of Sports Dept.:  On game day, Cowboys Stadium consumes more electricity with its air conditioning, massive scoreboard, and other power-sucking amenities than Liberia, a nation of 3.7 million people.  They do everything BIG in Texas . . . Lyndon LaRouche turned 91 recently.  He ran for President as a third-party candidate in 1976.  Took out a half hour on prime time TV, which I remember watching.  He showed an indecipherable series of charts and graphs, concluding:  "So we can all see that Jimmy Carter is committed to thermonuclear war by July of 1977." Really.  Happy birthday, Lyndon.

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DO YOU KNOW what a good farmer is?  I do.  A good farmer is a man who's outstanding in his field (oh, for chrissakes, Schnide --- go back to the essays) . . . Has to be true, it was in the gossip colm:  Bruce Jenner's daughter, Kylie, says she can't remember a time when she wasn't famous.  Funny, I didn't know Bruce Jenner had a daughter . . . Are you old enough to remember when, if you wanted a cup of coffee, you went to a coffee shop;  i.e.: a place where you ordered your bacon and eggs and coffee was included?  Now you go to Stonedbucks, where they give you a cup of coffee that would wake up a narcoleptic.  Somebody brought me one a couple of days ago --- I almost had to be pried off the ceiling.  And we hear drugs are out of favor . . . I have a friend of a quarter-century that I shall refer to as Dr. Bob.  We met where we worked at the time and struck up a powerfully good relationship.  Dr. Bob and I have slightly differing points of view regarding political and social issues --- to say we differ is like saying George Bush and Saddam Hussein had slightly different takes on how to resolve problems in the Middle East.  At any rate, Bob read my recent diatribes about President Obama and the BART strike and doesn't see things quite the same.  Bob will now say a few words about my opinions:  "#%@?&$!"  Duly noted; hope I quoted you properly, sir . . . Finally, I think we should import Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and let him run Ess Eff for awhile.  He'll fit right in with the other comedians we have governing our city.

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FROM ALICE WALKER:  "The long-term accommodation that protects marriage and other such relationships is forgetfulness."

             ==============================

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like willschneider7648@gmail.com

       

'

H11/4/2013

Will Work for Spare Items

RAN INTO MY NEIGHBOR, Mary Lou, in the hallway t'other day.  Mary is a tall, attractive woman.  She wears high heels, and I mean spiked version of same.  "Why do you wear high heels?" I inquired inappropriately.  "Because they make me look taller," she asserted.  "You don't need to look taller," I said, continuing to move my foot around in my mouth to try and enunciate the words.  "Some men find them sexy," she posited.  "All it makes me think of is incredible foot pain" I responded, amoeba-ly.  Thought I was home free with the smart-aleck comment.   "Oh, yeah?" she served back.  "Do you think sex exists?"  I had to admit that I thought it did.  "Then I guess that makes you a sexist."  I excused myself, went back to my apartment and broke into the cooking sherry to clear my senses . . . He Must Be Famous His Name Was In The Gossip Colmns Dept:  Dr. Mehmet Oz (How could you not be famous with a name like that?) Prevailed over some chronic malcontent who claimed the doc's advice for how to warm some rice and put it in his sock, then warm your feet did not result in a malpractice verdict.  Why?  Because the foot sock clown didn't notice anything amiss until he had 3rd-degree burns on his feet!  And so Schnide's Dextrous Digit Award goes to aforementioned gentleman for bringing the most astonishingly stupid idea for a lawsuit in modern times.  And a followup to Dr. Oz.:  The name might be helping but check out a different day job . . . The Book Review in the Sunday Chronicle has a little featurette called "Grabbers".  It's the first line of a new novel, supposedly such a Grabber that you can't put the rest of the book down.  Here's a recent offering from book titled "The Heavens Rise" by Christopher Rice:  "I'm not sure how long it was down there."  How long what was down there?  You don't tell us when it got down there.  Nothing about where it came from.  Why was it down there?  How did it get down there?  I'm supposed to commit myself to a couple hundred pages of reading time to finding out about this?  Nothenkyew.  Oh, I forgot about the who, as in who gives a ****?

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THE BART STRIKE is over.  One of the big issues and final stumbling blocks was safety, pushed by the unions.  I confess I didn't really understand it.  Thanks to BART Management and a certain off-day "routine maintenance" workout, two people are dead, both of them non union employees.  Now I get it, and so does everybody else.  There will be an investigation into safety issues, now that management has been caught in a flagrant violation.  I held my fire about this whole mess, partially because it's easy for me to be an armchair yuppie about this (I don't depend on BART) and mainly because of self-preservation since my views are so out of the mainstream.  The Unions had a handshake agreement with Management (tip #1:  NEVER have a handshake agreement with The Boss) that if they didn't ask for a raise in 2009, management would take care of them next time around.  They got taken care of, alright.  A 14% raise stretched out over 8 years --- less than 2% a year.  That's a COLA, not a raise.  They are also getting a 3.5% raise to cover their benefit contributions, which cost at least double that.  I know a lot of union employees who depend on BART who felt BART employees were already overpaid.  Why?  They negotiated contracts that were ratified.  Now management wants take backs?  Does this remind you a little of the Tea Party elements?  We know we promised you certain benefits and you paid taxes (dues) in good faith on your end, but now we can't deliver so we're changing the terms of the agreement.  The reason?  We don't have any money.  In America?  No money?  Huge corporations that pay NO taxes and we don't have any money?  Not enough money for the safety nets the poor and elderly depend upon?  We shouldn't resent the regular schmoes in life that got good paying jobs and worked hard enough to hang on to them.  As far as BART employees being lazy;  well, it's a pretty huge system and runs awfully well.  This does not happen in spite of the hired help, it happens because of it.  The People will rise up and bring death upon the fascist empire!  The Workers control the means of production!!!  Oops --- got a little carried away there.  Time to chill.

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A COLORADO MAN was less than happy about having to pay off his estranged wife, so he bought $500.000 in gold and dumped it into a trash bin.  His comment?  "Damn right I did it." . . . Mixed Blessings Award:  Georgia resident Walter Serpit ran into his burning house to rescue his family.  Then he ran back in to save his Bud Light.  At least he had his priorities straight, although given the condition of some families the point could be open for debate.  If he had emerged with third-degree burns he may have qualified for free treatment from Dr. Mehmet Oz (see above) . . . A Texas safari club is raising money for endangered black rhinoceroses by auctioning off a permit to hunt and kill one in Namibia.  Despite criticism (really?), Dallas Safari Club director Ben Carter insists the DSC is committed to conservation and says the permit may raise $500,000.  Whoever wins the permit, he says, will be "someone who wants to make a major statement about how much they believe in conservation."  No argument there.  But folks, I know where you can get $500,000 --- IN GOLD!  No need to kill anything!  You'll need hip waders, diving gear and good-fitting gloves, but you don't have to kill anything.  Yr' Welcome . . . Time to say "so long":  Dianne Feinstein has been a public servant for better than 40 years, many of them distinguished.  She has also often been a loose cannon on some important issues.  She couldn't hop on the bandwagon fast enough in calling Edward Snowden a traitor.  How 60s!  I have mixed feelings about him, but he's certainly no traitor.  And then to hop on the bandwagon about re-upping the NSA's inexcusable powers of spying, now extending to leaders of our Allies.  What can she be thinking?  She could retire with relative grace.  After all, she's 80.  Uh, yes, I do believe age exists.  Why are you asking?

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Winston Churchill was at a party that had long outlasted its useful expiration date when an elderly dowager strode up to him and announced:  "Winston, you are drunk.  You are very drunk.  You are very VERY drunk!"  "And you, madam, are ugly," responded Winston.  "You are very ugly.  You are very VERY ugly.  But tomorrow I shall be sober."

              ===============================

I am ugly.  I am very ugly. I am very VERY ugly.  I am also VERY VERY drunk.  But tomorrow I shall be willschneider7648@gmail.com

Oct. 28, 2013

Barack Obama:  A Modest Assessment

THE GOVERNMENT CRISIS has been settled, mostly because of President Obama's resolve.  When he said after the 2012 elections that he was through negotiating with the Republicans about continuing resolutions and debt ceilings, he meant it.  Now he has more than three years to hone his leadership skills, which I believe he needs to concentrate on in order to seal his legacy.

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AND AN IMPRESSIVE legacy it is.  We finally have national health care.  Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to give thought to it, over 100 years ago.  When FDR hired Frances Perkins to be his Secretary of Labor in 1933 he asked her what her goals were.  "Unemployment Insurance, Social Security, and National Health Care," she replied.  Every Democrat and one Republican since Truman has endorsed it.  It represents the logical conclusion of the New Deal and Great Society programs.  After forty years of being in the woodshed (due at least partially to foolish behavior on our part)  we have a progressive in the White House.  To all of you armchair liberals who do nothing but whine about what he hasn't done, I would ask you to name the last president who came this close to looking out for the causes you're interested in.  On social issues, he's been right on the money.  Why do we continue our two-century-plus discrimination practices?  The White House was built by the Irish (and the blacks;  but we imported them).  My family came from Germany and Italy.  After they finished their stints on garden paradises such as Ellis and Angel Islands (where they could see the beauty of America but not participate) we generously allowed them to live in tenements.  My grandpa, a first generation American, was a butcher --- six days a week, twelve or fourteen hours a day.  The current flavor is anything hispanic, but especially from Mexico.  For the first time in our country's history, we've actually built up a wall to keep them out.  And what kind of work do they do?  Mostly they pick crops.  And who are the Communists that hire them?  Uh --- that would be huge agribusiness conglomerates, since the family farm is mostly a nostalgic memory.  Credit where it's due, President Bush was at least somewhat benign on this.  And Mr. Obama could be doing better, but at least he's responding to some pretty odious forces by making an effort.  There are way too many guns and gun violence in this country, probably more than the next five countries combined.  Couldn't we at least come to a mutual agreement that it's way past time to at least have a civil discussion about this?  Certainly we can agree with the NRA's assertion that mental health issues need to be addressed.  And certainly we ought to be able to agree that nobody except the military needs assault rifles.  Barack Obama is the first President to talk seriously about this since Lyndon Johnson.  The second amendment is the only one that talks about a piece of machinery (we may be the only country in the world to have something like this;  I've never heard otherwise).  Machinery is bound to change over the years.  What if the second commandment said "Thou Shalt Exercise Thy Divine Right To Posses a Well-Regulated Set of Wheels"?  Drones have wheels.  Maybe Donald Trump would be the only person who could afford one, which he could use to drop all of his birther documentation into the middle of the Pacific, along with the drone.  This is the first President to openly embrace LBGT issues and gay marriage.  Why are we even talking about this?  Perhaps I've lived in Ess Eff too long, but this one's as obvious as Liberace.  Those of you who don't get this, no disrespect intended, need to take a crowbar and pry open your minds.  Why are we still treating Blacks so badly?  What if Trayvon Martin had been of age, armed, and had shot the white-skinned neighborhood watch guy?  What do you think the jury would have ruled then?  "If your answer to that question is at least ambiguous, then we have something to talk about" --- Barack Obama.  Why, forty years after Roe v. Wade, are a woman's right to make decisions about her body even up for discussion?  The President has been front and center about that, as well as the depressing wage inequality between the genders.  What about the elderly?  The President's current position is he's non-negotiable on Social Security and Medicare benefits, and the Republicans have gone strangely silent about this lately.  On the economy, we are crawling back --- just like we did in the thirties.  The Roaring Twenties lasted about 8 years --- it took all of the thirties to get back.  The last economic pigfest lasted a quarter century --- this is going to take time, particularly if the Republicans, without offering any alternatives, continue to automatically reject every job and economic plan Obama proposes.  And lest we forget, he nailed Bin Ladin.  Some wisenheimers say Bush laid all the groundwork for this.  That's not unlike saying Calvin Coolidge was responsible for the Great Depression.  History ain't gonna see it that way.  Bin Ladin orchestrated 9/11 as surely as Tojo planned Pearl Harbor.  Both of them deserve to be dead.  To those who would correctly assert that much of what the President talks about is still little more than a dream, we've had dreamers before --- Kennedy, King, Lennon.  We'll see where Barak Obama fits in.

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HAS THE PRESIDENT disappointed me?  You bet.  Why are we still in Afghanistan?  Why did it take us so long to get out of Iraq?  Those places are no less a train wreck than they were in 2009.  Why do we still have troops in Germany and Japan nearly 70 years after the end of WWII?  How about Korea (1953), the Philippines and Cuba (Spanish-American War, 1898) and damn near every other country on the planet except Vietnam, which kicked our sorry asses out?  Talk about entitlements!  It would seem like the Dept. of Defense considers itself a birthright.  Way past time for this to change.  To discuss the entire issue of transparency is a column in itself, so I will try and keep my comments brief.  What Mr. Snowden and the Wikileaks guy offered are the tip of the iceberg.  We were promised the most transparent administration ever.  Right.  That would be like Richard Nixon asserting his term would be the most scandal-free in history.  The President has been embarrassingly behind the curve on every issue that's come up, being forced to 'fess up on all  matters only after the media has outed him.  At least once he gets caught, he belatedly tells the truth.  But it begs the question:  What aren't we being told?  The leader of Brazil cancelled a state visit because she found out we'd been monitoring her cell-phone.  Then the leaders of France and Germany made it clear that they were more than a little annoyed by the same behavior.  Shouldn't these revelations have been preceded by an Obamacall of abject, groveling apology for this inexcusable violation of their human dignity?  While he's at it, he should call the call every leader of every country on Earth, even Kim Sick Un, and do the same.  After that, get a few local phone books and start making random calls.  We spent nearly $11 BILLION on the NSA last year.  Looking for an easy budget cut, Mr. Prez?  They couldn't discover the human sewage responsible for the Boston Marathon bombings, nor the whack job that killed a few cops and then holed up in a cabin near L.A. and destroyed a perfectly useful piece of property, or the derango that walked into a D.C. military facility and blew away a dozen people --- just to name a very few?  The word inefficient called --- it wants its reputation back.  How about wasting the money on a $5 per hour raise for everybody making less than $20 an hour?  Finally, where do you stand on corporate welfare?  I don't know if you'll get around to this, but you could try and lay some groundwork.

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AND HOW HAS he been treated by his opponents?  Like he doesn't really belong in the White House because, let's face it, he's not like a normal American.  What other President has felt compelled to release his birth certificate?  Congress' little feelings are hurt because he doesn't schmooze enough with them.  How 80s!  Has it ever occurred to these folks that instead of going out and eating and drinking too much, wotinevvin's name is wrong with spending time with your family, especially when your kids are at such critical ages?  I don't hear much about their families.  Well no, that isn't exactly right.  A Republican congressman has come out in favor of gay marriage after his 20 or 21 year old son outed himself.  I don't think the Obamas would find out at that late date.  This is the best family we've had in the White House since the Kennedys.  What really roasted my cookies was when Sen. Mitch McConnell said, after the 2010 midterms that his objective was "to make certain Barack Obama is a one-term President."  Nothing about jobs, the economy, the deficit.  NOTHING.  The President tried to negotiate with them.  It led to one near government showdown, one real govt. shutdown ($24 billion, thank you Taze Party) two near defaults, and countless wastes of taxpayer time and money trying to void the Affordable Care Act.  Do the Republicans ever plan to tell us what they're for?

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TIME TO BRING this questionable effort full circle, or perhaps more of a parallelogram.  I believe in this President.  I believe in his ability to lead.  He still has over three years.  If my (don't forget that word modest) assessments are anywhere near the ballpark, I suspect we'll be finding out pretty soon.

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We hold these truths to be self evident:  That all men(?) are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of willschneider7648@gmail.com

Oct 15, 2013

A Mind is a Terrible Thing

FIRST UP TODAY is my acquaintance Miriam.  My best friend Saunders and me were hanging around Chez Schnide t'other day when she walked in and asked me what I was up to.  "I'm working on my blog," sez moi.  "Ooohh!" she gushed.  "A blog!  How do I get my name in it?"  Let's pause here for a reality check.  This is being read by more than two dozen people.  Pity th' fool who mess with my powers!  We could move into desperation on her part here, but instead I'll go to flattery.  Miriam is the first person who has ASKED to have her name inserted.  I'll take whatever I can get, and with gratitude.  "I dunno, I replied --- tell me a joke." Miriam ejects "How can you face your problem if your problem is your face?"  Saunders and me let out giant belly laughs, and I mean not the patronizing kind.  After miss M left, we tried to figure out why.  Neither of us understood the joke.  We agreed it had been a surprise.  Perhaps it was like the joke about the roof --- over our heads.  Maybe one needs an IQ of something like 250…million.  If any of you get it, please let me know.  At any rate, thanks for the item, Miriam . . . Over to Florida, where the Schmitt family --- Rick, his lovely wife Lisa, and their beautiful children Hillary and Eric, have discovered gold after a 13-year search.  They found it on an old Spanish shipwreck.  It's worth $350,000.  So far so good, eh?  Not so fast.  Most of the findings will go to the state and the company that owns the diving site.  But that's all fine with Lisa, who said "The greatest treasure is time with the family."  Huh?  Underwater, swimming around in a shipwreck?  How about hanging together off the top of a skyscraper?  At least you could talk to each other.  Whatever happened to a picnic at the beach?

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MOSES DROPPED DOWN from the mountaintop with a spacial tablet for Teahadist Ted Cruz and his nut job followers.  It said "Thou Shalt Know Without Enactment of a Law That Said Law Shalt Fail, And Thou Shalt Spare No Effort To Make Certain Such Law is Stillborn.  Oops --- Didn't Mean That.  Got My Priorities Mixed Up.  He Wants the Unborn to Live.  Once They Shalt Live, THAT'S When He Shalt Get Involved In Everything.  Don't Forget That Part."  That prompted The Devil to pop up from his hideaway in Upchuckistan with his response, available on Facebook and Twitter.  "Forget about the crap (the devil can talk like this) the Old Man says.  That law means I may not be getting ceased-to-be humans at the rate I'm used to.  Plus donations and favors from the Insurance, Legal and Pharmecutical companies might dry up.  Go ahead and vote down the law;  just do it for the proper reasons."  As I write this, our govt. problems have not been solved.  Let no one forget exactly who started this.  The whole idea was to shut down the government unless congress would defund the Affordable Care Act, which many of our less educated congresspeople continue to refer to as a bill.  We should provide all these folks with a simple book titled "How A Bill Becomes A Law", kind of like we got in grade school.  Lots of color pictures so they'll pay attention, but here's the Schnide Notes:  The House of Representatives approves the money, the Senate agrees, the President signs off and voila --- it's a law!  I've never in my life witnessed such a collection of sore losers.  I think they came to Congress in 2011 to shut the govt. down.  They almost succeeded once.  Now they have and guess what --- they've upped the ante and suddenly, people don't like them!  I will be disappointed in the President if he negotiates anything with these folks until they drop all objections to Obamacare.  Have you noticed the Republicans are suddenly not talking about the Affordable Care Act?  Don't be fooled . . . I fear I'm over-ranting, so I'll end the paragraph with a nice, pleasant joke that will dovetail with the theme of said rant, since Congress is so full of lawyers.  A pleasure boat is out on the bay.  They encounter a big wave, and two guests are thrown overboard;  one a lawyer.  A shark immediately shows up, grabs the lawyer and carries him to safety.  The astonished folks on the boat say "That's amazing!  How did you do such a thing --- and why the lawyer?"  "Professional courtesy," sez the shark.

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THIS WEEKS LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS award goes to William Freis of Nebraska.  He's suing Walmart for killing his wife.  The crime?  These underworked and overpaid employees overloaded a single plastic bag with two 42-oz. cans of La Choy and a 2-pound bag of rice.  His wife, Lynette, dropped said package on her foot.  Her toe got infected and she died.  What the --- ?  As much as I dislike Walmart, I think we're talking an easy money scam here.  In Nebraska, there are these people called doctors.  Before the toe becomes infected, the doctor can apply some disinfectant and a band-aid.  Should that not work, antibiotics would be in order.  Ain't no reason on God's Green Earth anybody oughta die from this.  So here's Judge Willie's settlement:  A lifetime supply of plastic bags to Mr. Freis and a $2-an-hour raise to Walmart employees on GPs.

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FROM AMBROSE BIERCE:  "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

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When you're weary, feeling small;

when tears are in your eyes I will dry willschneider7648@gmail.com

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

What's in a Name?

OH MY, DO WE ever get excited about things in these parts.  Right now we're in a huge kerfuffle about our brand spanking new Bay Bridge.  Thepowers that be have deigned it be named after Willie Brown, our former Mayor.  Problem is, this only refers to the western span, opened in 1936.  It already has a name --- The Bay Bridge.  Howesomever, the approach deserves its own name.  Remember what a mess that was, for over ten years?  The Hindenburg had less design flaws than that monstrosity.  The entrances and egresses, designed in the early 30s and again twenty years later, were inadequate to begin with and have not aged well.  The redesigning gets one on and off the bridge without the curves that required you to slow to 10mph.  But once you approach or get off --- OHMYGOLLYGORKINS!  We could hang several signs over these streets to read while you're sexting. "This approach/egress brought to you by 80 years of poor city planning" --- it would be unfair to blame Willie for this.  The Oakland Toll Plaza, on the other hand, merits special attention.  It's a nice, wide structure that spans the plaza (ha! --- a span without backups, unless maybe you're a pigeon) and thus could accommodate a lot of words:  This Plaza and the 2.2 miles that follow brought to you via the egomania of Jerry and Willie Brown, plus the inexcusable delays provided by the Calif. Dept. of Highways, resulting in delays/cost overruns of $Gazzillion.  Toll in 1989:  $1.  Today:  $5-$6.  There would even be room for a sculpture.  I suggest a large right hand, middle finger appropriately extended.  And what about the cracking bolts we all read about that almost delayed the opening?  No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control.  Did you know that ifthe bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30 million bonus?  Just reporting.

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THE AVERAGE HEAD contains 250,000 hairs, give or take.  Redheads, a few more.  Blondes, a few less.  Am supplying this data to assist you in following the old Delphic Oracle's excellent advice:  "Know Thyself" . . . There's a small town, population 24, in North Dakota.  A fellow named Paul Cobb is buying up available land there, hoping to turn it into a haven for white supremacists.  He doesn't sound like a very nice man, but that isn't the story.  He's wanted in Canada on charges of promoting hatred.  What kind of law is this?  I hate frozen vegetables.  Does that make me persona non grata north of the border?  Also this town has a mayor by the name of Ryan Schock.  With a name like that, shouldn't we expect big things of him?  How about a drone attack on Bismarck?  Perhapshe could drop Paul Cobb from one . . . My Pal Al sez my column reads like it was written by a speed freak.  Sorryalilltryandslowthingsdownabitjustforyou . . . Al is also thinking about taking a cruise on his next vacation;  he isn't sure where but he is sure about one thing:  it won't be on Carnival.  "Those ship captains would have trouble finding land if they were skydiving," he asserts.

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A VERY POOR way of getting revenge:  A 64-year-old Canadian fellow decided to express his displeasure toward his estranged wife by dumpingheaps of manure into her outdoor hot tub.  He then made an unsuccessful getaway attempt, using his tractor.  "It was a low-speed chase," said the arresting officer --- "about 12.5 mph" . . . Senator Marco Rubio, the guy who exposed his drinking problem during the Republican response to the President's State of the Union speech, is in a spot of trouble with his fellow Republicans' over his too-liberal immigration stance, has responded by endorsing the idea of refusing to allow the govt. to pay its bills unless Congress votes to defund the Affordable Care Act.  Memo to the Tease Party --- The bill has been passed, signed, and upheld by the Supremes.  It isn't going anywhere before 2017, and it's Mr. Obama's legacy.  With the way things have been going for the President lately, he's likely hang onto it with both hands.  Plus, if it's such a bad idea, won't we know by then? . . . This also gets on my radar --- Immigration Reform.  The Democrats and gang of eight passed one thru the Senate.  The reps refused to sign onto it unless it was agreed that we'd add several hundred miles of fence and hire a thousand extra border guards.  And you thought the Democrats were the ones who always wanted extra spending!  As usual, it's up to me to step in with the obvious solution.  Why don't we sow a band of Nuclear Waste from the Rio Grande to San Diego?  We could get it from Nevada's Yucca Mountains --- that's two Senate votes already! --- and have Shell Oil transport it (so maybe they spill a bit; it's just a bunch of desert full of slithery, crawly things).  Once in place, it would require no maintenance or upkeep.  Don't pester me with silly objections about the out-of-control wildfire/dangerous-to-breathe air side effects --- that's what we have Senate committees for (although if my plan works, we may not have to worry about them, either --- yet another plus!).  Of course, we may have to say goodbye to a few cities;  Albuquerque, El Paso, San Diego, Sacramento and portions of Calgary, but what's up there anyway?  A bunch of flakes and commies.  Just an idea --- Yr. welcome.

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FROM MARK TWAIN:  "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

Oct. 5,2013

Schnide Remarks 

by Will Schneider

Out of My Mind

BUSTED AGAIN:  O.J. Simpson has gotten a few demotion points --- he was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria.  See, he's gotten tired of searching for Nicole's real killer on America's major golf courses and is now conducting said search in various prison facilities, which makes a lot of sense.  The real killer is obviously a criminal;  what better place to look?  So how did Mr. Simpson get caught?  Did he leave a trail of cookie crumbs?  Also, have you seen pictures of him?  He's put on a lot of weight.  Maybe even more since he stole the cookies.  Perhaps his defense should be "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit" . . . When lawyers first got together, they were going to refer to divorce as "all the money".  But more understated voices were heard and it was changed to "alimony" . . . Bob Dole was on TV a month or so ago.  He was asked what he thought of the current Republican Party.  He said a sign should be hung on the door saying "Closed for Repairs."  Now it's time to hang a sign on Govt's door saying "Closed due to childlike behavior."  Pretty soon we may need another sign saying "Sorry but we can't pay the bills we've run up."  Always works for me when I'm late with the rent . . . An Indiana couple heard an animal prowling around their back yard and shot it.  Turns out it was an African Leopard.  State officials said the big cat was probably an escaped pet, since leopards are "not native to Indiana".  I guess this statement should be filed under irony . . . Now we're in Iowa, where a woman was arrested for allegedly posting an ad on Craigslist offering $10,000 to anyone who would kill her father.  "Usually this is something that takes place in a seedy bar," said police Capt. Bob Lynn.  "Who uses Craigslist?"  I would think his first investigative stop should be www.craigslist/Iowa women attempting to murder their fathers.  No charge for the advice --- yr. welcome.

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IN THE WIDE WORLD of entertainment, Jennifer Lopez has been taken to the woodshed by her mother, Guadalupe.  She apparently gave a performance in Britain, wearing a skimpy dominatrix outfit.  Guadalupe berated her 43 year-old daughter for acting like an "oversexed teenager."  I say strut your stuff, JLo!  I would invite her to perform for me but I suspect my invitation would not only be firmly rejected, but probably with a bunch of legal documentation attached.  I couldn't act like an oversexed teenager when I WAS one, and the years have not been kind.  In my defense, I'd just say "I may be chained to the porch but I can still bark at the cars."  I've also been told that Ms. Lopez has been married and divorced 3 times and is about to enter #4, with a guy half her age.  Whassup with that?  I sense a slow learning curve here.  Look, JLo and whoever, after a few weeks you've seen the merchandise.  Ever given much thought to attracting spouses with your mind and your heart, as opposed to your looks and your money?  Or, as Judge Judy has famously said:  "Looks fade; dumb is forever." Guadalupe, a slightly different take on what's important in life may be in order when advising your daughter . . . The Mailbag:  Reader and best friend Saunders alerts me to an abuse of the language.  A couple of columns ago I used the phrase "which I won't bore you with."  This is shoddy grammar, sez Saunders.  To be unshoddy, I should have said "with which I won't bore you."  Duly noted, sir.  Saunders had other observations about the column, which I won't bore you with . . . And yet another reader, one Chris Buck, reports:  "Your column goes great with coffee."  Chris doesn't drink coffee.

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HAD A HARD TIME trying to decide on what to rant about this time.  The Government nonsense is too easy a target, plus just thinking about it makes my brain hurt.  A conversation with my Pal Al jogged me.  First, about this guy who walked into the D.C. armed services facility and blew away a dozen or so people --- with a shotgun!  He had a special security clearance to enter the place.  He also had a criminal record and documented psychological problems.  On top of that, there's the surveillance video showing him looking into room after room for folks to shoot --- one at a time, because that's the only way a shotgun works.  Even Wayne LaUnaware wouldn't have an argument in favor of the gunman.  Why did a convicted felon with a history of psychological problems have a security clearance in the first place?  Who was watching the security camera other than the camera aimed at the security camera?  What Edward Snowden revealed was unsettling.  I draw little reassurance in the knowledge that even though the government can spy on us, it does such a crappy job of it.  As to Mr. LaPierre's remark that "The only thing that can stop a bad man with a gun is a good man with a gun", try telling that to the folks in New Town.  An underarmed security guard there would have only resulted in one more death . . . Then there's Silk Road, a website you needn't bother checking out because it's been closed.  It was set up by a fellow named Ross Ulbricht, a pleasant-looking 29 year-old gentleman just trying to make a few bucks.  You could get a rehearsal CD for Fleetwood Macs' Tusk album --- only $6.10!  Well, that's not a lot of dough, so he expanded his horizons to include pot and psychedelics.  Then he added prescription drugs, heroin, meth, opium, uppers, downers, whoopers, laughers --- you name it.  He ran into problems with some clients so he advertised to get them killed.  He got an offer for "$150,000 to $300,000, depending on whether you want it clean or unclean." Ross rejected this offer, saying he'd gotten a clean hit for $80,000.  At this point even the FBI started to pay attention.  They began by making 100 purchases of illicit drugs (one wasn't enough?  And don't forget this is what the FBI, that wonderful paragon of transparency, is admitting to).  Anyway after a million transactions and 2 1/2 years the FBI was able to bust --- a website!

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FROM RICHARD BRANSON, an expert in such things:  "It's easy to become a millionaire --- start out as a billionaire and buy an airline."

             ==============================

Because something is happening here

but you don't know what it is, do you, Mr. willschneider7648@gmail.com

Schnide Remarks

by Will Schneider

Onothimagain

A BRITISH WOMAN dislocated her jaw while attempting to eat a triple-decker cheeseburger.  "If food is too large, we would recommend cutting it into more manageable chunks," said a spokesperson for the hospital that treated the woman.  And you thought we didn't need National Health Care . . . Score one for transparency, the Obama administrations new favorite word.  The government has officially admitted the existence of Area 51 in Nevada, developed in the late 40s as a secret area in Nevada that many conspiracy buffs thought was a research spot for UFOs and dead bodies from other galaxies.  Turns out it was just a secret test site for cold war technology.  What a bummer.  Can't we go back to keeping secrets? . . . Riddle Me This:  Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?  A. Because it's fucking close to water . . . Schnide Schtrikes:  I believe dogs are catholic, while cats are atheist.  Why?  The dog runs across the floor towards you, pulling out the carpet, knocking over the end table, stepping on the cat, and bounding into your lap to say hello, shredding the newspaper you're reading in the process.  When you push him out of your lap in irritation, he gives you the big brown guilty eyes, as if to say "What'd I do?  I know I did something wrong --- It's all my fault.  Please hit me; I deserve it.  Will I ever be forgiven?  I swear I'll do anything --- PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!"  Cats take a somewhat different approach.  It doesn't make any difference how badly they want affection.  They meander over to you nonchalantly and if you don't immediately beg them to sit in your lap, they look at you in with a somewhat different expression:  "I took time out from my Board Meeting to come here and grace you with my presence, and you haven't showered me with gratitude and affection?  How dare you?  Go Piss Up A Rope . . . Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a Tea Party favorite, is in a bit of a conundrum.  His dad was born in Cuba, married an American citizen, and then moved to Calgary, Canada, where Ted was born.  This gives Sen. Cruz dual citizenship under U.S.-Canadian law.  Does any of this sound a tad familiar?  Some famous other guy has a similar problem --- I think his name is Obama Bin Ladin, or something like that.  Uh, except this Obama was born in the United State of Hawaii, again of a U.S. citizen.  How to get at the truth?  Why, ask an expert of course, say, Donald Trump.  A TV interviewer did just that.  "Well, if that's true, then…" began the Trumpster.  "It's a known fact", the interviewer rudely interrupted.  "Then you'll have to ask him", came the reply, and the end of the interview.  I guess things are a bit different when the foot is in the other mouth.

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GOT A BIT of reaction to last weeks' effort.  Most of it was positive, but none of that counts because I'm so insecure.  The main gist of the critiques was that I wasn't taking all of this government spying stuff seriously enough.  The last few lines of the piece, in particular, were viewed by some as hopelessly naive.  "You need to get out more," posited My Pal Al.  Actually all of this reminds me of a sketch by a British comedy troupe, Monty Python's Flying Circus.  They created a sketch entitled "How Not To Be Seen" in 1970.  It was presented as an instructional video, like what we used to see in Junior High.  After the title, an empty field appears.  The narrator says:  "Mr. Bumberstilt is cleverly hidden in this  field.  Sir, would you please stand up?"  A gentleman stands up, a gunshot rings out, and that's The End of Mr. Bumberstilt.  Next scene:  another empty field, narrator sez "Mrs. Wigglebottom is also hiding.  Ma'am, would you please stand up?  One of the Pythons (they were all male) stands up, dressed in a really overdone version of drag.  Gunshot rings out;  bye-bye Mrs. Wigglebottom.   Now we have a third field, except in the middle of the field is a bush.  When the narrator asks the individual to stand up, nothing happens.  The narrator asks again, to no avail.  "Mr. Barrington-Harquartz has learned the first lesson in How Not To Be Seen.  Unfortunately, he's picked a rather obvious hiding place."  The bush explodes in flames, a shoe flies out, and there's a yelp.  And here comes the fourth field, this time with three bushes.  "Mr. Jones has presented us with a poser."  First bush blows up, second bush blows up, third blows up with anticipated shoe and scream.  Now the Pythons are ready to expand their efforts.  "We were unable to find Mr. Tringle, but we DID find out where he lived (house explodes), where he worked (footage of building demolition), the city where he was born (WWII footage of city being bombed), and where he and his family were vacationing (peaceful woodsy scene, gentle river, and a campfire next to a tent.  You only get one guess what happens to the tent).  So here's the unschnide comment:  If the Pythons could come up with completely uncalled for ways to spy on innocent folks (the sketch offers no reason to spy on people, and they were able to come up with this over 40 years ago), should it come as any surprise that government agencies with too much time on their hands be able to do the same?  Spy on me all you want, Mr. Transparency --- just don't screw with my constitutional or legal rights, which you obviously are.  My question is:  Why do we need more proof?  Isn't it more important to figure out what we should do about these goings on?  Was there a concerted effort to deny minorities and the elderly and poor the right to vote last year?  Sure seems that way to me.  What happened?  One 102-year-old woman waited 8 hours to vote and, as a result, she was invited to sit in Mrs. Obama'a private booth at the State of the Union speech.  Black and Hispanic voter turnout was the highest in our history.  Don't piss these folks off --- giving up isn't their style.  And despite all of the media hoopla about it, these people DID something.  Bless 'em,  we should all have this strength of character.  Me?  I have a hard time standing in line five minutes to get into a movie.

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PINE GROVE CEMETERY in Lynn, Massachusetts, had a bit of a dilemma.  The family of Sonny Santiago, 23, wanted to chisel a song lyric with a four-letter word chiseled on his epitaph.  The official thought it over and decided not to allow it.  "We've never had a problem like this before," said an official with the cemetery.  You could say they made a monumental decision (alright, quit shoving.  I was leaving anyway).

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P