Schnide Remarks
by Will Schneider
Onothimagain
A BRITISH WOMAN dislocated her jaw while attempting to eat a triple-decker cheeseburger. "If food is too large, we would recommend cutting it into more manageable chunks," said a spokesperson for the hospital that treated the woman. And you thought we didn't need National Health Care . . . Score one for transparency, the Obama administrations new favorite word. The government has officially admitted the existence of Area 51 in Nevada, developed in the late 40s as a secret area in Nevada that many conspiracy buffs thought was a research spot for UFOs and dead bodies from other galaxies. Turns out it was just a secret test site for cold war technology. What a bummer. Can't we go back to keeping secrets? . . . Riddle Me This: Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? A. Because it's fucking close to water . . . Schnide Schtrikes: I believe dogs are catholic, while cats are atheist. Why? The dog runs across the floor towards you, pulling out the carpet, knocking over the end table, stepping on the cat, and bounding into your lap to say hello, shredding the newspaper you're reading in the process. When you push him out of your lap in irritation, he gives you the big brown guilty eyes, as if to say "What'd I do? I know I did something wrong --- It's all my fault. Please hit me; I deserve it. Will I ever be forgiven? I swear I'll do anything --- PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!" Cats take a somewhat different approach. It doesn't make any difference how badly they want affection. They meander over to you nonchalantly and if you don't immediately beg them to sit in your lap, they look at you in with a somewhat different expression: "I took time out from my Board Meeting to come here and grace you with my presence, and you haven't showered me with gratitude and affection? How dare you? Go Piss Up A Rope . . . Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, a Tea Party favorite, is in a bit of a conundrum. His dad was born in Cuba, married an American citizen, and then moved to Calgary, Canada, where Ted was born. This gives Sen. Cruz dual citizenship under U.S.-Canadian law. Does any of this sound a tad familiar? Some famous other guy has a similar problem --- I think his name is Obama Bin Ladin, or something like that. Uh, except this Obama was born in the United State of Hawaii, again of a U.S. citizen. How to get at the truth? Why, ask an expert of course, say, Donald Trump. A TV interviewer did just that. "Well, if that's true, then…" began the Trumpster. "It's a known fact", the interviewer rudely interrupted. "Then you'll have to ask him", came the reply, and the end of the interview. I guess things are a bit different when the foot is in the other mouth.
* * *
GOT A BIT of reaction to last weeks' effort. Most of it was positive, but none of that counts because I'm so insecure. The main gist of the critiques was that I wasn't taking all of this government spying stuff seriously enough. The last few lines of the piece, in particular, were viewed by some as hopelessly naive. "You need to get out more," posited My Pal Al. Actually all of this reminds me of a sketch by a British comedy troupe, Monty Python's Flying Circus. They created a sketch entitled "How Not To Be Seen" in 1970. It was presented as an instructional video, like what we used to see in Junior High. After the title, an empty field appears. The narrator says: "Mr. Bumberstilt is cleverly hidden in this field. Sir, would you please stand up?" A gentleman stands up, a gunshot rings out, and that's The End of Mr. Bumberstilt. Next scene: another empty field, narrator sez "Mrs. Wigglebottom is also hiding. Ma'am, would you please stand up? One of the Pythons (they were all male) stands up, dressed in a really overdone version of drag. Gunshot rings out; bye-bye Mrs. Wigglebottom. Now we have a third field, except in the middle of the field is a bush. When the narrator asks the individual to stand up, nothing happens. The narrator asks again, to no avail. "Mr. Barrington-Harquartz has learned the first lesson in How Not To Be Seen. Unfortunately, he's picked a rather obvious hiding place." The bush explodes in flames, a shoe flies out, and there's a yelp. And here comes the fourth field, this time with three bushes. "Mr. Jones has presented us with a poser." First bush blows up, second bush blows up, third blows up with anticipated shoe and scream. Now the Pythons are ready to expand their efforts. "We were unable to find Mr. Tringle, but we DID find out where he lived (house explodes), where he worked (footage of building demolition), the city where he was born (WWII footage of city being bombed), and where he and his family were vacationing (peaceful woodsy scene, gentle river, and a campfire next to a tent. You only get one guess what happens to the tent). So here's the unschnide comment: If the Pythons could come up with completely uncalled for ways to spy on innocent folks (the sketch offers no reason to spy on people, and they were able to come up with this over 40 years ago), should it come as any surprise that government agencies with too much time on their hands be able to do the same? Spy on me all you want, Mr. Transparency --- just don't screw with my constitutional or legal rights, which you obviously are. My question is: Why do we need more proof? Isn't it more important to figure out what we should do about these goings on? Was there a concerted effort to deny minorities and the elderly and poor the right to vote last year? Sure seems that way to me. What happened? One 102-year-old woman waited 8 hours to vote and, as a result, she was invited to sit in Mrs. Obama'a private booth at the State of the Union speech. Black and Hispanic voter turnout was the highest in our history. Don't piss these folks off --- giving up isn't their style. And despite all of the media hoopla about it, these people DID something. Bless 'em, we should all have this strength of character. Me? I have a hard time standing in line five minutes to get into a movie.
* * *
PINE GROVE CEMETERY in Lynn, Massachusetts, had a bit of a dilemma. The family of Sonny Santiago, 23, wanted to chisel a song lyric with a four-letter word chiseled on his epitaph. The official thought it over and decided not to allow it. "We've never had a problem like this before," said an official with the cemetery. You could say they made a monumental decision (alright, quit shoving. I was leaving anyway).
======================================================================
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah;
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah;
She loves willschneider7648@gmail.com
* *
P
