Common In --- The Water is Fine

SOME ORGANIZATION IN Iran has given "The Simpsons" some kind of award to acknowledge their talent. The government responded by calling the show a bad influence on family morals. Did "The

Simpsons" ever pretend to be anything else? Welcome to the 21sth century, Iran . . . Fortunately I don't have to get too involved in Iranian foreign policy. That would be like chasing cats around a parking lot . . . Gov't study sez 75% of $1 bills carry germs. That's why I only use 50's & 100's . . . Three guys walk into a bar: a conservative, a moderate, and a liberal. Bartender looks up and says "Hi Mitt!" . . . Sarah Palin had a pretty good line about the national opinion polls. "Poles are good for cross-country skiers and strippers," said the momma grizzly. I like her so much more since she isn't being taken seriously as a candidate . . . Just asking: what do you think it would be like to have a job as a hooker in Bangkok? . . . Am having a set-to with my girlfriend. My experience is there's only two ways to fight with a woman, and neither one of them work . . . Cabbie picked up a fare t'other day. Passenger was going to the airport  but said "I need to make a quick stop at my local bank first." "Sure!"  said the delighted driver. An airport fare for them is equivalent to striking gold. Imagine the taxi driver's surprise when six  blocks later  his cab was surrounded by the police, guns drawn. The passenger has made a quick stop at his local bank alright . . . to rob it! Not only the poor fellow's cab was inpounded, he was also unable to collect the $40 fare.

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ATTENTION FANS OF Viagra! A team of Argentine scientists did a study saying it could be effective in treating jet lag, at least in hamsters. I wasn't  aware hamsters suffered  from jet lag . . . Amateurism: a german couple had to call the fire department after accidentally chaining themselves up during their first ever bondage session. "We wanted to try something different" said Jochen  Ranstett, 56. Fifty six! Maybe there is still hope for me . . . A student at UC raised his hand during a particularly dull econ lecture and asked the prof. if he could go get a drink. Permission granted. Student then tripped merrily down to the nearest bar and got  thoroughly hammered. Bet he enjoyed the rest of the lecture . . . A really bad day for a burglar recently. First he visited an antique store and drilled a hole thru the door. He was sure he could open it but failed. So he moved to the bar around the corner. Again, no luck. Unscathed, he moved on to a corner grocery store. This time he tried to pry open the metal bars of the store's entrance. No luck. So he moved on to the reliable old Post Office. Got inside, but was unable to break open the safe. By now the burglar was a nervous wreck, and I imagine he's looking into a different line of work . . . Infamous last words: "You can make it easily. That train isn't coming very fast" . . . It's becoming increasingly clear that in this country politics is a game with two sides and a fence. With elections coming up, we should expect the candidates to announce their views, from their hedgequarters (Me? I'm a proud member of the Straddler Party).

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A former Canadian First Lady said: "Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman."

Read All About It

ALERT TO READERS: Some have commented about my inconsistent views of politics and social views. I change philosophies more than Hindus change Gods . . . So Newt Gingrich has proposed a permanent lunar station by 2020. 71% of the space coast voters in Florida support this concept. But it jumps to 96% when voters in this area would like to see Mr. Gingrich as the lone occupant of the lunar colony . . . The groundhog showed his face in Pennsylvania February 2, and we all know what that means --- six more weeks of Gingrich . . . The average price for the first superbowl in 1967 --- Nine Bucks! The average price this year ---$3800! A thirty-second commercial? $3.5 million! Wow! I thought we were POOR! . . . Reader Chris Buck checks in: "Your blog goes great with coffee". Chris doesn't drink coffee . . . Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys . . . Thought for the day: the greatest analgesic, soporific, stimulant, tranquilizer, and to some extent even antibiotic --- in short, the closest thing to a genuine panacea to man --- is work.

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ALL WE ARE    SAYING is give war a chance: Why is it that all of our presidents since WWII think they need   to assert their power and authority in this way? Republicans, Democrats, they're no different. Even WWII, obviously had to get Hitler and Tojo. Well and good but we had a hideously expensive cold war that lasted over 40 years, with continuous bad feelings that last through this day. Korea, Cuba, and Vietnam were full of innocent victims that we used as human sacrifice to rid the planet of communism. The result? A bunch of (hopefully not) permanently destroyed relationships. A war with Iraq? There were no weapons of mass destruction. We were lid to about that war, and left it in ruins. The political unrest and unsafe lives these people will endure for generations. Sadam was not threatening any of his neighbors. Nine years---for WHAT? And Afghanistan--- The eleven year war? We got Bin Laden, so why are we still there? Just looking for more enemies? We're so good at getting into kerfuffles, so bad at getting out. It's over 40 years since John Lennon made his modest suggestion, why NOT give peace a chance?

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WHAT IS THE world coming to? A british study finds that men spend 81 minutes a day grooming themselves. Women? Only 75 minutes. One must remember the study was done in Britain . . . War with Pakistan! The country has notified its phone companies it would ban over a thousand "obsene english words from text messages, including "quicky", "condom", "flatulence", and "period". . . As his gift  to Chicago, former Obama advisor Rahm Emanuel promised as newly elected Mayor of Chicago, he would reinstate social security to dead people . . . A family in Danvers, Mass. has to call 911 when they couldn't find their way out of a 7 acre corn maze. "I am really scared, it's really dark and we got a 3 week old baby with us"" said the man who made the call. "We thought that this was going to be fun".

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According to industrialist Henry J. Kaiser : "When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt".

The Enemy Within Or Since That Title Has Already Been Used, "They Lurk Among Us"

By Will Schneider

There is no escaping them. They use our facilities at public service stations, giving no thought to the efforts we spend keeping them spotless, making sure they are thoroughly cleaned twice yearly. They raid our convenience stores, buying up all the milk-duds. They eat some of the finest produce in the land -WITHOUT PAYING A CENT FOR IT! They don't even work, ferevvin's sake! (Source: Department of Labor). And how much of their money do they spend here? As little as possible, preferring to send it out of the country (they claim it goes to their families. So, why aren't their families here with them, as they should be?) These home wreckers even go so far as to get in physical altercations and bleed all over our nice hospitals, denying service to Decent Americans. I mean, how are we supposed to refill our anti-depressant medications with all this riff-raff in the way? I'm of course talking about MEXI-sorry, illegals.

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How do we defeat this terrible menace? The US Department of Homeland Security, long ago hijacked by liberals, proposes fences to keep them out. What a bunch of wussies. I've been climbing fences since I was ten. What we need here is a real, first class American solution once proposed by such national heroes Douglas MacArthur and Barry Goldwater, who had solutions for both the Korean and Vietnam wars the communists who run Washington weren't bold enough to try. I'm talking, of course, about a band of nuclear waste stretching from San Diego to El Paso. It's cheap; it's totally effective; we will never run out of it and it has minimal maintenance and upkeep costs. There is that pesky little out-of-control wildfire side-effect that could cause some damage, but what's down there, really? A bunch of sand and slithering, ugly critters.  As for sand, the Sahara has plenty, go there. After all, we can't be number one in everything. ("Oh yes we can and we will"- Rush Outtatouch). We would have to say so-long to a few cities and towns such as Tucson, El Paso, San Diego, Sacramento and parts of Calgary. Who needs these cities anyway? They are populated by a bunch of whack-job liberals. ("No they aren't"- Rush again. "Yes they  are" - Author. This concludes our roundtable discussion of this issue brought to you by the writer so you can make an informed decision based on all the facts. Yr' welcome).

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Or how about this: why don't we enforce the laws as written? Quick, raise your hand if you think the family farm still exists? You there, surrounded by cows and chickens, can't see if your hand is up or down. We'll mark you undecided. Farms are run generally by huge agribusiness. When I was working, I was a manager for a large company that hired a lot of non-native Americans. We were required to fill out a government form called an 1-9. In addition to the information requested by the form, we were required to submit a photo-copy of a permit to work and/or a green card, also a photo-copy of a social security card. I only received a back rejection slip one time. But, more than a few interviews were ended by an applicant when the topic came up, claiming they had to run home and get it and they'd be right back. Been waiting on some to return since 1987.  Why can't we require the agribusiness folks to do the same thing? This form, properly filled out and filed ensures both the employee and employers are playing by the rules. I suspect the reason this is not enforced by certain sectors of the economy is pretty obvious. M-O-N-E-Y. Playing by the rules keeps everybody honest. Of course, there is an economic downside. Imagine the financial impact: we'd have to pay these people minimum wage, overtime, disability, social security, workman's comp, etc. But why go after the REAL lawbreakers---big corporations? Let's discriminate against the innocent people who came here looking merely for an opportunity. That's what we always have done, ever since the Irish came here in the 1830's. Why change now?

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Think it over while you are enjoying that sweet, juicy slice of cantaloupe manana.