Randumb Thoughts

FROM JOAN RIVERS: "If it were up to me, former football coach Jerry Sandusky would be going straight from Penn State to the State Penn" . . . Christian radio broadcaster Harold Camping has apologized for telling listeners the world would end in the Rapture, first on May 21st, then Oct. 21st. Camping said he was getting out of the prediction business and retiring. He better hurry, because you never know when --- oh, never mind . . . Look who's gotten a bump in the polls since Herman Cain's problems: Newt Gingrich! This guy is so toxic, his baggage comes with baggage . . . I mean, really : A 747 has less baggage! . . . Reaction to my so-called efforts here is pouring in, and it runs the gamut: "Obvious, jejune and unsophisticated"; "Mr. Schneider's muse is unfettered by such inhibiting factors as basic manners and good taste"; "mostly stolen and depressingly mundane", and "apparently knows the correct position of letters and numbers on the keyboard." Obviously I'm very encouraged . . . If you really do like my work, please send me a donation made out to the California Association for the Severely Handicapped. Feel free to abbreviate, making the check to C.A.S.H . . .  Did you know that on the opening day of the baseball season, half the teams that play lose? Not trying to bum you out, just reporting . . . Remember this old song? "You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss". Should we update this to " a tweet is just a tweet'? . . . Oops! Do- gooding British police busted open a car window to release what they thought was a baby trapped inside. Turned out it was a very realistic-looking doll.

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 POLI-TICKLE: This time we start by focusing on President Lyndon Johnson, a man not noted for his sense of humor. But this column does it's homework! We begin with his 1948 senate campaign. This campaign earned Johnson the moniker "Landslide Lyndon". He won by about 1,000 votes. There is an argument that he was elected by a lot of dead people. Somewhat in desperation, Johnson told his press aide to put out a story saying his opponent slept with his pigs. "Mr. Johnson", said the aide. "You know that isn't true. How can we possibly say that?". Johnson reportedly replied: "Hell, I don't care if it's true. I just want to watch him deny it!" . . . When he was President, a leader from a small third-world country came for a state visit. "Oh, Mr. President," the leader said. "I have so much respect and admiration for you; coming from your poor background and being born in a log cabin." "Son, said the President, "you have me confused with Abraham Lincoln. I was born in a manger" . . . After leaving the presidency, he supervised the construction of the Johnson library. He came across the workers preparing his mausoleum. "Now don't dig too deep, boys," admonished the Prez. "I only plan to be down there three days" . . . Other Presidents, other things: I've mentioned before President "Silent Cal" Coolidge. Reporters met him one Sunday. "Been to church, Mr. President?" "Yep." "Did you enjoy the sermon?" "Yep." "What did the preacher talk about?" "Sin". Ánd what did he say?" "He's against it."

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THERE WAS an old lady from Wooster

Who was often annoyed by a rooster,

She cut off his head

Until he was dead

And now he can't crow like he uster."-Author unknown.

HEY, NOBODY PUT a gun to your head and forced you to read this. But watch out, because if that'll get me more readers . . . Kid comes home from school one day. His mom asks what his teacher had to say about his poor grades. "Should I leave out the swear words?" inquire the kid, "Of course.", says mom. Retorts the kid: "he didn't say a thing" . . . Speaking of reader(s), I want to assure all of you that the incident between myself, the cattle truck, the Christian Science Reading Room and the youth organization has been peacefully settled. Also the cannibalism problem is relatively under control . . . Flipping thru the TV magazine, I note there is a channel for Golf. What is this, a station for drunks? Don't get me wrong, golf is good exercise, being outdoors and all that. But whoinevvin's name would want to WATCH it? What's next, the fishing channel? . . . How come he never tells any feelgood stories? Okay --- Victor Giesbrecht, 61, stopped on a Wisconsin highway to help a stranger, Sara Berg, change a tire. After he drove off, Giesbrecht suffered a heart attack; Berg then stopped her car and saved his life by performing CPR. Aww.

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Fellow in Indonesia is in prison for stealing $250,000 in lottery tickets. You might say he's in a lottery trouble( Okay, quit shoving. I was leaving anyway).



The Smorgasboard

IN THE WIDE WORLD of sports, this just in, a partial score: Boston, 6 . . . Have you seen the ad for  a brand spanking new two dollar bill? Only ten bucks! But there's more! Act right now and we'll throw in another $2 bill  --- no extra charge! So I send them ten bucks, they refund me four. Only a Washington politician could have thought up this ad campaign . . . Dad says to his smart-aleck kid  at dinner:" One more bite like that and I'll put you down from the table." Kid retorts: "One more bite like that and I'll be finished." . . . Two brothers left home. One sailed off to sea, the other  became Vice President of the United States. Neither was ever heard from again . . . Not exactly a quick study dept: Michelle Astumiam of San Luis Obispo, Calif., was accused of forging prescription drugs and ordered to show up in court. She appeared at the appointed time with a doctor's note asking that her sentence be delayed. The note was --- you guessed it --- forged . . . Way to go, Mr. P: President Obama accepted an award for supporting government transparency. The award was accepted at a private ceremony. The media and public were not allowed to attend . . . Groucho Marx, interviewing a contestant on his old TV show: "It says here you have nine children. NINE children? How do you explain that?" "Well, Groucho, sez the contestant, "I love my wife." Retorts Groucho:"I like my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while." Needless to say, that line didn't make the final cut . . . Poli-tickle: "I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people of this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told I am". A tip of my chrome dome to John Cleese of Monty Pythom fame for that zinger . . . There's a new toilet bowl cleaner out. Its name? KABOOM! How long do you think it will take for the manufacturer to figure out what a poor choice of titles this is on so many different levels? . . . Here's how low-tech I am: A friend asked me t'other day if my cell phone took pictures. "No", I replied. "And my camera doesn't make phone calls."

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SHOOTING FROM THE LIP: Have you gotten a load of all the weight-loss ads? Lose up to 300 lbs  IN 48 HOURS!*(*Results not typical) says an ad for Weight Begone. My father had a pretty succinct opinion on this matter: "there is only one way to lose weight. You need to take in less calories than you burn, period. If you do that, no matter how you do it, you will lose weight." Being the smart alec teenager I was, I said: "So you can do it with candy?" "Yes, you can," responded my father, giving me a playful kidney punch. These ads show a picture of a nice juicy cheeseburger or an enticing slice of cheesecake. What they fail to show you is that the photo has been enlarged to about 300% bigger that comfortably shows the product barely covering a person's little finger. Then there's the obligatory before and after pictures. In the before picture someone is wearing sweats, indoors, carrying a can of soda and not looking at all happy. In the NEXT  picture, She/He is out on the beach, having a great time in their form-fitting bikini or bathing suit. What they NEVER show you is the really after picture, where they've gained back all the weight and more. They're wearing the sweats again, but in addition to the coke a bag of chips has been added. Their belly now comfortably keeps their toes warm. Study after study shows that 85 or 90% of folks that try these fad diets end up going all the weight back plus more. Do you think this exercise in self fluggelation has value at all? I can't think of any. Neither could my dad, and he was a pretty smart guy.

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A TIMELESS POEM deliverd by the late Jimmy Steward on Johny Carson's old tonight Show: I love old lake Wanacoochie; it's surface is smooth as glass. But GETTING to late Wanacoochie is a real pain in the " . . . eh, caboose" . . . So the baseball season starts in April. And we all know what that means, don't we? By April 15th the Mets will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs . . . One thing about baldness --- it's neat . . . A Settler is heading out west back in the 1830's. He stops in a small prarie town. Seeking out the local church, he goes in, shakes hands with the pastor, and confesses: "Father, I am so frightened. I've been told there are horrible fires, devastating earthquakes, and fierce Indians. I'm scared of what awaits me." The pastor, who has been calmly polishing his musket the entire time, says: "Son, I believe in God. When it's my time, God will call me. I'm not frightened of anything." "That's very reassuring, Father, "says the settler. "But if you're not scared of anything, why do you carry a gun?" "Who knows", responds the pastor. "Today may be the Indians' time." . . . I thought republicans had learned something from "Tricky Dick." But now they've iced the cake by giving us Nasty Newt."

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AUTHOR MALACHY McCOURT said it: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."



Caution: You Are About To Enter A Really BIG Spin Zone

Caution:  You Are About To Enter A Really BIG Spin Zone

IS IT JUST ME, Or does Mitt Romney look like a guy that should be doing ads for erectile dysfunction? . . 70's movie "Oh God". "Take avocadoes", deadpaned Burns. "I made the pits too big." Not a good idea to argue with God.  Also a great idea to watch this movie ---  one of the greatest talents of the 20th century . . . Another GOP first! Mitt Romney is the only presidential candidate in history to be named after a glove . . . Lyndon Johnson said it: "You can't make chicken salad with chicken manure "(Okay, he used a more earthy word for manure, but you get the idea) . . . Out of the mouths of babes comes drool . . . I'm so glad I wasn't born a female. If I was , I'd just stay home and play with my breast all day . . . This week is the late Ed Sullivan's birthday.  Don't forget to wear a really big shoe; and if you're old  enough to get that joke, I hope you're taking good care of yourself . . . I do not consider myself a pessimist, but rather an optimist with high standards . . . Two friends meet. "What's that you're putting in your vest, Jack?" Sez Jack: "It's a stick of dynamite. Every time that Riley sees me he slaps me a breaks all my cigars. Next time he tries it, he's gonna blow his hand off" . . . Reports says one out of every  50 drivers on the road is drunk. So what can you do? Easy. Count the cars. Pull over after every 49th car. You must start with a drunk driver, however, or you'll be all fouled up.

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              SPACE OCCUPIED:  Do you remember Barry Goldwater's 1964 campaign slogan," In your  heart, you know he's right"?  This is how I feel about the Occupy Wall Street movement. It's not easy to explain why I identify with these folks in a logical way, but I have an almost visceral bond and empathetic feel for them. Having just said I like them for reasons inexplicable logically, I will attempt to explain these feelings in words, for two reasons: 1) Its needs to be talked about, and B) I'm a know it all smart aleck. I'm not sure regular folks are 99%, but 99% is a whole lot catchier than, say, 96%. The gap between the well off and everybody else has increased dramatically over the last few decades. I have friends whose kids have college degrees and the best they can do is get a job as a grocery clerk. That's perfectly all-american work, but they aren't achieving their dreams. Why? Because large businesses, which have been astonishly profitable, are sitting on their profits, parking them in overseas banks and outsourcing jobs to other countries without minimum wage and benefits. Who's responsible?  Republicans?  Democrats?  Is there really a dime's worth of difference between what's being delivered by either of the parties? My dad used to tell me he hoped I'd be able to do better than his generation.  Most of my friends were told the same thing. What's happened to that? OWS seems to be saying: It's OUR country --- let's take it back. Bless 'em all. It's exactly the right message. They aren't a bunch of chronic malcontents. They're not just occupying Wall Street. They're also occupying a portion of many of our hearts.

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SURLY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP: Word has it Sen. John McCain wants to start a third party called the "Fed Up" Party. I thought most of us were already fed up with Sen. McCain . . . Speaking of another Cain, Herman's rambling and ever-changing explanations are proof that Cleopatra is not the only Queen of DeNile.   Bottom line: Is Cain Able?  Personalities like him help keep guys like me off the streets, and trust me, that's what you want . . . I like Sarah Palin's line: What's the difference between a soccer mom and a pit bull? Soccer moms wear lipstick . . . My advice to OWS: Hungry? Eat a banker! . . . Scientific study sez gas pump handles are the most germ-infested surface that American touch in their everyday lives. Makes a good case for using the full-service pumps,  if you can find one  . . .  How the 2012 campaign shaping up, if you listen to Keith Olberman: "The blood is in the water, and the sharks are bipartisan" . . . A young man in Colorado Springs met a woman online and invited her to his home for a little rendezvous.  Unfortunately  his girlfriend paid an unexpected visit. Thinking quickly, he told g.f. that the other woman was a burglar, and called the cops to report same.  Result? He is charged with false reporting to authorities.

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FROM HUMORIST P.J. O'ROURKE:  "Everyone wants to save the earth. Nobody wants to help mom to do the dishes."