12/02/13
Patter of a Tiny Brain
MY LAWYER JUST CALLED --- Seems my vanity has sued (I put that in there for my best friend Saunders, who is amused by such stuff) . . . Here's a twist: 432 Ess Eff teachers didn't show up for work the Tuesday B4 Thanksgiving. See, they were already getting Wednesday and Friday off, and decided to make it a long weekend by adding Tuesday. Two observations: a) This doesn't speak well of our educational system. I'm talking about the teachers, not the students. If they'd taken Monday off, it would have made it nine days in a row. How much education and work experience do you need to figure that out? And 2) What a twist --- the TEACHERS playing hooky! . . . I called the Disney Company to see if they would open a new Disney World in my name now that I'm a famous columnist; requesting that it have a mountain with my face carved on it. I am happy to report that, as always, This Column Gets Results! The new site will be called Disney County and my face will be carved on Mt. Slushmore, along with Rob Ford, Marion Barry, and Anthony Weiner. I asked if there would be other attractions. Again, Results! It will be called "Throw the Money into Walt's Mouth" . . . The first day of Hanukah and Thanksgiving fell on the same day this year, so happy holiday. Won't be able to wish you that for another 70,000 years, which I will do. How, you ask? Me and my buddy Dr. Bob were hanging out at work one day, debating who was right about everything (he is). The subject of death came up. "I'm not going," he posited. "Howzzat?" I inquired. "Somebody has to be first," he said. "Why not me?" Made sense, so I asked him if I could join the club, and we shook on it. Are we right? You'll have to wait 70,000 years to find out . . . Was TV surfing t'other day when I ran across an ad for special glasses that enabled the wearer to see clearly in the dark and in fog. Regular price? $439.99. Our price --- Ten Bucks. BUT WAIT! Call in the next ten minutes (says the ad that will run six times a day for the next month) and we'll throw in a second pair for free! Don't know about you, but I'm no dummy. I'm calling every ten minutes until I run out of money. Then I can resell them for $439.98 . . . How come he never runs any feelgood stuff? I thought it was great when Batkid Miles Scott rescued Ess Eff a couple of weeks ago from the Joker, the Riddler and the Penguin (I didn't know penguins lived here). A gazillion folks turned out to honor him, Mayor Lee gave him a chocolate key to The City, and both papers ran special front pages in honor of the event. Miles is currently in remission from leukemia and all of our thoughts go out to him. I feel the same way about the youngster who got to run the fake touchdown during a Major League Football game. Just goes to show how good hearted the human race can be if given a chance.
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RADIO PERSONALITY DAMON BRUCE has returned from an all-too-brief suspension for a rant suggesting women and "sensitive men" (what could that possibly mean?) were destroying football. I'll be a little less sensitive about football when I don't hear as much about concussions and broken bones. Football more and more resembles the lions and the gladiators, except the lions didn't injure their prey; they ATE them. As for you, Damon, may I recommend a career path more compatible with your skills, like mopping prison cell floors --- at minimum wage, since that's the least we can legally pay you. In short, Mr. Bruce, I think your views are booring (alright, I admit, I put this item here in a shameless attempt to garner female fans. Stay with me. They make up 51% of the species, meaning my chances of attracting same are 8 million to one. How can I lose?) . . . Venezuela's leftist government has seized control of a toilet paper factory in an effort to end the nation's ongoing TP shortage. The govt. asserted toilet paper is an "essential commodity." I'd have to agree with that. The salient question, however, is what would a right-wing government do? Easy. Threaten to withhold the toilet paper unless govt. health care was defunded.
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JUST ASKING: What do you think Thanksgiving dinner was like at the Cheney household? Did the Clintons and Obamas dine together? . . . Homage to George Carlin: Why is it called chicken fried steak? It contains neither chicken nor steak . . . Don't you love getting multi-page stuff in the mail where one or two pages say "This page intentionally left blank"? If it's intentionally blank, why is there writing on it? . . . And how about prescription drug commercials. The first ten seconds: END IMPOTENCE! CURE CHOLESTEROL! GOODBYE TO ALL ACHES AND PAINS! SO LONG TO COLDS AND FLU! Then fifty seconds of side effects: Drowsiness, dizziness, meningitis, heroin withdrawal, prostate, breast, brain and pancreatic cancers, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, the yaws, and then you'll die. But in the meantime, AVOID ALCOHOL!!! I'm going face down in a barrel of Jim Beam (I prefer Black Label) so I can drink --- uh, I mean THINK this over.
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ACCORDING TO MICHAEL DELL: "If you're the smartest person in the room, find another room."
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That old Black Magic has me in its spell,
That old Black Magic that I know so well.
In a spin, lovin' that spin I'm in
Lovin' that old Black Magic called willschneider7648@gmail.com
Very funny
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