03/07/14
This is Your Brain on Schnide
LAST TUESDAY WAS National Grammar Day, but I won't be celebrating until I know when National Granpa Day is. Come on, be fair . . . Riddle me this: Why would you never starve to death in the desert? Because of the sand which is there! My buddy Hector MacDiddlewally checks in: "Watch out, folks. He's been nipping at the cooking sherry again." . . . And why not? We just finished with Mardis Gras, which culminates with Fat Tuesday and is followed by Ash Wednesday, where you get a bit of ash on your forehead, and, in return for being absolved of all the sins you've committed on Fat Tuesday you have to give up something you really like for 40 days. Okay, I'm giving up my search for life on Pluto for the next 40 days. I have a slightly different take on the whole thing. I think that after indulging in as many Fat Tuesdays as possible, I should be immersed i ash so I'm REALLY forgiven. Upon recovery, repeat process. I'm not as young as I used to be, so in my case, just to recover from the inhaled ash would probably take a few days, during which I could give up ANYTHING (like food(, at least for awhile. Then I'd be Good To Go (note: There are rumors around that inhaling ash is bad for you. Bullfeathers. They used to say the same nasty stuff about cigarette smoke) . . . Actually, I'm not much of a party animal. Taking me to the Mardi Gras would make about as much sense as taking Elton John to Hooters . . . Little-known fact about me: I once danced under the name "Fat Tuesday". Significantly improved my fruit and vegetable consumption.
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IF I WAS PRESIDENT OBAMA I'd be real happy about the second amendment. I'd declare myself a well armed malitia and show up at a press conference with an assault rifle. Then I'd say I was really in no mood for a press conference but they told me I had to hold one. First I would announce the abolition of the CIA and NSA because they have so far been caught by surprise by every single national and international incident over the last 50 years or so. Vietnam? Oops! Timothy McVeigh? Sorry. 9/11? Well, see, it was early in the day --- we hadn't had our coffee yet. The two pieces of human sewage that set off the Boston Marathon bombs? Well, we knew they'd been to Russia and studied with some fundamentalist Islamic cults, but we weren't worried about benign people like that. So out with you, incompetent govt. wastrels who don't work. I'm appointing a class of eighth graders to do all this as a homework assignment. The ones that actually come up with something will get high school credits. If I was still standing, I'd say: "Now I'll take your questions. Don't forget I have a weapon, you're in my parameters and I'm invoking the 'Stand Your Ground law'. Any Black reporters from Fox News got a question?"
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SPEAKING OF WHACKOS WITH GUNS, George Zimmerman currently has a painting up for sale on eBay that is drawing bids as high as $110,000. It depicts an American flag with the inscription "With Liberty and Justice For All". Finally, something that Zimmerman (AKA "Pond Scum") and Trayvon Martin's family can agree on . . . Over to Britain, that reliable source for so many items reported here. A group of British Scientists concluded that based on the amount of booze he consumed in his movies he would develop "alcoholic liver disease, cirrhosis and impotence", and die at 56. Party poopers . . . A displeased Walmart employee took a gun and shot a hole in another employee's SUV after she had been named "Employee of the Month." It's now clear, said the sheriff, why the perpetrator "wasn't named Employee of the Month" . . . Finally, I love the old joke about a young fellow that gets hired at the Post Office. After a few days his boss comes over to see how he's doing. "Son, you are one fast sorter. I don't think I've ever seen one as fast as you." "Sir, you haven't seen anything yet," replies the kid. "Just wait'll I learn how to read."
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ROBERT FROST SAID IT: "The middle of the road is where the white line is --- and that's the worst place to drive."
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