01/31/14

What --- Me Wordy?

SEEMS THERE'S A SLIGHT KERFUFFLE about whether the construction specs for the East Bay Bridge where properly adhered to.  Don't like to blow my own horn (just watch me) but This Column Had It First!  It was common news about the faulty bolts.  On Oct. 14th, I wrote:  "No worries, assured the contractor --- we've got it all under control.  Did you know that if the bridge had not opened on time, the contractor would've had to forfeit a $30million bonus?  Just reporting."  Well, it opened on time all right --- on time but of questionable quality.  Charges are that Caltrans papered over the whole scandal and paid another $25mil for a kwik-fix retrofit.  There are further assertions that the problems weren't fixed well enough for the bridge to last its expected lifetime and more work will be necessary.  Should we get our $30mil back?  That's a no-brainer, but my suspicion is by the time we do that, it will cost $3 - 4billion in legal fees.  At least we can learn a lesson for the future --- uh, yeah, right . . . I Love Trivia Dept:  The Beatles came to our shores 50 years ago next week.  They immediately had five songs on the top ten, plus a movie and numerous other singles and best selling albums thruout the year.  And who won the Grammy that year?  "Girl from Ipanema" by Stan Getz and some lady whose name I don't remember (great song, but hey).  According to Joe Scarborough ("Morning Joe", best thing on in the morning but you gotta get up @ 3AM PST to see it), the first time the Fab Four won the award wasn't until after John Lennon was killed, although I seem to recall Paul McCartney bounding up to the stage to accept an award for the group in 1970 or 1971.  America trusts you --- say it ain't so, Joe! . . . The Navy has christened its newest nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford.  The vessel partially destroyed the launching pad on its way out, ran over three tugboats and a number of fishing trawlers, punched a hole in its side ramming the Rock of Gibraltar, causing six aircraft and 72 sailors to fall overboard, finally sinking in the Black Sea, where it slammed into a Russian nuclear submarine, causing both to explode.  The Ghost of Gerald Ford came back to say:  "Now there is ABSOLUTELY no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe."  Actually it may be Jimmy Carter who said that, but then the joke wouldn't have worked and who cares anyway when the whole thing was a fabrication.  Facts, schmacts;  enter here at your own risk.

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DID YOU SEE Rand Paul on Meet Depressed last Sunday?  B4 I get to my mini-rant, have you checked out this guys hair?  If he's the wave of the future we'll all need to stock up on mousse (I prefer chocolate).  Actually Sen. Rand is so pro-gun he probably uses real moose.  At any rate, he was on his high horsie about how the media "gave President Clinton a pass" on the Monica Lewinski affair.  "To take advantage of a 20-year old in a public office" --- omy omy what a horrible abuse of power!  So a couple of obfuscations:  z)  It is rumored that Mr. Paul wants to be our next President (memo to Rand:  WHY?  Have you seen how we treat them?  But I digest).  How long will it be before you figure a way to tie this to Mrs. Clinton?  I don't see how you do this and come out looking good.  And MCMLX)  You also upchucked the comment:  "And they say we Republicans are conducting a war on women!"  Okay, first things first.  A man having a consensual sexual affair with another adult is disgusting, particularly if he's married.  But it's really nobodies business.  The Clintons seemed to have patched up their differences (a lot of patching on Bill's part and a lot of forgiveness on Hillary's, who I believe was blindsided by the whole thing.  And let's not forget Monica, who was thrown under the bus) and moved on.  I don't think moseying down this road will garner you many fans.  And the media gave him a pass?  I seem to recall an impeachment and a trial.  Regarding the War On Women:  I don't see how Bill Clinton's War On Himself rises to the level of denying a woman's right to be in control of her own body and have easy access to the information and other forms of treatment designed to assure that right.  I also don't see how it relates to women's treatment in society at large, including way too much sexual harassment, 77 cents for every dollar men make --- the list goes on.  Clean up your own backyard, Sen. Rand --- if you're wanting to be a national figure;  why, I'm just asking the easy questions . . . Other mini-rant:  To Rush Outtatouch, Glen Belch, and all the other wing nuts who constantly relish accusing President Obama of playing the Race Card:  The guy's HALF-WHITE!  He plays the race card every day --- with himself!

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I LOVE ALEX WITT and her great MSNBC weekend show.  But last week she had some political commentator on and they were crying in their soup about the aggressive agenda the President laid out in his last State Of The Union speech and what a disappointment the results had been.  Ms. Witt opined:  "After New Town, I really thought we had a shot at doing something about gun control."  Hope this was an ad-lib, Alex, not something you read off the teleprompter.  Kinda reminds me of the Senator (I think it was Waxman) who, expressing his frustration at the length of time the Clinton impeachment trial was taking, blurted out:  "Let's get all the facts on the table so we can wrap this sucker up!" . . . Loved Willie Browns comment in his Sunday column:  "What is it about Jerry Brown?  Every time he's Governor, we have a drought."  Well, I think it has more to do with between his stints as Secretary of State, Governor, candidate for President and Senator, radio talk show host, Mayor of Oakland, Attorney General and then Governor again, when has he NOT been in the public eye over the last 40 years?  By the way, is Willie reading S.R.?  On Jan. 10th, I said I liked the Warriors stadium, but only if it wasn't surrounded by a bunch of high rise condos and other outsize development of the area.  Emailed a copy to Mr. Brown.  In his column Jan. 19th, Da Mayor chimed in with the same viewpoint.  Come on, sir, give a struggling writer a plug! . . . Riddle Me This Dept:  If you were to create an album of favorite cat songs, what would you call it?  How about "Meow Mix? . . . Haven't had enough?  OK, why are they called wisdom teeth?  Because if the dentist extracts enough of them they can put their kids thru college . . . Don't know about you, but I've definitely had enough.

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FROM AUTHOR SUSAN ORLEAN:  "If newspapers stop their print editions, what will cats sit on when you're trying to read?"

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The bigger they are, the harder they fall

These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs

I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off

Twerking in their bras and willschneider7648@gmail.com

Open for business 8AM-4PM PST @ (415)202-7697

01/24/14

Gamut from Ho to Hum

SO THE PRESIDENT gave his speech about the NSA last week, which offered a bunch of excuses and absolutely nothing new.  It's been difficult lately to remain a FOB (Friend of Barack), tho I still am, but he seems to have lost his voice and lost his way.  Why doesn't the President have advisers like me who would tell him what folks were really thinking?  Um --- wait a sec.  I'd just be participating in the circle jerk routine of sucking up and promoting my own ideas that he gets to his face, all the while bad mouthing him behind his back while preparing notes for my best-selling autobiography "I Was the Only One Who Told Him the Truth But He Wouldn't Listen".  Actually I can still write it, using my powers of telepathy . . . Duh! Dept.:  Over 50 Americans scalded themselves during the recent cold snap by throwing pots of boiling water into the air, assuming it would freeze before it landed on them.  Ah, the best laid plans --- maybe I should've said the best tossed plans . . . What column would be complete without a "Grabber", that feature in the Sunday Book Review section that prints the first line of a new novel, plus my capsule review.  This week the book is "Saving Mozart" (ambitious title!) by Raphael Jerusalmy:  "I hate Fridays."  Obviously he had Wednesday and Thursday off . . . Off to Merry Olde England, where inventor Charlie Francis has used fluorescent proteins from jellyfish to create an ice cream that glows in the dark.  He thought his invention was safe, since "I tried some and don't seem to be glowing anywhere". (*Urp!*)  I'll take your word for it, Charlie . . . It's the night of Jesus' birth.  Three Wise Guys are following the North by Northwest Star, looking for the Manger Suite at the Bethlehem Motel Six (a bit hard to find since the interstate bypass was completed).  They stop at the Home Depot to get a crib (Home Depot out of stock, had to drop into Ikea), then find the Baby Jesus, all meanly wrapped in swaddling clothes (when I say meanly wrapped, I'm talking about a really nasty job of wrapping.  Pretty atrocious swaddling, too).  They present Jesus with their gifts:  Gold, Frankenstein and Myrrh (pronounced "myrrh").  I can see Jesus having a lot of fun with Frankenstein, but what's a little baby going to do with gold and myrrh?  No point to this item;  I just like all the cheap jokes --- before you jump me, remember the advantage of cheap (and corny) jokes --- the price is right.

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HAPPY BELATED MLK DAY --- I think.  I saw Vice President Biden on the tube Monday, saying something to the effect of he had thought we were over the hump on the whole civil rights stuff.  Until recently I was just as guilty of this.  The Vice President, who I like, sounded both surprised and distressed by what he was saying (this is one reason I like the veep --- for a politician, I find him refreshingly genuine and down to earth).  There have been plenty of signs over the years that our brothers and sisters of color haven't been getting an even remotely fair shake.  Remember the incidents at Denny's about twenty years ago, culminating in that institution refusing to serve a group of Secret Service agents?  Come on, Denny's --- dark suits, white shirts, black ties, sunglasses --- honestly, dip into your corporate profits and take out enough money so you can buy a clue.  I had a friend who joined the service in the late 60s and was stationed in Georgia.  He made friends with a black fellow and one day they drove into town to get lunch.  They went into a local diner, the owner came over and took the black guys order.  A few minutes later a beautifully prepared entree was delivered.  "Excuse me," said my white friend George.  "I wanted to order too."  "Law says I gotta serve him," came the response. "Doesn't say anything about you."  I like to think we've come a long way from those days, but sometimes I wonder if the less tolerant elements have just become more sophisticated.  The "Stop and Frisk" law in NYC resulted in something like 80% of blacks being pulled over when they only account for about 20% of crime.  The Trayvon Martin case was appalling.  But one thing has changed dramatically --- the number of white people living in poverty.  The War on Poverty is another column, but we declared it fifty years ago.  Back then the pictures we saw were primarily black folks and their kids, who lived in shacks (no indoor plumbing, often no electricity) and all looking malnourished.  Because of Lyndon Johnson (and virtually no one else) very few folks are living in shacks and looking malnourished.  Also, this is no longer exclusively or even primarily a race problem.  White women are too often the heads of households now.  I don't think this is what Dr. King had in mind.  I saw a picture in the paper of MLK Jr. Drive in St. Louis --- a bunch of boarded up and/or gated buildings, one with a sign saying "Dream and Make the World Conform to Your Dreams".  Do you think Dr. King would have endorsed this philosophy?  Seems more to me like something Hitler could get down with.  As to the outrageous decision the Supremes made scrapping title V of the Voting Rights Act, there is virtually ZERO evidence that anyone is trying to take advantage of the right to vote.  I fail to see how the intent of these laws is anything other than racism, youthism, ageism, whatever.  In short, a solution in search of a problem.  On the other hand, 40% of the populace chooses not to vote.  If you don't vote, don't gripe.  But Happy Birthday, Martin --- the dream lives on.

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READING THE NEWSPAPER for fun and items:  Actual ad:  Anniversary Dinner: $200.  Bottle of wine:  $100.  Cure for Erectile Dysfunction:  Priceless.  Underneath, in slightly smaller type:  December Special:  $199!  Includes everything (followed by a list of everything you get except a cure for ED).  Priceless, eh? . . . A Sunday Headline:  "S.F. listed as top city in U.S. to have a baby."  So, young ladies, head on down to the corner of Turk and Jones @ 12:30AM and Have That Baby! . . . File under "Loyalty":  Hiroo Onada, 91, has died.  He fought in WWII.  His commander, Maj. Taniguchi, instructed him in March 1945 to defend his corner of a remote island in the Philippines and await further instructions.  This Mr. Onada did, surviving on coconuts and bananas, shooting the occasional intruder, until Maj. Taniguchi, now a bookkeeper, returned to inform him that Japan had lost the war and Hiroo could return home.  This was in 1974.  The whole thing reminds me of one of my Pop's favorite jokes:  Q. Who is Chicken Teriyaki?  A. The last living kamikaze pilot.  Dated and maybe even racist, but happy to get a chance to remind the world of what a great guy Pop was.

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SAGE OBSERVATION FROM Jean-Paul Sartre:  "Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat."  (Schnide Sez:  You may have noticed I don't do much rowing.)

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I believe every lie that I ever told,

Paid for every heart that I ever stole.

I paid my cause and I didn't fold.

Well it ain't that hard when you got willschneider7648@gmail.com

01/17/14

Voyage to the Bottom of My Brain

LET'S BEGIN TODAY in TV land, where white supremacist Craig Cobb, who wishes to establish an Aryan enclave in North Dakota, has mistakenly agreed to appear on television to have his DNA tested.  The black host (omigawd) is pleased to inform the horrified Mr. Cobb that he's 14% African, offer him a fist bump and call him "bro".  This reminds me of the rumor that Hitler had some Jewish blood in his lineage, which was either knocked down or disproven.  When I was a teenager I insisted on growing my hair long (this was very controversial back in the days when Dinosaurs ruled the earth).  My hair fell out by the time I was 25.  Forever after, my mom referred to this as Poetic Justice.  We can file the aforementioned in the same category . . . Over to the Obamacare website, where Adriana (she refuses to give her last name), whose attractive, smiling visage adorned the home page of HealthCare.gov asserts she has been the victim of fierce cyberbullying.  "I didn't design the website, so I don't think they had any reasons to hate me," she whined.  Point taken, Adriana, but had you noticed there were a few people who objected to the ACA?  What exactly did you expect?  Chalk it up to a poorly investigated career move . . . Getting the 'rents outta yer face:  An outfit in China has launched a website that, for a fee, will allow you to hire a fake boyfriend that you can take home and introduce to the folks.  The idea being that this will get them off your back about finding a beau.  If China is coming up with ideas like this, we're likely to lose the cultural wars.  Shape up, America! . . . One D.C. wag chimes in:  "Stop calling what's happening in Congress gridlock.  It's insulting to traffic jams."

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SCHNIDE SCHTRIKES:  I am aware that I'm venturing into an area that involves human feelings so I should be careful, but I can't help myself.  Let's begin with the situation at Ess Eff General.  I would call this a comedy of human errors, tho I am fully aware there's nothing funny about it.  There was no plot to lose this woman.  They knew she was gone right away; they just didn't know where to look (also human error, but no plot).  Same with the poor young teenager at Children's Hospital in Oakland.  A routine tonsillectomy with horrible complications, but I don't hold the doctors responsible.  The way the hospital handled it; now that was different.  Very damaging PR for the hospital, which brings me to my point.  Human beings make mistakes;  we always have and we always will.  Every time I see ambulance chaser Gloria Allred on the tube I want to vomit, even tho I am usually in agreement with her.  But I am sick of the legal profession making such an obscene monetary killing on human error.  They should all be shot.  No, I retract that, we should boil them first.  I worked for a little mom 'n' pop outfit called Marriott.  By the end of my career I could have spent all my time in my office filling out forms and checking off boxes.  The job took me more and more away from prepping food, supervising the staff, and interacting with customers.  That was a perfect formula for mistakes to happen.  The cook gets into a fight with the utility worker and there's a punch out because the boss is not around to intervene.  The salad prep person doesn't check the date on the milk and makes a contaminated batch of dressing because there's no one around to double-check.  Perhaps the lady's disappearance from General would have been noticed sooner if the nurses hadn't been so busy filling out their charts.  Who knows what a surgeon has to pay attention to besides the patient while performing surgery?  Don't they have to look at a whole bunch of monitors and machinery?  Could this --- even if momentarily --- distract them?  And what distracted Children's after the event?  They were all over the media, of course!  Forget the patient, hang the doctors out to dry if need be, marginalize the family --- WE NEED OUR LAWYERS!  Thankfully, I'm not hearing about these kind of problems in small businesses, not because things don't go wrong, but because small business doesn't have such deep pockets. Unlike Amalgamated Consolidated Incorporated small business is paying their fair share of taxes instead of using every loophole in creation, hiding all their money overseas, screwing over their employees, and --- WHOOPS!  Tangental rant coming on --- save for another column.  What I'm attempting to say is we're working for lawyers as opposed to taking care of one another as human beings, and I'm not happy about it.  This applies to single human error only, not the trouble we can get ourselves into when we get a gaggle of H.B.s together that try to plot.  The current situation with Gov. Chris Christie comes to mind.  All the evidence isn't in, and it would be unfair to presume anything other than innocence on his part, but a careful examination of the events could lead one to think the Governor just might possibly be remotely guilty of something (that's guilty --- GUILTY! GUILTY!! GUILTY!!!).  I had to get that in --- like I explained, sometimes I can't help myself.  I was raised by good people, but over the years I've developed some ways about me that just ain't right.

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WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE about a higher minimum wage?  Won't this cramp the wealthy folks' need to increase the maximum wage?  Honestly, you selfish deadbeats!  No wonder our country's such a mess . . . Can't the stores take 24 hours off for the hollydaze?  The last thing I feel like doing when I've stuffed myself on food and drink is go shopping!  Well, Bi-Rite and Walgreens could be open so we could stock up on Pepto-Dismal and Alka Seltzer . . . Headline on "Dear Abby" column:  "I love mornings, yet traffic, work put me in a foul mood."  Dear worthless waste of valuable human territory:  And what do you like?  The alarm clock?  Cleaning the cat litter box?  Do what I do: start drinking immediately.  The day will fly by.  Love, Shabby . . . According to media sensation Morrissey, he sees "no difference" between eating meat and pedophilia.  So, Mr. M (if that is in fact your real name), what is the difference between being a vegetarian and being a cannibal? . . . THIS JUST IN!  Porn star Linda Lovelace and Dracula have returned from the dead to team up for a movie, titled "Down for the Count" (I know you're out there, folks, I can hear you groaning).

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FROM HARVARD ECONOMIST Henry Rosovsky:  "Never underestimate the difficulty of changing false beliefs by facts." 

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I knew you were

You were gonna come to me

And here you are

But you better choose willschneider7648@gmail.com

01/10/14

Here We Are in the Years

HOW THINGS ARE LOOKING from my corner of the universe:  So it's a brand new year.  I like New Years, they always bring us hope.  Did you make any New Year's Resolutions?  Okay, you're a moron.  What about the rest of us?  Let's go to the political world, since that's our favorite form of non-physical combat.  I will give you my fearless observations and predictions;  you can look this column up in a year and have a good laugh.  Why wait until then?  Start chuckling now.

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OFF-YEAR ELECTIONS are terrible for incumbent Presidents, especially second-termers.  Bill Clinton picked up seats in 1998, but the Republicans were trying to impeach him over a consensual affair with another adult.  And the guy leading the charge was boinking an aide at the time.  Had to resign not only his speakership, but had to exit Congress completely.  Ah, for the good old days!  The only other time I'm aware of is Monroe in 1822, but I don't dismember why.  Perhaps the medical community liked his Doctrine.  So by all accounts the Republicans should pick up seats, right?  Not so fast.  They need to start offering alternatives instead of just knee-jerk badmouthing the President.  They also need to seriously distance themselves from the Tase Party.  The country disagrees with their entire social agenda.  Heard the latest?  The social conservatives in California want to get a measure on the ballot dictating where transgender kids can and can't go to the bathroom.  This is a group that already suffers from a high degree of alienation and loneliness that leads as far as suicide.  Let's pick on THEM!  Mike Huckabee suggests he would have done just about anything to have had an excuse to get his rotund tush into the girls' bathroom, so Decent People should be appalled by this concept.  Must confess I've never been in a female bathroom, but I'm guessing they don't go in there to have strip shows.  Of course none of these folks talk about women going into the men's john.  Really?  The social conservatives have descended to this?  Huckabee was also the one who's argument against same-sex marriage (now legal in 15 states, with more coming) had to do with that being equivalent to having to lower the hoops on the basketball courts because not everyone would be able to reach them (huh?).  Let's not forget Rick Santorum's argument that if two men could marry, why not a man and two or three women?  Or Bill O'Reilly's notion:  How about a goat?  How about a child?  Gay marriage has nothing to do with polygamy, bestiality, or pedophilia.  And how do they explain the documented existence of homosexuality in the animal kingdom?  This is only my personal favorite of where the conservative movement has lost their way.  What about gun control?  Immigration?  Republican states on an all out campaign to deny uppity types the right to vote (apparently gerrymandering all the state districts to ensure Republican victories wasn't enough --- save your arguments about the Democrats doing it too;  the Dems never played it this dirty.  Although if they get the House back in 2020, all bets are off)?  The Conservatives are finally beginning to get the idea that the Affordable Care Act really IS the law.  It may be the worst thing that ever happened, although history doesn't support that notion.  The establishment interests always oppose everything that smacks of progressivism.  They did it in Canada when that country created national health care.  They did it with Social Security, Disability, Minimum Wage, Unemployment Insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, and Romneycare.  But let's suppose you're right about the ACA.  What are your ideas?  And why don't you behave fiscally like Republicans?  More on that in the next paragraph.  Meanwhile, the country needs two vibrant political parties.  The best way to pick up seats is to tell us what you propose to move us forward together instead of a bunch of rhetoric that further fragments an already divided populace.

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THIS BRINGS US TO THE DEMOCRATS.  Things aren't starting off well, but there are areas of hope.  The deficits are coming down faster than at any time since WWII.  Of the last five Presidents, the Republicans have spent like drunken sailors.  The Dems have exhibited far more restraint.  Why aren't you screaming this from every rooftop?  You passed an immigration bill thru the Senate.  The Reps refused to go along with it unless hundreds of miles of fence and 1000 border guards were added to the deal.  Who's outspending whom?  Your Red buddies want to give the Pentagon an arm and a leg, then the rest of the torso --- even the the Brass Itself says it doesn't need or want it!

Yet none of you point this out.  I call this stuff low-hanging fruit.  Why aren't you exploiting it?  Next, regarding transparency:  Mr. President, are you capable of an apology?  It would do you a lot of good to go before the American people and say that, under your watch, the NSA has gotten completely out of hand.  Accept personal responsibility for the situation, no explanations and no excuses.  Thank Edward Snowden for performing an important service and tell him he is welcome in the USA, no strings attached.  Continue your successful policy of not negotiating with the Republicans over debt ceilings or continuing resolutions.  Put together a list of projects (cutting defense spending, closing corporate tax loopholes, establishment of a livable minimum wage, getting rid of about 50% of Farm Subsidies without cutting Food Stamps, instituting a national plan to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure, propose a jobs plan) and dare the Republicans to act on it.  If they don't, pull a Truman --- call them into special session this summer and force the issue.  In other words, don't be a wuss --- you were elected to LEAD.

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WHAT ABOUT OUR FAIR CITY?  Housing is the overriding issue.  I've never been a fan of this so-called "affordable housing" garbage.  We set aside something like 20% of new developments as affordable.  The number of residents needing this service is more like 75%.  An affordable apartment should cost about $700 a month (about 40% of your wage).  A condo should be perhaps $150,000.  The City relies heavily on working class income folks to support out tourist and hi-tech industries.  Mayor Ed, you have an opportunity for eternal fame and a solid place in history if you will provide something other than lip service on this.  We've had problems here for better than 30 years.  Willie Brown famously claimed twenty years ago that you shouldn't be in Ess Eff if you made less than $50,000 a year.  Things are much worse now.  Art Agnos is the only mayor we've had with the cajones to stand up to the real estate interests who've been calling the shots without any enforceable oversight.  KNOCK OFF THE LIP SERVICE --- TAKE CARE OF YOUR RESIDENTS.  The proposed Warriors stadium is a great idea;  the Embarcadero area south of the Bay Bridge could use a shot in the arm (just don't mess with Red's Java House).  But no housing or retail crap and don't violate the height limits.  We already sent you a message with the 8 Washington fiasco.  You have a lot of good qualities, sir, but we could really use some forward-looking leadership.  Please don't let us down.

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AN OLD GREEK PROVERB:  "A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."

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Let me tell you of a story 'bout a man named Jed;

A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed.

And then one day he was shootin' for some food

And up through the ground came a bubbling willschneider7648@gmail.com

01/03/2014

Out With the Olde;

In With the *Phew!*

I AM REMINDED of the old Woody Allen joke:  "I divide our species into two categories:  the miserable and the horrible.  The horrible are people that are disfigured, amputees, living in iron lungs, or in hopeless poverty --- I don't understand how they get thru life.  And the miserable is everybody else."  Why not get the New Year off to a fitting and hopeful start?  Plus my best friend Saunders is laid up in the hospital right now and this is his kind of joke.  Get well, Saunders --- I miss you, and you know what they say --- half a wit is better than none . . . A new website!  It's called Farmers Only.  First is a guy in a field surrounded by cows.  That's followed by a woman in a field, also surrounded by cows.  It's some kind of dating site (I must confess --- the Christian Mingle dating site is confusing enough to me.  Christians aren't supposed to mingle; they're looking for their one and only so they can do the fun stuff to procreate only.  Take Richard Nixon, now there was a good Christian.  He had sex twice in his life and each time he was wearing a dark blue suit.  But I ingress).  Trouble is I don't understand who's looking for what.  The man and the woman are alone.  The place is loaded with cows.  So the cows have already found each other.  The man and woman are all by themselves, in separate film, so they haven't found other farmers --- unless the man and the woman are having a hard time deciding which cow they want --- it's all quite confusing.  It's been a number of years since I've been up to date on such matters, but farming used to be pretty male-dominated.  These are odds I like, and heck darn and schucky dang, ah kin tawk lahk a fahmuh;   Ma, fetch the overalls, Ah'm In! . . . Now that I'm thinking about it, I've never had kids, but it must be way cool.  People tend to treat you much differently when you're holding a newborn --- especially in strip clubs.

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RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN says we should reign in the NSA --- and we don't even wiretap his cellphone calls! . . . Been awhile since I've unloaded about Mr. Putin, and I of course do everything in my power not to tip my hand regarding how I feel about this worthless deadbeat.  I think he's doing everything in his power to restart the cold war;  I'll get to that.  First, a little record-straightening.  It was not exactly honest of Mr. Putrid to leave the impression that he came up with the path for peace in Syria.  Secretary of State Kerry (a man who has actually seen war) was asked at a press conference if there was anything that could be done to avoid President Obama's nonsensical idea to carry out an air strike against Syria.  "Mr. Assad could agree to U.N. inspection of their sarin facilities and negotiate removal of same", said the SOS.  Within a couple of hours Putin had contacted Assad and announced this plan to the world as HIS idea.  Then he came up with his forward-looking laws and proposals about gay folks.  Throw them in prison!  Take their children away and put them in orphanages!  Why stop there?  Let's just shoot them if they're even accused of being gay!  Now he's released oil tycoon Mr. Khodorkovsky (why do these folks have such long names?  Makes research for the column difficult) from prison, a man who no longer poses any threat to Putin.  He thinks this makes him look benign to the rest of the world.  "Rubbish!" retorts writer Lilia Sherstosa (AGAIN with the confusing names!).  "(He) has been demonstrating all along that he does not care anymore what the rest of the world is thinking of him.  He views other world leaders as weaklings who can be ignored."  So did Hitler.  As far as the cold war goes, Putin wants to establish Russian supremacy in the Middle East.  LET HIM HAVE IT!!!  He can negotiate with the ayatollahs, the sheiks, the allahs, al queda, talliban, whoever.  We'll help Israel (who's perfectly capable of helping themselves) and the rest will still be happy to take our money.  Mr. Putin is staking his reputation on the Winter Olympics being staged in Russia.  President Obama and Vice President Biden will not be attending as a statement of protest against homophobia.  They will also be sending such closeted figures as Billie Jean King to play visible roles.  But they are sending a former cabinet level official, Janet Napalitano.  May I suggest a White House groundskeeper?  They could also send the fellow that did the signing for the deaf at Mandela's funeral as an interpreter.  We are still on good terms with most of Europe, Australia and Japan;  all countries who are somewhat gay-friendly.  Let's call in some favors.  I hate to call in the Russian fundamentalists because they aren't too discriminating about who they injure and kill, but they've been making Verminir Putrid a little nervous lately, and that's good.  It's way past time to take this blustering egomaniac down.  Enough of a rant by moi?  I sure hope so, 'cause I'm pooped.

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AN "OVERHEARD" FROM Leah Garchick's wonderful Ess Eff Chronicle column (best gossip column in America):  "I was homeschooled.  I had to bully myself." . . . Note to all you young folks:  Michael Bolton is back!  This guy inflicted himself on my generation with his cajones-free ballads and bland voice.  Anyway, you can hear his best work on the car commercials he's doing now, and the next time your parents complain about your taste in music, just pull him out . . . My Pal Al decided to escape the harsh San Francisco winters by vacationing in Hawaii.  Got an email from him in which he informs me that "I've found that lying on the beach consuming Mai Tais at 2 pm is a rather ****ty idea."  Nonsense, Al.  That's why the pharmaceutical industry invented Ipecac.  A good slug of that, wait 20 minutes, and you're ready to start all over, fully refreshed.  Problem solved; yr' welcome . . . A multiple choice test:  Q.  Do women have the right to make their own decisions about their bodies?  a) Yes.  b) I'm an ignorant nincompoop . . . And finally, a couple of personal notes:  Happy Birthday to my valued and delightful friend-for-life, Laurie . . . Another shoutout to my Pop, who would've been 91 today.  I love you and miss your humor and wisdom. 

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ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID IT:  "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax."

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There goes my baby

With someone new.

She sure looks happy,

I sure am willschneider7648@gmail.com